Getting divorced SAVED our marriage
They had bitterly painful splits — then realised they couldn’t live without each other. Meet the couples who say ...
FOR SO long, theirs seemed the most idyllic of marriages. Childhood sweethearts Steve and Ann Berry walked down the aisle, aged 21 and 17, blissfully in love. From that day they led an unexceptional, but happy, life. Cosy Sunday lunches, nights tucked up in front of the television and, when their three daughters came along, family holidays.
For 22 years, the couple, from Redditch, Worcestershire, remained by each other’s side. Steve had a successful career as a financial adviser, Ann worked in accounts for a local firm. There were no rows and their girls grew into beautiful young teenagers. But, in 2004, Ann suddenly found herself filled with discontent.
‘It’s difficult to say what went wrong. Steve and I never fought and the girls say they have very happy memories of their childhood. I just remember thinking: “I don’t want to be married any more.” I felt I had missed out by marrying so young. I wondered what my life would have been like if I had experienced more. I felt Steve and I were stuck in a rut.
‘We were comfortable but felt more like friends than lovers. I couldn’t help wondering if there was something more exciting.’ They split, rapidly and painfully. Steve was bereft, then angry and their daughters were confused and heartbroken.
For years, Steve and Ann couldn’t bear to be in the same room. Vitriol and bitterness replaced the happy times they had shared.
So, in the face of such anguish, how on earth did Steve, now 54, and Ann, now 50, reunite just five years later?
The Berrys are one of a growing number of couples who fit a pattern described last week by family judge Sir Paul Coleridge. He said those who divorce are likely to regret it after living with the consequences.
‘It has been obvious to me that…a significant proportion of people who separate wish they had not five years down the line,’ said Sir Paul, who retired from the High Court bench after launching the Marriage Foundation think-tank. His comments came as new research showed the number of ‘boomerang’ couples, who divorce then reunite, is increasing. According to the study, more than a quarter of divorcees in Britain considered reconciliation, 12 per cent got back together and 40 per cent admitted to still loving their ex.
Sir Paul could have been talking about Steve and Ann. They met in 1981 and, despite their youth, married two years later. ‘I’d just left school and had a place at college in Birmingham, but I ended up staying in Redditch to be with Steve,’ says Ann.
‘When we married, I was so young my name couldn’t go on the mortgage of the house. Everyone assumed I was pregnant but I wasn’t; I was just so in love and felt sure our relationship was right.’
That feeling was cemented by the birth of their daughter, Casey, now 29, and, later, identical twins Hannah and Charlotte, 27.
But Ann’s momentary doubts wrenched their family apart. ‘I took the girls to live in rented accommodation. It was a huge wrench for the children, who were at secondary school. I feel terrible about that.’
THE
split was rancorous, with Steve unwilling to accept his marriage was over. ‘ I loved Ann. I couldn’t understand why she was breaking up the family,’ he says, ‘but we couldn’t have a civil conversation with each other.’
They were forced to see one another once a week when Steve picked their daughters up for visits and would argue about everything from whether Steve was ensuring the girls were doing their homework to the fact Ann was now in a new relationship.
Despite the heady excitement of this relationship, it was volatile. Despairing at this situation, Ann found herself calling the one man she knew she could rely on: Steve.
Ann’s needs took over Steve’s life, despite the fact he was in another relationship. ‘I had met someone, but I was always leaving her to help Ann so it didn’t work out,’ he says.
Ann began to look at Steve differently. He still had that same old kindness and humour. She found herself comparing her new relationship to the one she’d had with Steve and realised how close and loving their marriage had been.
In 2009, Ann left her partner. Steve was there, helping her to pick up the pieces — and their caring friendship soon became more romantic. ‘ The romantic spark was much stronger when we got back together,’ says Ann. ‘We both felt elated to be back together. Steve never gave up on me.
‘I didn’t believe the person I had met at 15 could be right for me because I felt I hadn’t lived enough, but I realised he was.’
When they remarried in 2012, their daughters were bridesmaids and their grandchildren flower girls. ‘The girls were wary when we first got back together, but they know now we’ll be together for ever,’ says Ann.
‘We get on so much better,’ says Steve. ‘I’ve always loved Ann. I’m so happy to have her back.’
Christine Northam, a counsellor from Relate, says crunch points in relationships, such as stressful jobs or coping with small children, are often what cause divorce. A few years down the line, however, former couples may realise the situation, rather than any inherent flaw in their relationship, was to blame for their unhappiness.
‘After anger has subsided, people can find they see good parts of their relationship as well as the bad,’ says Christine. ‘Priorities can change and we realise things we thought were important, work, for instance, may not be. ‘If former partners resume their relationship, it has a good chance of being successful because they are more emotionally mature.’
