How to take revenge on those maddening COLD CALLERS

Try these ingenious — and joyously childish — pranks and THEY will be the ones desperate to get off the line

put money on it, saying: ‘ When I take cash out of my pocket I sometimes pile it up on top of my Matalan card, but not every night; sometimes I leave the card at the side of the money.’

This phone call had lasted for 18 minutes, so I decided to put ‘Steven’ out of his misery and told him I had been taking the mickey.

TRY this brilliant response that one of my friends always used to use when men tried to chat her up and she wasn’t interested. I just say, ‘Sorry, I don’t speak English’ as clearly as possible, then hang up.

PRETEND to be stupid. Get them to repeat everything at least twice. If they get to the point where they want money from you, keep giving them incorrect card numbers and other details.

Or, if you can’t be bothered with all that, when they ask for you by name, just reply: ‘ Oh, hold on a moment, I’ll go and get him/her’, and leave the phone off the hook.

SOMETIMES I pick up the phone, listen to their name, repeat it several times in an incredulous tone and then — bam! — pretend to know them.

I ask them if they remember the hell of a time we had at the 1985 summer camp when we set fire to the wooden shed, then keep making things up until they terminate the call.

On other occasions I interrupt them very politely to say: ‘Sorry, I’m not at all interested.’

But so we can remain on good terms, I then offer to sing them a song of my choice. (One of them, with a sense of humour and some time to kill, even asked me for an extra song).

A friend of mine simply pretends to be having a heart attack when they pick up the phone to a cold caller.

I KEEP a menu and price list from my local Chinese takeaway handy by the phone. When the telephone rings, I pick up the phone and start reading out the names of all the meals, minus the english bits. It works a treat.

IF YOU get a cold call, simply keep asking: ‘What were you doing?’ When they ask what you mean, say: ‘What were you doing when everyone else was paying attention at school?’ Drives them nuts ...

WAYS to thwart a cold caller: 1. Ask them to hang on while you get a pen, but only return to the phone at least ten minutes later. 2. Tell them you are your uncle and that you passed away, then go into your demise in great detail. 3. Tell them you are an undischarged bankrupt. 4. Get your guitar and play Annie’s Song on a loop down the phone.

KEEP a whistle by the phone, then give them a blast on it. It’s amazing how quickly they hang up.

I ALWAYS answer like this: ‘All our operators are currently busy. If you wish to speak to an operator, please push 1 now. If you wish to leave a message and have an operator call you back, please press 2 now.’

I have never had to go further than that before you hear the ‘click’ at the other end.

PUT this on your answering machine. ‘This unsolicited call is being recorded. You will be billed a flat charge of £25, plus £10 per minute or part thereof for the duration of the call. After the tone, please leave your name and the registered address of the company which employs you.’ Beeeep.

QUITE often, cold callers start by asking whether they are speaking to the house owner. I usually say I am the cleaner and the householder is at work. They lose interest fast.

I KEPT getting calls from a window and conservatory company. After the 20th call with me saying ‘no thank you’, I decided to have some fun, and so on the next call I said that, yes, I would love a conservatory.

Then they got excited and started going through lots of questions, and after a few minutes I said: ‘I’m not sure how you will be able to fit it, though.’ They asked why, to which I relied: ‘I live on the tenth floor.’ never had another call.

Some trick tips appeared in The Independent.