Can I find happiness with a wife who hates me?

DEAR BEL I HAVE been married for 41 years and now there is a crisis in our relationship which is also adversely affecting our daughter, who is in her mid-20s, and our 13-year-old grandson.

Our older married daughter went through such troubled times she gave up looking after her son and he has been living with us for the past 18 months.

My younger daughter, I suppose, suffers from agoraphobia, although not diagnosed. I put this label on her because she has always lived with us, has no social life and has not worked since leaving school eight years ago. She rarely goes out and then only with us. She has her own business, which she operates over the internet.

I have just retired and am finding it difficult to adjust, mainly because of the constant petty arguments with my wife.

For the past three years I have been taking (and will be for the foreseeable future) antidepressants. I have received counselling through my previous occupation and the NHS (problem-solving CBT). I can’t stop worrying about our marriage, family life, both daughters and my grandson.

My wife has terrible mood swings and is very unhappy. Her way of dealing with her anger is to take it out on me, mainly, and occasionally on our grandson.

She has lost faith in many things, including herself and the church, which she attended regularly. She is in a rut and doesn’t have any real outlet other than meeting friends for coffee twice a week.

She says that she hates me and wants to get away from me. I feel she constantly goads me to make this happen. I do not hate her, I love her, but her behaviour is increasingly pushing me towards what she wants.

The situation feels fairly bleak, but when calm ( usually on weekends or days away) we have enjoyed each other’s company enormously. At present the highs are very high and the lows very low.

My wife stopped working more than 30 years ago when she started a family and didn’t go back to work. She has sacrificed her life for her family and now seems to resent this, blaming everything (mainly me) for her unhappiness. I have suggested she consult a doctor, but she is dead against this.

I fear that if I leave her, my daughter and grandson will suffer. Also I fear for myself — will I be able to cope?

To be honest, I just want a quiet life, but above that I want my wife, daughters and grandson to be happy. Any advice?

ALEX

The sadness, the confusion and the fear within your email is clear — and also very distressing. It is easy to see why you feel beaten by general unhappiness.

But what worries me most is the effect on that 13-year-old boy, whose mother’s problems uprooted him to live with you.

This can’t have been easy. he has done nothing wrong and it feels deeply unjust, even cruel, that his life is being made so hard by his mother and his grandparents at a time when puberty will bring such a lot to deal with.

So my first request is that you take some deep breaths, think hard about that boy and attempt to talk seriously to your wife about his emotional welfare. This is urgent: you adults need to place him at the centre of your deliberations. You say (and I believe you) that you want him to be happy. This must be the starting point.

Let’s move on to your daughters. You give no detail about the problems of the older one and are perhaps mistaken to ‘label’ your younger daughter. It may seem strange to you that she is so reclusive; on the other hand, she does run her own online business.

So I suggest that, for the sake of

clarity in a confused situation, you ‘park’ both women at the side of your mind, telling yourself that you cannot solve their problems — not just now.

As you are recently retired, I would expect you to feel somewhat at a loss. But the fact that you have been treated for depression while at work, and are still on medication, shows that your anxiety is more than just retirement ‘blues’.

Be sure each day to use any CBT ( cognitive behavioural therapy) strategies you have learned in the past (make it a ritual at the same time) and think of returning to counselling to continue the process of picking through the thicket of your worries, as I am trying to do here.

One thing I want you to realise: your desire for ‘ a quiet life’ is unfeasible. Many men turn away from emotional issues because they just can’t face them and this is something you should talk to your counsellor about.

Obviously, I also think your wife should see a doctor and wonder if she has a special friend you could confide in, to help to persuade her that she does need help. Think about the right person. Was there somebody associated with her church who might be able to talk about her spiritual and mental malaise?

Do you know if she has come through the menopause? Her ‘mood swings’ could certainly be a symptom of a physical condition, made much worse by her unhappiness.

You need to consider this. It gives me some hope that you are still able to enjoy time off together and this one positive thing in your letter must be kept shining in your mind, like a beacon.

On one of those pleasant days out, can you not sit down over a good meal, tell her that you love her and ask her what you can do to make a fresh start? Beg her to go to couple’s counselling. I know this sounds hard, but please do it and don’t give up hope yet. For both your sakes, but especially for that boy.