Will a holiday ruin our relationship?

DEAR BEL I HOPE you can help, as I am in a dilemma. I have for a number of years — well, ten actually — been in a relationship with a wonderful lady and we get on very well.

We see each other averaging twice a week, sometimes more often, and we are both very happy with each other. Neither of us are married and we don’t have any family ties or commitments.

Though we see each other often, we have never been away together for more than one night and she is suggesting we take a week’s vacation next summer.

I am reluctant to do so, as I worry that it may be too much and the relationship would end. Do you think I am worrying unnecessarily?

MELVYN

SoMeTIMeS I gently point out that long emails can make this job quite hard — for all of us! You see, carefully sorting out the main points within a problem to make it clear for me usually helps the writer, too.

But you’ve given me no more than this short sketch: no information about ages, previous relationships, jobs, emotions.

Seriously, I’m bemused. Since you haven’t mentioned your age I guess that you’re not young. You could even be well past middle age, which might explain your unwillingness to change routine.

Yet . . . to be worried about going away for a whole week with a lady you have been in a ‘ happy’ relationship with for ten years? What’s going on here?

Your reticence makes me feel reticent, too, but I feel bound to ask whether you have a physical relationship or are just friends. In the context this seems important. I suspect your problem is a fear of intimacy — physical and emotional.

This might not be an issue when you are on ‘dates’ or even overnight stays, but during a week away your inhibitions would be exposed.

Is this what is making you feel awkward? Is there a deep- seated shyness at the root of this? A feeling of inadequacy?

I could be completely wrong, but these guesses might help you think.

The other thing I’m asking myself is whether you suspect that, after all this time, the lady wants more of a commitment than you have hitherto been prepared to give — and it’s that which terrifies you.

Maybe you’ve settled into such a cosy but dreary rut that she’s slightly bored and wants to change things. Who knows?

Do you talk? You see, your very short email indicates a man of few words, and so although you tell me you are both ‘ happy,’ I wonder if perhaps she is less contented with the way things are than you think. My advice would be to — yes — find out! Ask questions!

To all men reading this I say — never, ever underestimate the wish of your various ladies to be talked to, to have their feelings valued, to be shown tenderness.

This is one of the keys to happiness in relationships — and it is not sexist to say that women tend to be better at it than men.

So, Melvyn, do you do that? Does a deep insecurity make you believe you would bore your lady friend if she spends more than 24 hours in your company? Could that be the root of the problem?

If so, then it’s time to switch on your courage — like fairy lights — and make your life twinkle. It’s never too late.

Why not sit down with the lady you value and have a heart-to-heart over something delicious to drink, and then be brave? Take courage!

Go out and make an early holiday booking — as a wonderful Christmas gift for both of you.