It’s not a curse to be childless

AT ONE of my recent book talks somebody asked how I console myself. I replied that apart from relaxing with books, TV and my husband, I like time with my family.

But such a reply can lead to more problems!

An email from B says: ‘In one And Finally column you talked about embracing life’s stages: mother/grandmother. But what happens to women who are childless and therefore have no grandchildren — missing out twice? They may not have parents either as you clearly do. What about their life stages? No mention of them in your column!’

B was unable to have children, but was married with a stepson. After divorce (her husband had an affair) she ‘built a new life full of interests and work’ and now fundraises for local charities.

She continues: ‘I have made a new circle of friends and avoid people who talk at length about their children/grandchildren/family.

‘Yet though I have built such a full life I felt totally depressed at Christmas without a family of my own. It is a void that cannot be filled so I went back on antidepressants.’

B suggests it is ‘insensitive’ of people like me not to acknowledge ‘the pain of childlessness and the impact that it has on your life.’

I am sad to have caused unintentional hurt. The trouble is, if I make the assumption all women without children are necessarily unhappy that would also be wrong. Some choose not to have a family; others may even have lost children, yet have no objection to sharing the jolly anecdotes of others.

I can assure B that I do know (through the experience of somebody very dear) how painful it can be to be childless. But can I gently point out that most people have to come to terms with those shortfalls in happiness about which nothing can be done?

Expecting others not to talk about their joys but to walk on egg-shells around you is arguably more damaging to yourself than healing. All I can do is hope that B maintained a relationship with that stepson and that the rich activities in her life do provide some consolation.