The key to a good marriage ... respect
iF raCheL ragg sought sympathy as a younger wife married to an older man (mail), she failed. any fault she revealed is not so much in her husband as in herself. She launches a disparaging assault on the character of an educated man trapped into having a family at an age when all he wanted was to enjoy life with the woman he loved. She says ‘not having children was a deal breaker’ but marriage isn’t a ‘deal’, it’s a relationship; children are not commodities. rachel demonstrates her selfishness in putting her beloved children before her husband. most of us know our role as mothers is to make our children independent but she made her children the centre of her world. She seemed to enjoy her children being a provocation to her husband, letting them push him to the limit. most of us have had children squabbling in the back of a car, and who hasn’t threatened to stop the vehicle until the arguments cease? rachel should have realised that an older husband will continue to age, and may become ill. most sensible adults would prefer their children to ‘get off their backsides’. anthony is not alone in thinking being out and about leads to a healthier lifestyle and personality, academically and socially. With the insight of age, rachel should have instigated family time when everyone could contribute. meals together would be a start, before feet vanish upstairs to watch whatever. She shows no understanding of anthony’s ‘recent physical decline’. how could she have ‘batted him away’ when he showed signs of a stroke? even her children noticed he wasn’t well. mrs ragg should be ashamed for neglecting the man who married her in good faith and needed her understanding and compassion. how selfish to sit there wondering how long she can put up with her marriage. at some point she will have to face the fact that we all die. Young children across the world see their parents die for all kinds of reasons. Of course her husband hated being pigeon-holed as ‘old.’ he acknowledges that he is out of his depth with the modern technology used by his children. he speaks for many elderly people. how disappointed he must be to know he is now at the bottom of the pile. rachel is clearly an overindulgent mother, no longer youthful, but fed up with her husband cramping her style. Life isn’t easy. anything can be used as an excuse to destroy a relationship: children, health problems, social problems, redundancy. But we must cope with our choices and the consequences. i also married an older man, older by 13 years. Unsurprisingly, he always worried that he would leave me a young widow but we were married for 51 years and in the final 20 he cared for me as i struggled with hip surgery three times. it was then my turn and privilege to care for and cherish him as he fought cancer last year. he died on January 8 and our daughters’ families, with six grandchildren aged 11 to 22, praised his love for them, his patience and gentleness. he was 86 and is greatly missed, as are many other fathers and loved ones. many a table will have a new empty place this Christmas. romance is all very well but marriage and parenthood must be underpinned with realism, patience, tolerance and, above all, respect.
Mrs JANET FELL, Northwood, Middx.