Oh dear, you have tons of work to do

‘Welcome to our little group, sit down and take a pew. ‘I can see before we weigh you in, there’s tons of work to do.

‘We’d better see the damage,’ she said, pointing to the scale. Red numbers flashed in kilos. She let out a mighty wail.

‘I always like a challenge, you must agree you’re that, ‘And relatively speaking, you’re overweight, nay, fat!

‘You must adhere most strongly to the programme writ within.’ She handed me a booklet and smirked a wicked grin. ‘Forget the bread and puddings, the choccies and the chips. ‘The sauces on the takeaways, the vino — even sips.

‘From now on you will schedule your eating programme tight ‘And don’t go pinching biscuits in the middle of the night! ‘I’ll let you have a lettuce leaf, an ounce of cottage cheese, ‘Make sure the milk is skimmed of fat. Keep low on protein, please.

‘Cut out the carbohydrate. A tomato is OK. ‘A thinly sliced cucumber can fill your plate today.

‘You can quench with mineral water, a squeeze of lemon in, ‘But when you’re pouring bottles, do not select the gin.’

I listened quite intently to the talk we had to hear On what we should and shouldn’t eat, and foods we needs must fear.

‘A moment on your tongue, dear, a lifetime on your hips,’ She called out full of meaning. ‘I’ll give you lots of tips.

‘Be thankful for the ounce or so we hope you will disown ‘Though it might take a miracle to expose a taut hip bone.’.

I took the diet seriously to the letter of the law And scuttled back the following week to be admonished more.

Imagine my surprise, then, when stood on scales alone To hear a friendly leader say: ‘You’ve got off half a stone!’

So if, for consolation, you scoff ten bags of crisps And the cellulite has settled in rolls around your hips,

Come join us at the slim club and see what you can do . . . To create a slender body. A beautiful new you.

Viv Seaman, Thorpe Bay, Essex.