Where the blame lies

Like many others, i’m upset by reports of officials’ ‘neglect’ of the elderly. But i wonder how much of the emotion is guilt that perhaps we, the surviving relatives, have also neglected someone who would have given us unstinting, round-the-clock care had the positions been reversed.

My 86-year- old mother spent two months in hospital following an operation. i visited for a couple of hours every day. i was hesitant to bother the busy nurses, and i didn’t insist they replace the feeding tubes when she refused to eat normally.

She had been recovering well with nourishment. The doctors said: ‘We can’t keep her here, and she must eat on her own to go to a nursing home.’

i didn’t then know about postoperative temporary confusion.

So she deteriorated. They said she had reached the end of her life and was put on the Liverpool Pathway.

i planned to play her a tape of Christmas carols the following morning, but the hospital phoned at 7am. ‘She can’t have been dead long,’ they said, ‘she’s still warm.’

At first, i was grateful for the care she’d received in hospital; then i questioned the apparent haste to give up on her — and then i questioned my own behaviour.

i had not brought her to live with us and care for her to the end, as she did with her own mother. Had i spent long enough talking to her in hospital?

i had a life to lead, responsibilities, but her life was ending and she was my responsibility.

i didn’t stay with her on her last night: the doctors said i needed to keep up my strength and rest. But her strength was waning, and now she’s at her eternal rest.

i know my mother would have understood and forgiven me, but i cannot forgive myself. Nurses and doctors are busy, with thousands of needy patients: we each have only one mother. The system isn’t perfect. We aren’t perfect. All anyone can do is their best, at the time.

ROSEMARY GROVES, Andover, Hants.