Mum of four who says I really don’t want to make love any more
And nor, if they’re being honest, do most women with young children says this mother of four. So what does her other half make of it?
different. He leaves as soon as they get up in the mornings and doesn’t see them until they are fed and ready for bed in the evening. Meanwhile, I do everything in between. As a result, we’re not really on the same page emotionally.
Nor are we both as trim and youthful as we were when we first got together. While I still think Sam is handsome, he does look different to the devoted gym- goer I fell in love with.
Do I feel guilty about our dire love life? Or worry that Sam might be unfaithful to me as a result? After all, there is the age-old idea that ‘if he’s not getting it at home, he will find it somewhere else’.
My honest — and some may say surprising — answer is ‘no’. If a man would jeopardise a loving and stable relationship with the mother of his children just because he hasn’t had sex for a few months, then he simply isn’t worth having.
I know I can trust Sam, and while he may be confused and hurt by my constant rejection, he’d never cheat on me. I have heard close friends say things like: ‘I feel so bad for John — we hardly ever have sex.’
Well, I don’t feel bad for my partner and neither should they. You might be married but you did not sign over the rights to your body.
You did not enter into a contract whereby you are obliged to put aside your feelings to protect his.
You don’t owe it to your husband or partner to have sex when you don’t want to. I understand that sometimes he might try to bargain and cajole and convince you. I’ve experienced this myself.
But no means no. Even in marriage, it is not an opening for a discussion. It’s the end of the conversation. I know that to some couples the sexual side of their relationship is extremely important — it was for us once, too.
I know from experience, though, those hormone-fuelled early days don’t last for ever.
But that closeness can be regained in other ways. Sam and I are still very tactile with each other. We say ‘I love you’ multiple times a day, enjoy each other’s company and laugh as much as we ever did. We hold hands and hug, but for me that’s all I can manage right now. Hopefully, that’s enough for him.
SAM SAYS: there are times, I must admit, when I miss the intimacy that comes with sex. When I first met Nat, I thought she was beautiful and, of course, I enjoyed our active love life.
But our relationship developed quickly — which was great — and we had twins when we were in our mid-20s. that was the first time in our relationship that there had been a lack of sex. But I hadn’t expected anything different. It was after Lola was born that things got worse.
It was exhausting simply getting through the day. Sex was off the menu, and I’d be lying if I said that sense of being close to Nat in that way wasn’t an issue. But I was more concerned about our children and Nat’s well-being. Seeing the woman I loved in such a state of despair was worrying to say the least.
Eventually, however, life returned to ‘normal’. When Nat got pregnant with Jasper it was a real shock, but again I was excited. I love having children — it’s like having four best friends in the house and I’d have more if we could. But once again, sex has taken a back seat.
I also wonder if our sex life has dwindled in part because I’ve let myself go, and ditched the healthy diet and rigorous workout regime I devoted my time to before we had children. But I’m not ashamed of putting my family before my physical appearance — I always put the children first and myself last.
Some men, if rebuffed by their girlfriend or wife, might go looking elsewhere for sexual fulfilment. But I can honestly say I wouldn’t even entertain the thought of being unfaithful to the mother of my four wonderful children. today, Nat and I are simply getting on with life.
I am not one of those who dwell on the negatives, and despite the lack of sex at the moment, I know our relationship will survive.
I know things won’t be like this for ever. the baby is still so young and so dependent on Nat, as Lola was before. We got through that and we will get through this, too.
We have such a strong relationship and sex is only a small part of it.