My daughter never sees her own child
novelist, grandmother of four and ex-Blue Peter presenter Janet ellis, 60, answers your questions . . .
Q
I’M WORRIED about my granddaughter — or, more specifically, about how little time my daughter and her husband spend with her.
She’s three-and-a-half and goes to nursery five days a week, from 8.30am until 6pm, because my daughter and her husband both work full-time.
At weekends, they often leave her for the day, or overnight, with her other grandparents — who I think spoil her terribly — sometimes because they have specific plans, such as doing DIY, other times simply going to events without her.
It’s not that I think they don’t love their daughter, and she seems to be a very happy, spirited, well-adjusted child. I just worry that she seems to be shunted from pillar to post.
It’s a far cry from when I had my children — my husband worked long hours and all the childcare fell to me. I would never want my daughter to have to give up work, but I feel that weekends should be family time.
How can I broach this subject with my daughter without sounding like I’m interfering?
A
MANY things change when your children have children. For a start, they suddenly understand what you’ve been talking about over the years, and what it really means to be tired.
They wonder how they ever left the house in less than 15 minutes. and their new responsibilities deepen your relationship with them, too.
Their dual role, as your child and a parent, takes quite a lot of getting used to, for both of you. It’s inevitable that seeing them caring for their offspring reminds you of your time as the mother of a little one.
and for every fabulous development there’s been since you and I had toddlers (it was all terry nappies when I had my eldest, so I envy today’s efficient disposables!), there are unnerving differences, too. Most households are dual-earning nowadays, and couples are encouraged to try to spend some precious time on their own.
Of course you feel conflicted: you’re proud of the success your daughter is making of parenting — she’s produced a very self-assured little girl — and yet you’re worried by the way she and her husband are going about it. For all your concerns, I think your granddaughter has a great deal of stability. Children are creatures of habit. Her regular nursery attendance obviously suits her. Likewise, she enjoys her frequent stays with her other grandparents. Of course they indulge her, but they’re not really spoiling her, are they? Her behaviour isn’t affected.
I think the reason you’re upset about your daughter’s time away from her child is that you are full of regret for your own past. It must have been extremely frustrating to have had to give up work and care for your children, without close relatives to help you.
I presume you didn’t offer weekend care because you thought your daughter should be with her child instead — but there’s nothing to suggest they wouldn’t welcome some babysitting from you, too.
Your granddaughter starts school fairly soon and then there will be plenty of slots up for grabs, whether it’s picking her up from school or having holiday fun.
Get ready to step in!