MARINADE MADNESS
Bourbon & pineapple ribs. Sour cherry steaks. The shops are full of VERY exotic barbecue treats. But are any finger lickin’ good?
THE adventurer Bear Grylls claims he’s never happier than when the sun’s out, he has a fire going, and ‘a nice snake on the barbecue’. Bear’s grill is not a vision of contentment many of us share. But this Bank Holiday weekend the supermarkets are certainly trying to get us all to be more adventurous.
They’re not yet offering us python kebabs, thank goodness, but if you reach the autumn without the distinctive whiff of a smoky paprika marinade rising from your back garden, then you really haven’t been trawling the aisles.
Suddenly, culinary exotica is everywhere. The plain old banger has gone up in smoke. The future tastes of chipotle.
But what is this stuff really like to eat? I chucked on the charcoal, twanged my tongs, and got grilling, not to mention baking and pan-frying . . .
RAW SQUID WITH A SMOKY PAPRIKA MARINADE
(Morrisons, Signature Range, £3) Middling. There used to be something outre about squid, but it is very workaday now. Still, the small print specifies ‘ Pacific squid’ which is a step in the right (westerly) direction. TASTE: There isn’t one. I have a vague sensation of chewy matter in my mouth, but it never qualifies as a taste. The marinade adds nothing. There is no evidence of smoke. Or paprika for that matter. VERDICT: This was the most remarkable food I tried, in the sense that it tasted like the result of a laboratory experiment to create less than no flavour. 2/10
BOURBON & PINEAPPLE BACON BELLY RIB
(Asda, Butcher’s Selection, £3.60) EXOTIC APPEAL: Bourbon and pineapple sounds like something a gauche 19-yearold might order in a pub to try to impress. The ‘bourbon’ bit is obviously meant to add a dash of Americana, but the ‘ and pineapple’ is a mistake. Gammon with pineapple is a relic of the Seventies, the decade that good food forgot. TASTE: Not great, but not bad. The flavour of smoky bacon predominates, and the texture is a too fibrous, but at least you get the sense that a quality controller has met this dish somewhere along the production line. VERDICT: Like so much of this food, I was left with the conviction that I could have done it better myself. The marinade comes in a sachet, which is like a bride arriving on a bicycle. Any marinade worth its salt, and garlic, should be prepared at home. 4/10
QUINOA & TURMERIC POTATO WEDGES
(M&S, BBQ Grill range, £3.75) EXOTIC APPEAL: Quinoa, a grain pronounced ‘keen-wah’, has been around for a while now, certainly in my house, my 22- yearold daughter Elly having brought it back, like Sir Walter Raleigh and the humble potato, from faraway lands. Well, South London. But it still has some exotic credibility, and turmeric always gives a whiff of adventure. TASTE: Unremarkable. But there’s an ‘Ancho Chilli Mayonnaise’ (ancho chillis are dried chilli peppers from Mexico) which lends a welcome bit of spice, though I can think of 50 things I’d rather do with it than plonk potato wedges into it. VERDICT: The problem here is the look. The encrusted quinoa seeds have the alarming effect of making the wedges look diseased. If this was human rather than potato skin, you’d call a dermatologist. Also, what’s the point of slapping quinoa, with all its health benefits, on a potato wedge? It’s like having a side of spinach with a chip buttie. 4/10
PULLED BRISKET BURGER & BOURBON
(Morrisons, The Best range, £3)
EXOTIC APPEAL: Here’s that word bourbon again, teasing us into thinking we’re closer to Tennessee than Teddington. ‘Pulled’ is another word of the moment. Pulled pork, pulled brisket . . . it’s only a matter of time before we’re offered pulled mussels. TASTE: This is a standard, unexciting supermarket beef burger. The sachet of sauce does add a semblance of barbecue flavour, although there’s no identifiable taste of bourbon and the brisket is shredded into oblivion. VERDICT: OK, but the burger is nighon impossible to eat without looking like you’ve been pushed face down into a vat of something brown. Maybe that’s the point. 6/10
NEW ORLEANS CAJUN HADDOCK GOUJONS
