JONATHAN CAINER
Hi Jonathan, Do you know what Neil Armstrong’s daily forecast was when he walked on the Moon? Did Apollo 13 set off during a Mercury retrograde phase? Where do you stand on dream interpretation? Are dreams influenced by astrological events? Suzie Dear Suzie, I know I look old, but I wasn’t writing forecasts in July 1969! I can tell you, though, that Mercury was not retrograde when the ill-fated Apollo 13 launched in 1970. I’m sure dreams, like all our experiences, are influenced by the planets to some extent, but that’s not my area of expertise.
ARIES Mar 21 — Apr 20 WE ALL need respect and understanding, clear communication and constructive interaction. That’s what we need, but is it what we get? Too often, people end up bearing grudges, remembering conflicts, nursing wounds and nurturing hostility. Yet when things need to happen, situations are crying out for change and, when we desperately require a clear head with which to think, letting go and seeking a truce may be the most helpful policy we could pursue. Peace is possible. Uncertain? I have recorded a very special message for you. I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5601.
TAURUS Apr 21 — May 21 WE ARE forever having to decide whether to campaign against injustices or to ignore them so we can get on with some semblance of daily life. With that in mind, let’s turn to all that has recently been upsetting you. Is it time for you to make a stand or to bury your head in the sand? Actually, neither! It is simply time to give someone the benefit of the doubt and to show them the same kindness that you might hope that they, in turn, would show you. You can be a true force for good. Anxious? I have recorded a very special message for you and I will give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5602.
GEMINI May 22 — June 22 ARE you telepathic? Can you levitate? Were you born blessed with uncanny powers? Can you see into peoples’ minds? If you close your eyes, do next week’s winning Lottery numbers dance around on the inside of your forehead? OK, I grant that the evidence to support your claim to having supernatural skills and abilities is a little patchy, but that does not mean that you are entirely without such a talent. You’ve got enough to guide you through a tricky choice. Heed your inner voice. Confused? I have recorded a message for you and I will give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5603.
CANCER June 23 — July 23 WHAT is the point in doing what is right when others seem neither to notice nor to care? Many, indeed, seem happy to do what is wrong and to laugh up their sleeves at those who seek a higher standard. Are you fighting a losing battle in your effort to reach for the best and to do what is fair? Don’t look so fierce. I really was not trying to cast any aspersions, I was merely asking a rhetorical question. Of course you are right to do what is right. Soon enough, you will see glorious proof of that. Worried? I have recorded a message for you and I will give you the key to your future. Just call 0906 751 5604.
LEO July 24 — Aug 23 ‘ALL roads lead to Rome,’ people used to say. This was, actually, largely said by Europeans, but let us not split too many hairs. It is my duty to point out that there may be more than one way to accomplish an objective. If you focus on only one of several options, you may end up going the wrong way round. This might not matter. All roads, after all, lead to Rome! But if some roads get you there more efficiently and less expensively, you may just want to consider other options. Uncertain? I have recorded a message for you and I will give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5605.
VIRGO Aug 24 — Sep 23 FORGET, please, all that you have heard about how people born under your sign are supposed to be meticulous and discriminating. It is not that this is incorrect, you are, indeed, supposed to be like that, but it is not all you are supposed to be. There may be times when, as you attempt to fulfil the agenda set by ‘something else that you are supposed to be’, you have to over-ride the qualities we mentioned earlier. The other ‘something else’ you are supposed to be is wise. That is what you yet will be today. Anxious? I have recorded a message for you and I will give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5606.
LIBRA Sep 24 — Oct 23 ‘A MISS is as good as a mile,’ they say. By this they mean (or at least we must assume they mean) that there is not really any such thing as a narrow escape. If you avoid trouble, you avoid it! A converse application of much the same logical process would be to say that it doesn’t matter if your team nearly won a match or your horse came within a nose of the horse that crossed the finishing line first. What is at issue is not a process, but a result. The rest of it is largely academic. Confused? I have recorded a message for you and I will give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5607.
SCORPIO Oct 24 — Nov 22 WE MUST be wary when we hear ourselves telling others what we want. Emphatic statements are all too easy to make, but sometimes, they prove tricky to substantiate. Even if we are successful and we end up attaining our stated objective, will we later find that it has failed to satisfy. Or worse, what if we discover that it has led to unanticipated trouble? You can take a big step forward towards a profound understanding of what it is that you truly need and what might make a significant, lasting difference. Worried? I have recorded a message for you and I will give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5608.
SAGITTARIUS Nov 23 — Dec 21 DEAR old Earth! It is everyone’s favourite planet. Just ask any of its seven billion inhabitants. We could have picked so many other destinations in this eternal, infinite universe. Why here? Or have you lately begun to suspect there was no choice? Were you sent here against your will? Are you serving a punishment? We all wonder such things at times, and then we remember how good things can feel when they are going our way. As you will see. Uncertain? I have recorded a special message for you and I will give you the key to your future. Just call 0906 751 5609.
CAPRICORN Dec 22 — Jan 20 IF IT IS true that Capricorns are truly as sensible and responsible as some of my colleagues repeatedly insist, how do we explain that there is nothing very sensible about succumbing to a sense of pessimism? What if it must surely be the considered conclusion of any intelligent logical person that the world tends to bring more joy and success when we refuse to fear misfortune and embrace hope? Don’t apologise for a belief that things can and will improve. Just set about making sure that they do. Anxious? I have recorded a very special message for you and I will give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5610.
AQUARIUS Jan 21 — Feb 19 YOU have so much to be proud of. Well, don’t you? Or have you lately begun to see too many reasons why perhaps you should doubt that narrative? Have you started, instead, to tell yourself a tale about inadequacy and insufficiency? Have you even begun to believe that the proud sense of purpose that you once carried so closely to your heart was merely a fantasy born of a self-delusion? Even if so, you had best prepare for a happy reunion with your more confident self. Confused? I have recorded a message for you and I will give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5611.
PISCES Feb 20 — Mar 20 THINK of how much you would tell someone if only you felt that they would listen. Now imagine how they might wish they could communicate similar information to you. There are things we don’t say because we feel we mustn’t say them, because we fear we will betray confidences, because we suspect we may be judged harshly or, perhaps, just because we simply don’t know how to find the words. Today, though, a brave breakthrough occurs and a deeper understanding is reached. Worried? I have recorded a message for you and I will give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5612.