My sister’s death is crippling me

DEAR BEL

I AM 42, a mum of four, planning a summer wedding to my wonderful fiance, but my existence is dogged by grief.

My sister, 33, died last August, after battling alcoholism and depression for years. She harmed herself, was on medication and had been diagnosed as bipolar.

She was the most beautiful, witty, kind, stubborn and generous human being, in heart and spirit. We lived almost 300 miles apart but kept in touch via texts and saw each other every summer.

I feel devastated, bereft. She must have felt embarrassed and ashamed of her addiction. To realise she suffered so much alone is heartbreaking.

I feel guilty for not listening to my fears and making more time for my sister. Our last texts were so poignant: I told her to look after her health and that I loved and missed her so much; she replied echoing the same. Four days later she died.

I walk every day, I’m writing (great therapy), yet this horrible cloud just won’t lift and I feel so alone. My children and my partner are everything to me and I need to be strong for them, yet I often feel detached from myself. They say time heals, but my longing for her never abates.

Growing up, our mother dismissed problems, making us feel that we had to deal with upsets ourselves. She wasn’t demonstrative and never said she loved us, though we knew she did. Our father is a heavy drinker, so her life has not been easy.

Now my parents and remaining sister have cut off all contact with me (I haven’t a clue why) so that doesn’t help, but I need to focus on getting through this barrier of hopelessness.

I am thinking of joining a bereavement support group. Do you have other suggestions?

SEREN

SUCH a loss is terrible and I am so sorry you have suffered what must have been an acute shock to the whole family. Is that perhaps why your parents and your other sister have ‘cut off all contact’? You say you have no idea why, yet you are obviously very intelligent and sensitive, and therefore I’m not entirely convinced. did you have words at your sister’s funeral? Are they finding their own grief impossible to deal with?

There must have been a trigger for this current dysfunction. It could be making your feelings of loss much worse — which is why I urge you to try hard to set things right. Write to your parents. Let them know how much you are hurting and that you all need each other.

I found myself wondering if your sister took her own life, either deliberately or (unsurprisingly given her alcoholism) accidentally. The facts could have a bearing on (a) your guilt and (b) your family’s refusal to speak to you. It might be useful to write all these things down, for your own contemplation.

Your letter explained how your sister used to visit you two or three times a year, but this tailed off when ( you assume) her alcoholism took hold.

You torture yourself by imagining how ashamed she felt of the person she had become and this is fuelling your guilt. Had you seen her more often, you might have been able to see how badly she needed help, but please reflect that with four children and a life of your own, you can’t be blamed for your sister’s choices.

It’s a blessing that, in the event, you did bid farewell with love, even if you didn’t realise it at the time.

What now? Yes, a bereavement group would a very good idea, because people can help each other by sharing feelings of guilt which are so often a part of bereavement. I’m assuming you have researched local ones, and the CRUSE website ( cruse.org.uk) will also be useful.

Because you enjoy words, it might also help you to read poetry. neil Astley edited a wonderful anthology called do not Go Gentle and there are many other books to help you. doing some research might be good therapy, too.

In the past I have made a suggestion that people have found useful. Write a letter to your beloved sister, in which you pour all your thoughts, regrets and love, and then make a pilgrimage somewhere special in order to bury or burn it.

I am told this ritual can be calming and strangely cleansing. Why not try it? Tell your sister that you will go on living, loving and recreating your own, wonderful life, in all its beauty, for her sake.