(M&S, Spirit of Summer range, £4.50) EXOTIC APPEAL: It might just be me, but I don’t think New Orleans belongs on the same label as the word ‘haddock’. New Orleans is jazz and gumbo and Mardi Gras. Not haddock. But bless them for trying. TASTE: On their own, irredeemably bland. But they come with a ‘remoulade dip’, which is 30 per cent too vinegary but at least adds flavour. If I were pedantic, I might point out that a remoulade is already a dip, making a remoulade dip a ‘dip dip’. VERDICT: Again, the problem here is one of aesthetics. Perhaps for seaside authenticity these look like they’ve been coated in sand. 4/10
NEW ZEALAND VENISON STEAK
(Waitrose, £4.59) EXOTIC APPEAL: The supermarkets clearly believe we are suckers for distant place names. Personally, I’d rather eat Scottish venison. The only deer I want flying across the world on my account is Rudolph of red nose fame. TASTE: Tender, and properly gamey, but massively under-seasoned. And the sour cherry butter it comes with, really more of a sauce, is far too tart. VERDICT: Pleasant enough, with the addition of salt. 7/10
SALMON BURGER WITH TOMATO & CHIPOTLE
(Morrisons, £2) EXOTIC APPEAL: Like the dreaded ‘school prom’, chipotle is worming its way into our language from the U.S. It’s a smoke- dried jalapeno pepper and it’s colonising bars, bistros and now supermarkets. But it does still sound foreign and therefore exotic. It rhymes with ‘hotly’, not ‘bottle’. TASTE: The burger, in truth more of a fishcake flattened to the shape of an ice-hockey puck, is massively under-seasoned. But it does smack identifiably of fish. The relish tastes thoroughly processed. VERDICT: Not inedible. 5/10
CHILLOUMI CHEESE KEBABS
(M&S, Spirit of Summer range, £4) EXOTIC APPEAL: Reasonable. Halloumi is a Cypriot cheese with an unusually high melting-point, meaning it’s good for frying. That’s funky enough for British barbecues, but this is flavoured with chilli, which is even funkier.
TASTE: Surprisingly good — this goes down well with the whole family.
VERDICT: It grills nicely on the barbie, and has the proper squeak of a good halloumi. 9/10
MAPLE BBQ KING PRAWNS
(Sainsbury’s, £3)
EXOTIC APPEAL: ‘Maple’ is another of those words intended to evoke the great North American outdoors. The ‘country of origin’ small print sounds more interesting, but maybe ‘Belize-farmed prawns’ wouldn’t sell.
TASTE: There really isn’t much of one, though what little I find is at least modestly prawny.
VERDICT: These prawns have already been anointed with a ‘ maple BBQ marinade’, and cooked. But nowhere near a barbecue, I’d wager. 4/10
PERUVIAN SCALLOPS & CHIPOTLE BUTTER
(Waitrose, £6.99) EXOTIC APPEAL: Britain’s waters are full of scallops, so heaven knows why these need to be sent from Peru. TASTE: They give every impression that they’ve never been near the sea even on their holidays. You might as well add chipotle butter to rubber. VERDICT: Scallops are inoffensive little critters, but that doesn’t mean they have to be entirely devoid of personality. These have no place on any self-respecting summer table. 3/10
PIGGY IN THE MIDDLE PORK & STEAK BURGER
(Waitrose, £4) EXOTIC APPEAL: Piggy in the middle is a silly name, especially for a burger. But credit where it’s due, there’s novelty value in packing beef around pork. TASTE: Pretty good. There’s an appealing softness to them, even after five minutes on the barbecue, and just the right ratio of spicy heat. VERDICT: For anyone who likes a dash of meat with their meat. 8/10
MAPLE & CHIPOTLE BRITISH PORK BELLY
(Sainsbury’s, £4) EXOTIC APPEAL: Talk about having your pork belly and eating it — Sainsbury’s have slapped foreign words like ‘ chipotle’ on the label, while trying to appeal to the patriot in us by adding ‘British’. TASTE: There’s a bit of heat to these, but not too much. Slight charring on the barbie adds to the flavour. VERDICT: I might even buy these again, which isn’t true of much on this list. Indeed, for all their efforts, I would conclude that the supermarkets haven’t cracked this exotic eating lark. Use them to buy your charcoal, and then do the marinating yourself, that’s my advice. There’s no cachet in a sachet. 6/10