JONATHAN CAINER

Will a hidden planet cause Earth’s destruction later this month? A current news story suggests as much. if that were true, we wouldn’t have to worry about who will win the U.S. Republican nomination or about Britain’s future in Europe. it would prove that one retired professor knows more about the cosmos than every other expert. And even if i and all my colleagues shouted: ‘Don’t worry, the end is NOT nigh,’ who would call us to account if we were wrong? Even so, i confidently promise: There IS a future! So don’t max out your credit card today.

ARIES Mar 21 — Apr 20 ‘IF YOU fail to prepare, prepare to fail.’ That is the rallying cry of the Association of Control Freaks! It is part of the secret ritual by which they acknowledge and greet each other. They say it with such enthusiasm and conviction that their intensity of belief almost borders on the religious. To question the validity of such an assumption is seen as heretical. Yet, if you fail to prepare, you just open yourself up to the glorious magic of spontaneity. That’s really all you need today. Confused? I’ve recorded four minutes of news that will change how you feel. Call 0906 751 5601 or 87177 from a mobile phone.

TAURUS Apr 21 — May 21 THEY say there should be planets like ours in other solar systems, occupied by sentient creatures not dissimilar to ourselves. Many of the experts who say this make their points in treatises full of long phrases, thick footnotes and puzzling parentheses. So they must know what they are talking about. Mustn’t they? Only, nobody has got any proof. This may be all there is. Here may be as good as it gets. Doesn’t that give us all an obligation to enjoy life as much as we can? You can do that today. Anxious? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. For the key to your future, call 0906 751 5602 or 87177 from a mobile phone.

GEMINI May 22 — June 22 IT WOULDN’T matter how far you were to go in an effort to avoid being put upon for favours. You could travel from here to the end of the land or even to another land. You would still find yourself receiving requests. But that’s OK, isn’t it? They are right when they say that it is nice to be needed. Unless, that is, what you personally need most now is not to be needed quite so much, so that you can attend to some of your own needs. In which case, you will have to be strong. Worried? Just four minutes on the phone will help. There’s an important message for you. Call 0906 751 5603 or 87177 from a mobile phone.

CANCER June 23 — July 23 ‘THEY don’t make things like they used to.’ Or so people say. But even back when the manufacturing industry produced products with longevity, some things, by their very nature, had to remain ephemeral. There are some experiences we just can’t extend and, actually, we wouldn’t want to if we could. Sometimes, we create great confusion when we try to hang on to what must be allowed to come and go. Prepare, soon, to meet, greet and see what’s sweet in something swift and splendid. Confused? I’ve recorded four minutes of news that will change how you feel. Call 0906 751 5604 or 87177 from a mobile phone.

LEO July 24 — Aug 23 FIRST, we are reliably informed, came light. Then, slowly but surely, over the next five days or so, emerged the other paraphernalia required to build and sustain the world we now inhabit. Smart stuff. But if all that happened in days, why can’t we human beings be quite as productive? Why can’t we make magical things appear as if from nowhere? Why can’t we fill our days with stunning creativity? Actually, we can. This very day, you may yet be amazed by what you pull almost out of thin air. Anxious? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. For the key to your future, call 0906 751 5605 or 87177 from a mobile phone.

VIRGO Aug 24 — Sep 23 THE unspoken assumption among a large number of people is that we must have a long, carefully compiled list of dos and don’ts to follow and that, without these, there would be a terrible state of anarchy. Yet even if that’s true, do we really need quite as many limitations and restrictions? And what about the rules that we impose so intensely on ourselves? How can one bit of us get to tell another bit what it can or can’t do? Where is the democracy in that? Might it be time for a rebellion today? Worried? Just four minutes on the phone will help. There’s an important message for you. Call 0906 751 5606 or 87177 from a mobile phone.

LIBRA Sep 24 — Oct 23 IF SOME astrological signs truly were more fortunate than others, every astrologer would be remiss if they failed to say so. ‘Just try,’ they would have to say, ‘to be more like someone born under this sign, less like someone born under that!’ So, why don’t people like me say such things? Because there is no such thing as a bad sign. Fortune favours us all equally. While we may express ourselves differently, we are all entitled to heavenly help. That’s why you are due to get so much of it today. Confused? I’ve recorded four minutes of news that will change how you feel. Call 0906 751 5607 or 87177 from a mobile phone.

SCORPIO Oct 24 — Nov 22 IF YOU push yourself as hard as you can, where will you end up? Even if you reach the top of the tree or the great, quasimythical winning post at the end of a rat-race, won’t it be a pyrrhic victory if that symbol of success is something you see only briefly before collapsing from exhaustion? Likewise, if you display the most self-sacrificing qualities, you may help make the planet a better place, but how much longer would you be for this world? A sensible compromise is called for today. Anxious? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. For the key to your future, call 0906 751 5608 or 87177 from a mobile phone.

SAGITTARIUS Nov 23 — Dec 21 IT IS nearly a quarter of a century since Bill Murray starred in Groundhog Day. The weather-predicting ceremony of this name continues and, though a new generation has been born, the phrase has entered the language. We use it to refer to repetitious routines. ‘Oh, I can’t believe I’m doing that again.’ But now it seems you are about to do the same thing very differently. It may yet have a different result — one that proves most delightful, just as in the movie! Worried? Just four minutes on the phone will help. There’s an important message for you. Call 0906 751 5609 or 87177 from a mobile phone.

CAPRICORN Dec 22 — Jan 20 IF SOMEONE is thirsty, why do they need a ladder? Perhaps because they have fallen into a hole. Maybe there is no water there and they will not be able to quench their thirst until they have first climbed out. Other issues (such as the whereabouts of a tap or the need for a clean cup) can be tackled later. First, more pressing than all else, the biggest, most immediate obstacle to progress must be dealt with. Don’t dwell today on what you haven’t got and wished you had. Just look at how to get it. Confused? I’ve recorded four minutes of news that will change how you feel. Call 0906 751 5610 or 87177 from a mobile phone.

AQUARIUS Jan 21 — Feb 19 DON’T we all want to do whatever seems easiest? We all prefer a sense of easy progress to a feeling of friction. Yet aren’t life’s richest rewards reserved for those willing to fight a little harder and make an extra effort? Even if that’s so, it is hardly fair to say the folk who make life most difficult for themselves inevitably end up richer or happier. Today isn’t asking you to reach much of a compromise, just a gentle trade-off between what’s easy and what’s right. You can manage that! Anxious? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. For the key to your future, call 0906 751 5611 or 87177 from a mobile phone.

PISCES Feb 20 — Mar 20 IF WE allow ourselves to become overly sentimental, we may end up with a practical disadvantage. Yet if we become deeply and determinedly logical, we may ride roughshod over sensitivities that deserve more respect. It is all very well to say ‘strike a balance’. That’s much easier if you don’t have a vested interest in a situation. Yet what you can (and should) do today, is stand back, at least briefly, from whatever you feel so caught up in. The perspective this gives you will prove precious. Worried? Just four minutes on the phone will help. There’s an important message for you. Call 0906 751 5612 or 87177 from a mobile phone.