Some couples realise rather quickly that they have made a mistake. Martin Copland and Julie Minter were struck by regret shortly after their split in 2003. Martin, 54, and Julie, 46, from Pavenham, Bedfordshire, fell in love in 1998. Martin was an export business adviser, and Julie was running a start-up export company.
‘She was my client, but I was smitten,’ says Martin, now a communications manager. ‘We had a whirlwind relationship and married in August 1999. We adored one another.’
However, tensions soon emerged, thanks to the fact they both often worked abroad. ‘We rarely saw each other. We were basically crossing in the hallway,’ says Julie. ‘We weren’t spending enough time together to keep our relationship alive.’
Evenings together, weekends, even birthdays fell prey to their careers.
‘Julie missed my 40th birthday because she was on a work trip to New Zealand,’ says Martin. ‘I started to think: “These are the times we should be together. If we’re not, what’s the point?” We had disagreements over what our priorities were and couldn’t seem to compromise.’
They remained friends, with Julie even helping Martin move into and decorate his new home. ‘ We still loved each other,’ says Julie. ‘I could picture us growing old together. We just couldn’t see how to make it work, which was so sad.’
They divorced, but love still burned. ‘We were always on the phone to each other, or meeting,’ says Martin. ‘We had other partners, but we’d call one another to moan about them.’
By 2005, work had taken Julie to
houston, Texas. She got engaged to a ranch owner, but she and Martin kept in touch by email. ‘When I heard Julie had become engaged, I was sad, but I also hoped she was happy,’ says Martin.
When Julie had a health scare she realised she wanted only Martin: ‘My fiance was useless in a crisis. I tried to get hold of Martin, but he was on a charity hike in Peru.’
Martin says: ‘When I landed at heathrow, I got a voicemail from Julie and three days later was on a plane to houston. I just wanted to be there because I loved her.’
Julie left her fiance and returned to Britain to be with Martin. It was less than two years since their split.
Initially, they kept their renewed relationship secret. ‘ When you divorce, people take sides and try to comfort you by saying “he was never right for you”, so we wanted to be sure before we told everyone,’ says Julie.
Their passion for each other was stronger than ever. ‘ We never wanted to be apart, even for a few hours — we were so grateful for the second chance that we didn’t want to waste any time,’ says Julie. ‘When we did come clean, our family and friends were delighted for us.’
In 2008, Julie proposed to Martin while they were on a Caribbean cruise. ‘She got down on one knee on the liner,’ says Martin. ‘She said it was her turn, as I’d done it first time. We knew we’d get married again.’
They married five years later, in 2013. ‘We’re more aware of the effort marriage takes,’ says Julie, a communications director. ‘This time, we made a choice to travel less for work, but more with each other.
‘I’m taking exams to become a personal trainer and Martin’s planning early retirement, so we’ll have more time for each other. We know what we lost. We feel we have to make up for those lost years.’
Diane and Lloyd Dwyers, from Kidderminster, Worcestershire, were apart for more than two decades and had married other people before they were reconciled.
They married in 1986, when Diane was 24 and Lloyd 23, but the marriage lasted only four years.
DIANe,
now 54 and an executive assistant, says: ‘We didn’t try hard enough. I thought marriage would be easy. Our parents were happy. I thought it just happened. Now I know how much effort is needed.
‘We argued over the minutiae of life: who would do the housework, friends of Lloyd’s I didn’t like. We began to drift. When the excitement faded we just ended it.’
Diane was unhappy with her new husband. ‘Our relationship was much less fun than my marriage to Lloyd. even when Lloyd and I argued, we could make each other laugh. In my second marriage, the rows were much worse.’
She split from her second husband in 2000, while Lloyd’s second marriage lasted 18 years before he and his wife separated in 2009, after having two daughters. Diane had lived abroad because of her new husband’s job, but moved back to Kidderminster and would occasionally see Lloyd in the street.
One day, in 2011, Lloyd was in a pub when Diane walked in. ‘We started chatting,’ says building company owner Lloyd, 53.
‘We just hit it off again. Neither of us have changed much and we still have the same chemistry, but I worried it would be too messy if we tried again. Then, one day, Diane called me. That was that.’
Diane smiles as she admits: ‘The years didn’t change the fact I still fancied Lloyd like mad. Being together again felt natural.’
They remarried on June 7, 2012; the anniversary of their first wedding. ‘We’re so happy,’ says Diane. ‘My only regret is not having children with Lloyd, but it feels so easy being back with him.’
Lloyd says: ‘We try harder now. If something is upsetting one of us, we know we need to talk about it. If we row, we kiss and make up more quickly. Life seems to be less complicated than all those years ago.’