And now on Radio 4, even MORE murder!
With all the excitement aroused by the first near murder on the Archers in 65 years, increasing numbers of Radio 4 institutions will be attempting to generate more listeners by following suit.
The Shipping Forecast
‘And now the Shipping Forecast, issued by the Met Office on behalf of the Maritime and Coastguard Agency for the next 24 hours. Humber, Thames, south-west four or five, occasionally six later. Thundery showers. Moderate or good, occasionally poor.
‘Irritation, increasing to provocation, leading to body overboard, caused by moderate to excessive violence. Increasing suspicion, followed by road blocks and secret recordings. Lie doggo for a bit, then hope for the best.’
Gardeners’ Question Time
Q: Could the panel recommend ways for burying an unwanted corpse on a spring evening in clay soil in an exposed area, allowing for frosty conditions? Bob, Somerset.
PIPPA: ‘Well, Bob, I have an awful lot of sympathy with your plight, as I found myself in much the same dilemma when I took a knife to an irritating relative in March of last year. Clay soil can prove awfully hard to dig in frosty conditions, so you’d do well to invest in an electric digger.’
MATT: ‘One further tip, if I may, Bob. Once your digging’s complete, I’d put a sheet of black polythene over the surface of the ground, so as to deter any nosy parkers from getting suspicious and snooping around, which might, of course, lead to further deaths, and we wouldn’t want that, now, would we?’ (Audience laughter.)
CHRISTINE: ‘ I agree with Matt. Many’s the time I’ve attempted to bury a corpse in clay soil and found myself coming a cropper. The alternative is to cut your corpse into more disposable portions, then transport them all in an unmarked vehicle to an area with more peaty soil. I might also add a touch of hydrochloric acid to the mix, just to help matters along. Happy digging to you all!’
Thought For The Day with the Rev Phil Treadwater
‘LIFe is not always easy. The news yesterday that the price of petrol is to go up by a penny a litre over the next few years sent shockwaves through our community.
‘ To those planning to inherit money by running their car over a wealthy relative as he or she walks along a quiet country lane, this additional cost may well prove prohibitive. So let us take succour from the words of St Appal, who reassured us that “for those who constitute a barrier to our happiness, there are a thousand ways to hasten their end”.
‘Wise words indeed. And to those who despair of ever doing away with their nearest and dearest, let me offer this note of consolation.
‘As human beings, not all our plans succeed. That is the nature of life. But if a dear one continues to get in our way, then we must remain calm and understanding, knowing that, sooner or later, they will fall into our trap, and our plans will come good.’
In Our Time with Melvyn Bragg
‘HeLLO. Today we address one of the most important issues known to contemporary society: is Helen Titchener guilty of attempted murder? And, if not, why not? ‘With me in the studio to explore the subject are Professor drear from Oxford University, dr Lynne nervy, Visiting Lecturer in Law at University College and . . .
PROF DREAR: ‘Aaargh! I’m done for! Call the police!’
BRAGG: ‘ . . .and Professor Gillian Slumber from the University of east Anglia. Gillian, if I could start
with you . . .’
PROF SLUMBER: ‘But you’ve just stabbed Professor drear, Melvyn!’
BRAGG: ‘It wasn’t my fault. He was being too controlling.’
PROF SLUMBER: ‘But you can’t just stab someone and expect to . . .’
BRAGG: ‘ Sorry, but you’ve had your turn. Take that!’
PROF SLUMBER: ‘Aaargh!’ BRAGG: ‘now, dr Lynne nervy, if I could bring you in here . . .’
The Queen’s Christmas Message
‘AT THIS time of year, when friends and family are home together, it’s often a golden opportunity for happy memories and reminiscing.
‘But our thoughts are also with those we have loved who have, in recent years, become too controlling, exerting rather too much of their energy in making us feel small.
‘To these people, we hold out a hand, and if that hand should have a sharp knife in it, then so much the better. “Take that!” we say, in celebration of family values, “And that! And that! And that!”
‘And while they lie there on the floor, making the most dreadful mess, we look forward to telephoning our friends, so as to tell them the good news, and to insist that our loved one jolly well had it coming.
‘And, with that, may I take this opportunity to wish you all a very happy Christmas.’