Trump goes to war — Corbyn declares peace
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JANUARY
Donald Trump tweets: ‘Stop this soppy peace madness now! u.S. must go to war with rest of world. Best way to bring peace.’
To bolster falling viewing figures, the BBC’s newsnight programme introduces an exciting new element. presenter Evan Davis knocks up a three- course meal for his guests while asking them questions about the state of the economy and the future of the European union.
FEBRUARY
Embittered millionaire lord ashcroft publishes a second biography of David Cameron in which ‘a close personal friend of the prime minister’ is quoted as saying that he is ‘widely rumoured’ to feed on the blood of living creatures and to sleep in a coffin. a third volume — said to cover Cameron’s childhood involvement in the disappearance of lord lucan — is expected in the autumn.
APRIL in New York, Yoko ono asks people to remember John lennon. ‘He was so much more than just my husband. please never forget that he gave me quite a bit of help with my best-selling song imagine. Ok, so he wasn’t musical like me, but he suggested one or two of the words and i let him sing a little, so i hope people will continue to honour him as my muse.’
MAY
in hampstead, north london, a woman is due to appear in court on a charge of having failed to read a single novel by Elena Ferrante. Her neighbours say she ‘kept herself to herself’ and insist they had ‘no idea’ that she had harboured this guilty secret for so long.
The woman’s lawyer will argue it is a victimless crime, but this claim is to be contested by the prosecution: ‘What would the citizens of Hampstead find to talk about if they were all to follow her disgraceful example?’
JULY
Founder and CEO of amazon Jeff Bezos announces that from next month amazon will sell families in box sets.
‘our customers often complain to us that they find their families too untidy and unpredictable. We plan to change all this by repackaging them in box sets. This way, you can skip the adolescent years.’
Donald Trump tweets: ‘Stop this gun madness now. if our infants are not permitted to bear arms, any foreigner will be able to shoot them dead.’
AUGUST
POLICE raid the West midlands home of former nineties TV star mr Blobby and take him away for questioning on matters relating to historic sex offences.
Since 2008, Blobby — full name mr Geoffrey Kenneth Blobby — has been working as the company pr for OS (ozone Solutions), which seeks to improve the world by increasing the hole in the ozone layer. a tearful mrs Blobby has agreed to stand by him.
SEPTEMBER
Tony Blair acquires a new home — Buckingham palace, conveniently situated in Central london. He insists the sitting tenants will be allowed to stay for a maximum of six months.
‘This new property will be central to the work of the Blair international Charity Foundation,’ explains his director of affairs, lord mandelson.
‘ The Blair Family property portfolio now includes Blenheim palace, Tower Bridge, Centre point, Canary Wharf and Stonehenge, which is at present being refurbished into a premier collection of 20 prestigious executive homes.’
OCTOBER
JEREMY Corbyn makes a rallying call for unity in the labour party. labour backbencher Simon Danczuk complains it is bound to backfire. Shadow Chancellor John Mcdonnell calls for the expulsion of those who support Danczuk.
Tony Blair suggests those who support Mcdonnell should be expelled. Diane abbott says the party has never been so united, but her view is secretly condemned by up to 75 per cent of labour mps. To counter so much dissent, Corbyn makes a rallying call for unity in the labour party.
NOVEMBER
This year’s Turner prize is awarded to The Turner prize, for helping prevent British art from becoming inward-looking.
in a moving ceremony, Tate director nicholas Serota accepts the prize from director of the Tate, nicholas Serota, on behalf of nicholas Serota, director of the Tate.
This year’s i’m a Celebrity . . . Get me out of Here! features Camila Batmanghelidjh, Grant Shapps, Ed miliband, Sally Bercow, lord rennard, Valerie Trierweiler, alan Yentob and Sepp Blatter. one of their bushtucker trials involves eating Ed Balls.
DECEMBER
in a surprise outcome, Sepp Blatter is voted i’m a Celebrity ‘King of the Jungle’ having secured a massive 99.999 per cent of the telephone votes.
at a press conference afterwards, mr Blatter denies any involvement in the purchase of all the phone lines in the australian jungle. in the new year, he will be taking part in another TV contest, The Great British rake-off.
in a bid to make prime minister’s Questions more ‘user-friendly’, David Cameron and Jeremy Corbyn take turns to put their points to one another while knocking up a three-course meal on the despatch box, consisting of baked queen scallops, slow-braised pigs’ cheeks and Crepes Suzette.