Who is a better LIAR —you or your teenager?
One mother and her 13-year-old son brave a lie detector (and some VERY awkward questions) to find out
I was expecting Monty to ask, but his list of questions completely threw me. I had anticipated a question about drugs and had no problem telling the truth there — I’ve never taken anything.
Some questions were harder to answer with ‘yes’ or ‘ no’. ‘Do I regret having children?’ No, obviously. But there have been odd occasions, usually after a very bad parenting day, where the thought has flickered through my mind.
I think I must have faltered slightly here because the computer picked up that I was lying. I wasn’t. I just think the nature of the question made me feel stressed.
Ditto, ‘Are you content with your life?’ On balance, yes. Yet the computer thought I was lying — so maybe it knows something I don’t. After all, how can you reliably know this from one day to the next when life has so many ups and downs? Still, the computer picked up on something about the question itself that caused me anxiety, which does make me think that perhaps something is not quite right.
I usually insist I’m fine and cling to my British stiff upper lip, but this test has revealed there are areas of my life that are far from perfect. Am I truly content? More or less.
It’s pretty galling to admit, but the computer was almost entirely accurate. There was only one question where deliberately I lied to test it: ‘Do you wish we hadn’t moved to Devon?’ I said ‘No.’
Actually, I do miss Surrey, and it’s for the very reasons we left — the hustle and bustle and the competitiveness of life in the cut and thrust of the commuter belt.
Monty’s questions were really insightful from a 13-year-old. He’s obviously noticed certain things I’d rather he was happily oblivious to.
The question about wishing I was slimmer worries me — how often do I harp on about the fact I’m not happy with my body in my children’s hearing? I wouldn’t want them to think I’m not happy with myself, but clearly Monty knows. Luckily, I could set him straight on whether I still fancy his dad — but it makes me think about how much it affects the children when we argue, as any married couple does.
I thought the point of this test was for me to find out about Monty — but maybe there’s more serious things he wants to know about me!
WHAT I ASKED MY SON
‘Have you ever smoked? MONTY: Yes. COMPUTER: True. MONTY’S VERDICT: It’s right. I have experimented with smoking very occasionally. Mum knows this, so I’m not going to lie.
‘Are you smoking regularly? MONTY: No. COMPUTER: True. MONTY’S VERDICT: What counts as ‘ regularly?’ Anyhow, computer right again. ‘Have you ever helped yourself to alcohol in the house?’ MONTY: No. COMPUTER: Lie.
MONTY’S VERDICT: Mum didn’t know this. Now she does. It was a quarter bottle of tequila left over from Christmas which I shared with friends. I am in so much trouble.
Are you really unhappy at boarding school? MONTY: Yes. COMPUTER: Lie.
MONTY’S VERDICT: Got me again. I’m not that miserable at my new school, Burford, in the Cotswolds. I’d just rather be at home because I think it’s unfair I’ve been sent away and none of my sisters has.
Have you ever shoplifted? MONTY: No. COMPUTER: True. MONTY’S VERDICT: As if. I’m not an idiot. I would be far too frightened of getting caught and I cannot believe Mum would do something so stupid as a teenager, either. Are you trying your hardest at school? MONTY: No. COMPUTER: True. MONTY’S VERDICT: Right again. Some days I want to do my best, other days I can’t be bothered. But Mum only had to read my report to know this. Did you knowingly loosen the hot water bottle top before putting it in your sister’s bed last weekend? MONTY: No. COMPUTER: True. MONTY’S VERDICT: Ha! The computer’s wrong. I’m getting the hang of this now. Of course I sabotaged the hot water bottle!
Do you love me more than Dad? MONTY: Yes. COMPUTER: Lie. MONTY’S VERDICT: I am lying. But it might gain me some brownie points. I love them both differently. It’s easier with Mum, but that doesn’t mean I love her more.
Have you ever put something you regret on social media? MONTY: Yes. COMPUTER: True. MONTY’S VERDICT: What teenager hasn’t? Thank goodness I don’t have to go into more detail, but there was a time when I put an unlit electronic cigarette in my little sister’s mouth and took a photo to share on Snapchat, an app that lets you send photos privately . . . Did you take my phone charger and leave it somewhere? MONTY: No. COMPUTER: Lie. MONTY’S VERDICT: I openly lied to Mum about this when I lost her charger and now she’ll be furious. I thought I could beat the computer and this has proved me wrong. ACCURACY: 9/10
WHAT MONTY LEARNED: I tried really hard to lie on some of these questions, but the computer still caught me out. I’m always telling Mum I’m homesick at school to make her feel guilty for sending me off but, actually, I’m quite enjoying myself.
The moment the question came up, despite taking deep breaths to stay calm, I could feel my heart rate quicken. Also, I tend to blush when I’m lying, which obviously the computer doesn’t know but Mum should be able to tell.
There was one question the computer got wrong about the hot water bottle. I did loosen the lid but maybe it was easier to lie about that because it was just a joke.
Questions I knew would get me into trouble — like alcohol and smoking — were harder to avoid. I’m quite impressed that the computer knew I was lying, even though Mum has believed me in the past. And I’m gutted about the phone charger because I’ve got to pay for a new one out of my pocket money.