Eh-oh! Now Dipsy says vote Leave . . .
THE REFERENDUM DEBATE: THE COMING WEEKS (PART 1)
DAY 1: A leading Brexit campaigner quotes figures showing that sales of socks will tail off if Britain remains in the EU, spelling disaster for British sock manufacturers.
‘Horrifying though it is to ordinary Britons, sandals worn without any socks whatsoever are the norm all over Europe,’ says John Redwood MP in a major speech at Umbrage village hall. ‘ And draconian EU legislation to ban the wearing of socks with sandals will bring misery to countless millions.’ DAY 2: Chancellor George Osborne hits back at Redwood’s warning of ‘ Sockageddon’ by releasing Treasury figures showing that sales of socks will soar after a new EU ruling.
‘Recent European guidelines advise children and senior citizens to wear socks whenever they find their feet growing chilly in the winter. This comes as a real shot in the arm for UK sock exporters,’ he declares in a major speech to a small but influential group of East Midlands sock-wearers.
Meanwhile, a new poll reveals that the great EU debate is having an unprecedented effect on British families, with up to 64 per cent of all family members either ‘feeling drowsy’ or ‘ nodding off’ within two and a half minutes of any mention of the words ‘ remain’ or ‘leave’. DAY 3: Former London Mayor Boris Johnson wades into the Great Sock Debate.
‘Mussolini wore socks,’ he says as he puffs his way round a Brexit Fancy Dress Fun- Run dressed as a banana, alongside former Chancellor Norman Lamont, who has come as a leprechaun. DAY 4: At an emergency conference under the banner of ‘Snug as a Bug: A Vision for Socks’ at the London School of Economics, historian and Labour MP Tristram Hunt counters Boris. He argues that Mussolini wore socks ‘ only when he wasn’t sleeping’, while Winston Churchill led Britain in thick woollen socks 24 hours a day.
On the BBC’s Six O’Clock News, a reporter questions four passersby outside a supermarket in Drabness, asking their views on the export of kitchen fittings to the Far East, bearing in mind the current EU ruling PX10946, subsection 5b.
‘I wouldn’t like to say, one way or the other,’ says Daphne, 46. ‘Nor me,’ agrees Jeff, 32. ‘And now it’s back to you in the studio,’ says the reporter. DAY 5: A leading pollster reveals that, after listening to both sides of the argument, 65 per cent of the British people are ‘still unclear’ about how socks will be affected by a vote to leave or to stay, while the remaining 35 per cent are ‘extremely unclear’.
‘These figures tell us that the great British public has not fallen for the thoroughly disgraceful anti- sock propaganda put out by the Brexit campaign,’ concludes Remain campaigner Lord Heseltine.
‘On the contrary,’ argues leading Brexiteer Chris Grayling, ‘ It’s a triumph for common sense — and a victory for socks and their wearers.’ DAY 6: The Remain camp leaks a photograph of Chris Grayling hypocritically wearing no socks. It is believed to have been taken on an undisclosed beach last summer by a person or persons unknown.
A clearly embarrassed Grayling releases a statement through his lawyer. ‘This is an unwarranted invasion of my privacy. I plan to have a few days off to consider my future. My wife and family are standing by me. I would ask the media to respect our privacy at this difficult time.’ In headline news, former Spice Girl Geri Halliwell reveals that she is ‘still undecided’ as to which way she will vote in the Referendum, while the four former Teletubbies are split down the middle, with Laa-Laa and Dipsy in the Leave camp and Po and Tinky Winky firmly with Remain. DAY 7: On Radio 4’s Any Questions, junior Transport Minister Sue Dreary claims that a Leave vote could mean that ‘ anything up to 27 million commuters’ forced to roller- skate to work, unable to afford any petrol. She further estimates that, as a result, ‘our NHS will no way be able to cope with the consequent 95 per cent rise in broken ankles’.
But tough-talking UKIP Shadow Chancellor Ken Sausage is having none of it. ‘Figures prove that every household in the country will be at least two million quid better off once we’ve ditched Europe,’ he declares. ‘ Rising to three million quid, for households with a conservatory.’
Former London Mayor Boris Johnson claims that William Shakespeare would vote Leave, and so would Jane Austen. ‘There’s no reference in any of their works that shows they supported a Common Agricultural Policy,’ he says. ‘End of Argument.’ To be continued...