Such very seductive shoplifters
STANDING on the beach, glass of wine in hand, a barbecue sizzling as the children build sandcastles and the temperature tiptoes towards the mid-teens it’s just like early summer.
But not everything is quite as it seems. For while it is as mild as a May day, it is not long after lunchtime and already the light is beginning to fade. And what’s that on the grill? not the typical British barbie of bangers and burgers — but a turkey big enough to feed a family of five and more.
Because, with exactly a week to go before Christmas, I’ve been getting in some practice for the Big Day.
And where in previous years that might have involved a trip to church wrapped up in a scarf and woolly hat, followed by an over-sized lunch and a snooze on the sofa in front of a roaring fire, December 25, 2015, looks set to be a very different day indeed.
According to the Met Office, the first half of the month has been the mildest for more than 50 years for Wales and southern England. And with thermometers this weekend set to hit 17c — a full ten degrees above the December average — records for hot weather are likely to tumble in the coming days.
The balmy build-up has left many struggling to get into the festive spirit. At home, the Christmas tree is drooping almost as badly as High Street sales of winter woollies. And while the garden is normally a nogo zone during the winter, this year the grass is still growing while flowers are blooming months early.
So, fighting the temptation to mow the lawn, I’ve dug out the buckets and spades, packed the kids into the car and headed to the seaside to blaze a trail for other Britons keen to find a way to cope with this unChristmasy Christmas.
Inspired by those endless tales of Sheilas and Shanes barbecuing on Bondi Beach, I’ve decided to take a leaf out of the Aussies’ book and have my own Christmas cook up — on Camber Sands in East Sussex.
After all, if I’ve got to slave over a hot stove, then I figure that in the current meteorological conditions the best place for the stove has got to be outdoors.
OF COURSE, it’s a bit of a hassle lugging a barbecue, a 9lb turkey and all the trimmings down a beach, but think of all those calories it could burn off.
And there are other advantages to Christmas dinner on the beach, too. Other than a few bemused dog-walkers, I have got the place entirely to myself.
A welcome change from a house stuffed with relatives. And, as my wife points out, a blissful opportunity for her to not set foot in the kitchen all Christmas day.
So while the children mess around in the shallows, I fire up the barbecue and set about the turkey. I am a keen and enthusiastic barbecue chef, but up until now, the biggest thing I’ve ever cooked is a sirloin steak.
To prepare me for this challenge, I go online and discover I need to rethink everything I have ever learned about cooking over a naked flame.
With a steak it is all about speed and heat — a flash fry over hissing coals, with a cold beer in hand to keep you cool. With turkey, a long, slow gentle cook is paramount.
The key I learn from studying a number of online demonstrations is indirect heat (as well as the Aussies, the Americans, it appears, are no strangers to barbecued turkey at Thanksgiving).
Stick the bird directly over the flames and you’ll end up with a charred outside and a raw inside — and a nasty dose of food poisoning to boot.
Instead, I place the turkey in the centre of the barbecue and turn the gas burners on to the left and right of the bird — but leave the one directly underneath switched off.
The same theory applies to a charcoal barbecue. Once the coals are alight push them to one side, adding more fuel when necessary. Then shut down the lid of the barbecue, effectively creating an oven-type environment.
While it is mild enough on the beach, there is a fair breeze, so I crank up the gas as high as it will go and give my turkey a good couple of hours.
What better way to pass the time than out in the fresh air? no stuffy central heating and blaring TV, no idle chit- chat or noisy children’s games invading the peace. Out here, the extra time is pure luxury.
Towards the end I chuck in a few pigs-in-blankets — or should that be pigs-in-bikinis — for the final half hour. The roast potatoes I’ve cheated with, cooking them in advance and then warming them up on the grill.
One good way of barbecuing potatoes is to par-boil them and then wrap in foil with a knob of butter and place on the grill.
Then it’s a case of boiling the veg on the gas hob, chucking them into tin foil boxes to keep warm, uncorking a bottle of white wine — chilled, of course — and serving up the lunch.
If I’m honest, I think I may have over-cooked the turkey a touch. But then that’s often the way with the British and barbecues — I’m always so worried about killing my guests with a kebab that I burn everything to a crisp.
BUT at least the turkey has a nice, golden colour and a smoky taste to boot. The other advantage to cooking this way on Christmas Day (on your patio, rather than the beach) would be to give the chef a few minutes peace and quiet — ‘checking on the barbecue’ whenever things get too heated indoors.
The meal goes down well enough with Bea, ten, and Martha, six – although they are disappointed to discover that if they want a ‘99’ afterwards they’ll have to wait until spring for the ice cream van, but we did manage to pull a cracker or two.
They also prove that, whatever the weather, hot or cold, children are about as likely to ask for seconds of sprouts as it is to snow this Christmas. Even if they are served on the beach.