SEX The Q&A
Has our marriage run out of steam?
QI’M 33 and have been married for six years, but we haven’t had sex for three. We have a tiny flat and my husband sleeps on the sofa while I sleep in the bedroom.
Except for meals, which I cook, we spend all our time in different rooms. He doesn’t show me affection or even hug me. I’ve tried to talk to him, but he says everything is ‘fine’.
We get on OK, but we can’t afford separate places so perhaps if I found a cheap flat with two bedrooms (he has grudgingly agreed), we could live as friends?
AI don’t think sex is necessarily the most important part of a marriage, as long as both people agree. nor do I think there’s anything wrong with separate bedrooms. You can still maintain intimacy if you’re sleeping in separate beds.
there are no rules when it comes to relationships, and it is perfectly possible to be happy — but only if both partners agree. However, no sex, separate rooms, and no affection or emotional communication isn’t really a relationship at all. You don’t only sleep in separate rooms, you live separate lives.
that doesn’t sound like friendship or marriage. Friends are kind to each other, they share intimate thoughts and enjoy each other’s company. Most importantly, there is give and take. It doesn’t sound as if there’s anything mutual about your relationship. He refuses to communicate and is grudging about your suggestions to improve the marriage.
does he want the relationship to work? to not discuss it and say everything is ‘fine’ is both cowardly and selfish. It seems your happiness is a matter of complete indifference.
the only thing that seems to be holding this relationship together is money. Money is an awful trap, but a greater worry is that you’re looking at an unhappy future. Living as ‘friends’ gives you little possibility of finding a new, loving relationship, or indeed having a family.
It sounds as if you feel so emotionally crushed you’re clutching at straws, however fragile. Is it possible to escape your prison, however briefly; perhaps stay with a friend, to get a different perspective? there are always options, but when we feel beaten we lose sight of them.