Why I turned to cocaine after my baby son died
Two years after his baby son died and he turned to cocaine, Jake Livermore is a dad again
JAKE Livermore last played at Wembley in the FA Cup final of May, 2014. It was, in his own words, a happy time. His partner went into labour the following day.
Exactly 12 months on, news broke that the Hull City and England midfielder had tested positive for cocaine. He faced a two-year ban. The outside world reacted with predictable disdain, for this was a millionaire footballer caught out, indulging in Class A drugs.
The truth, however, was unknown to all except those closest to him. The little boy, who was also named Jake, had died during birth.
In April last year Livermore — and his partner Danielle — sat through the harrowing details of an inquest in which it was heard that their son’s death was avoidable. A legal case is ongoing.
Days later, a depressed and desperate Livermore took cocaine. He was locking away the pain. The key to unlocking it proved to be the positive test.
‘It was like getting out of prison, people finally knew there was something not right in my head,’ the 26-year- old tells Sportsmail ahead of his return to Wembley in tomorrow’s Championship play-off final against Sheffield Wednesday.
‘It was completely out of character for anything that I have ever been about.
‘Finally I could be myself instead of putting on a brave face 24/7 — at home, at work, getting a coffee, at the shops, you’re constantly trying to be someone you’re not and show emotions you’re not really feeling, because as soon as you shut your front door you become the broken man you actually are.
‘So for me, it was a relief. The drugs were irrelevant. It could have been drugs, a gun, a car crash or whatever, the selfdestruct button was the problem.
‘The way in which (his death) happened made it difficult to fight my own demons.
‘If you lose a child in God’s hands it is completely different. To find out why he had died, that was too much for my head and my heart to take.
‘That pain and hurt, it makes you do desperate things. I wasn’t thinking of the consequences.
‘I love my family more than life itself. You take that out of my life and you’re basically taking away me as a person. And that is what happened, I lost myself.
‘I was broken. Most people out there will have a son, a nephew, a little brother.
‘I could not deal with the loss and the circumstances of it, as well as the pressures of everyday life and trying to keep my team in the Premier League. If I was thinking with a cool head I would have asked for time off. But I didn’t want to let anyone down, I just looked at it as another injury I could play through.
‘That is a mind which isn’t clear. It was as if football was secondary. I needed help.
‘Bar the embarrassment for my parents, myself and the club, it was something that had to happen.
‘I had to know that there were people out there I could talk to.’
Livermore was suspended by the FA and Hull City were relegated from the Premier League the following week.
Last September, however, an independent FA panel ruled that the loss of his son was an overwhelming mitigating factor behind his drugs use and he returned to training. He has barely missed a minute since and is in line for player of the season honours.
But Livermore reflects: ‘I feared the worst, I thought my career was done. I’d mentally prepared for that. I understood the rules and would have accepted them.
‘Although my career would have been over, I could have got my life back on track, and at the time that was more important.
‘Even when I came back I didn’t know what people would think of me. But my team-mates and everyone at the club were incredible. Sometimes things have to be dark to see the light.
‘They stepped up and showed me what we have here. They made me feel stronger in letting me know that I could finally be myself. I have enjoyed my football again, that is important for any young individual, to wake up every day and look forward to what you do.
‘I wasn’t enjoying life or football for a long period of time.
‘To come back, it felt like being back with my family again and being in a better place.
‘ This is my opportunity for payback. What better way to thank everyone than helping us back into the Premier League?’
Sportsmail spent some time with Livermore earlier in the season when he visited a homeless shelter in Hull.
He sat in the bedroom of one resident, Charlie, and listened to him unload the demons which had plagued him following the death of his father at 15.
Before he left, Livermore pointed to a picture of Charlie’s daughter on the wall and said: ‘ Use her as your inspiration’. It was a poignant moment. A friend of Charlie’s thanked their footballing hero for taking the time to visit and expressed his sympathy for what the player had been through. Livermore was genuinely moved.
Talking about his own problems is something he wishes he had done far sooner.
‘Being “proud” is probably the best word to describe it,’ he says.
‘I’ve been able to look after most people around me — friends, family, cousins, godchildren — whether that is financially or physically or emotionally.
‘ When something like this happens it’s difficult to take your own advice and listen to yourself.
This macho image in football, of it being weak to talk and show your emotions, it’s a nonsense.
‘It needs to be addressed and the FA and PFA are doing all they can. I cannot thank the FA enough for how they listened and understood the position I was in.
‘During my hearing it hit home that football is about more than money, scoring goals, winning and losing. It’s about community and the fans and remembering that we’re all still human beings, it’s about people.
‘Anything the FA or PFA want me to do to help, then I will, to stop this happening to other players. I want to pay them back.
‘To have everything but feel as if you have nothing is a place you do not want to be.
‘I’ve been there, I want to help others.’ Livermore was moved by the story of Bournemouth midfielder Harry Arter, who revealed in January that his daughter was stillborn.
‘ I’ve spoken to some of his team-mates and I wanted him to know that I am there if he needs me,’ he says.
‘I have got the utmost respect for Harry as a player and more so as a human being for how he dealt with his loss. I’m sure he was there for his family, but I also hope someone was there for him.’
Livermore is now in the process of setting up his own charity and, as we sit in the dugout on a sunny afternoon at Hull’s KC Stadium, he invariably brings the conversation back to his desire to help others. His own crutch arrived in the form of his dad, Kevin. ‘He was my rock. Since I was a boy, no matter how big you get, you always look up to your dad if he’s the right role model,’ he says.
‘He’s been there for me. As much as my career had potentially gone down the drain and I’d let everyone down, my main worry was to lose the support of my mum and dad.
‘My dad was a major part of me pulling through this and made me realise that one mistake does not make you a bad person.
‘you can’t forget all the good things you’ve done and all the happy times you have brought each other.’
Happier times are where Livermore finds himself today.
His partner gave birth to a baby boy, Jayce, earlier this year and his son joined him on the pitch following Hull’s final game of the season.
Livermore was inundated with messages of congratulations and well wishes on social media. ‘That restored my faith in humanity,’ he says. ‘you’d be surprised how much a little moment like that can lift you.
‘That will never leave me, that feeling of taking him from the tunnel and walking him around the pitch. That’s a moment I will never forget, but it is one I should have had two years earlier.’
It was two years ago that Hull were beaten 3-2 by Arsenal in the FA Cup final.
Events of the following day make it painful to look back.
‘That was a happy time. The baby was due a day later. It’s difficult,’ he says.
‘But I’m hoping Wembley can be magical, it has the power to do that. I’m hoping I can come full circle — from feeling guilty and to blame for failing to keep my team-mates and myself in the Premier League to having my setback and then coming back to help us win promotion.
‘That’s been my dream since my first training session back. I wanted to make sure this club and everyone who supported me gets back in the Premier League.
‘I’ve got 50 friends and family coming to the game — it’s nice we can all come together for a good day rather than a sad day. I’m in a happy place now.’
‘I’m hoping Wembley can be magical. It has the power to do that...’