I’m 53, divorced and moving back to my parents’ house
NOVELIST, grandmother of four and ex-Blue Peter presenter Janet ellis, 60, answers your questions...
QI’VE just split from my husband of 27 years at 53. Nothing disastrous happened in our marriage, it just reached the point where we were making each other so miserable — arguing constantly, for example — that the benefit of companionship just wasn’t worth it any more.
We are going through the divorce process and dividing assets, but the future, financially, isn’t looking particularly stable. Renting doesn’t seem like a sustainable option and buying property in my area is incredibly expensive.
I think my only option is to move back in with my parents, both in their 70s. I’m close to them, but is this really practical? I’d be terribly embarrassed to be moving in with my parents at my age and I can’t imagine how the dynamic would work! Do you have any advice?
AYOu’ve only just left a long marriage. However bumpy your relationship, it was familiar and you’re sailing into uncharted waters now. But your experience will have taught you a great deal — both about the things you’ll be looking for next and, crucially, what to avoid. At 53, you’ve got years left to explore and enjoy life — well done for taking this first, brave step.
I presume you’ve done your homework carefully and aren’t just putting up barriers to renting or buying locally.
The idea of moving — and moving on — will be scary, however rational the decision, so do make sure your sums add up. for the time being, it makes sense to stay in an area you know and like and if you can’t afford it by yourself, and your folks happen to have a house big enough to accommodate you, going home seems an excellent solution.
Assuming that moving back in with your parents is something they’re comfortable with (and if you haven’t already discussed it with them, start now!), then all of you need to work out what you’ll gain (like company and support), and be honest about what you’ll stand to lose (privacy and freedom of choice, for example), before you make a decision. You’re all giving up a very established way of life and there will have to be compromise on both sides. Your parents will probably have lots of little habits and rituals you can ignore on visits home, but may drive you mad when you live with them. Likewise, you’ll have your possibly annoying ways of doing things and they’ll have to make room for some of that, too. Talking it over in advance and ensuring you will respect each other’s space will help pave the way to peaceful coexistence. You should also be clear about your financial contribution — decide together at the outset exactly what you’ll contribute to or pay for. It’ll be harder to complain about domestic routines and raise the thorny subject of cash later on. Don’t be embarrassed. These days it’s a rare parent who doesn’t have a child back to stay at some point. It’s an economic necessity for plenty of families. There’s no age limit! It’ll be tempting to revert to the way you behaved when you were last living with your parents (it seems to happen to all of us when we go home), but remember: you probably weren’t at your most considerate back then. Don’t make your parents feel this was a grudging last resort, instead of a thoughtful choice. But it’s fine to say it might not be permanent. You must also give yourself time to get over the demise of your marriage. If you do move back in, you’ll be in the centre of a close and loving family and that will supply the companionship you value and the healing you need. If you have a question for Janet, please email it to janetellis@dailymail.co.uk.