So what time CAN you have that first drink?
Concluding his brilliant series with an A-Z of modern manners, GYLES BRANDRETH answers that perennial question . . .
AFTER revealing his golden rules for throwing the perfect wedding yesterday, in the final part of his wickedly entertaining series, GYLES BRANDRETH lists the A to Z of etiquette, from switching seats on a plane to bidding your loved one a fond goodnight... A is for Aeroplanes
recline your seat only on a long-haul flight and warn the person behind you before you do it. Don’t let your toddler incessantly kick the table/chair in front of them.
it is perfectly acceptable to ask a fellow passenger if they wouldn’t mind switching seats with you so that you can sit beside your travelling companion. it is also acceptable for that person to politely say no.
B is for Belching
countries and cultures in which belching and burping at the table is considered a compliment: saudi Arabia, Bahrain, certain regions of turkey, china and india. countries and cultures where it’s not: everywhere else.
C is for Class
‘i’ve changed,’ said John Prescott. ‘i no longer keep coal in the bath. i keep it in the bidet.’ We are all middle class now — except for the aristocracy and the royal Family. they are still upper class and they like you to understand their order of precedence. it goes like this:
Her Majesty The Queen
CALL her ‘Your Majesty’ when you first address her; call her ‘Ma’am’ after that (to rhyme with ‘ham’ not ‘harm’); when chatting to the Queen substitute the words ‘Your Majesty’ for the word ‘you’. And let her lead the conversation. And if she does not seem very chatty, don’t worry. Whatever you do, don’t try too hard.
i recall a conversation with the Queen where i began to babble. At one point i heard myself saying ‘My wife is a vegetarian’, to which Her Majesty responded: ‘that must be very dull.’
i added: ‘My daughter’s a vegetarian, too.’ ‘oh dear,’ said the Queen. And that was that.
Royal princes and princesses
CALL them ‘Your royal highness’ to begin with and then ‘sir’ or ‘Ma’am’. With royalty, you bow or curtsey when you meet them and when you take your leave. the bow is just a nod of the head and the curtsey is a straight bob down halfway to the ground and up again. With the senior royals it’s a must; with the junior royals it’s less important.
Other titled persons
Dukes and Duchesses. call them ‘Your Grace’. Marquises and Marchionesses. call them ‘My lord’ and ‘My lady’. Earls and Countesses. call them ‘My lord’ and ‘My lady’. Viscounts and Viscountesses. call them ‘My lord’ and ‘My lady’. Barons and Baronesses. call them ‘My lord’ and ‘My lady’.
Knights and their wives. call them ‘sir Michael’ and ‘lady caine’.
Dames and their husbands. call them ‘Dame Joan’ and ‘Mr Gibson’.
none of it is important, of course. it is an elaborate social game, but i like it because it is part of our heritage and when i play a game i am happy to play by the rules.
D is for Doors
HOW did something as simple as holding the door open become a minefield of sexual politics? You try to be well-mannered and end up accused of being a patronising dinosaur.
Here is the Brandreth rule on doors: whoever reaches the door first should hold it open for the person following, regardless of gender. the person following should accept graciously and give a quick thank you.
Also, when someone is leaving your home, you should walk them to the door, even if they protest that it isn’t necessary.
When the Queen visited her mother and the time came for the Queen to go home, the Queen Mother insisted on going to the front door to see her daughter off. even at the age of 101.
E is for Elbows
it MAY surprise you to know that elbows on the table are perfectly acceptable as long you’re not holding a knife and fork.
F is for Funerals
FUNERALS and memorial services are usually open to all. A formal invitation is not necessary or expected. that said, use your discretion: the ex-wife may be welcome, especially if there are children involved, but the mistress seldom is.
like a wedding, the front rows are normally the preserve of close family, extended family behind, close friends then acquaintances towards the rear of the church. At the end, the family leaves first and the rest of the mourners follow after them row by row.
G is for Greeting Cards
Gone are the days when the number of birthday cards that fell on the doormat was a barometer of popularity. now you mainly receive messages on your Facebook wall.
nevertheless, it is still a true friend who remembers days in advance to send a card at the appropriate time so it arrives on the appropriate date.
As well as sending greetings on a birthday, the well-mannered friend also sends a special card to mark some of life’s big events, such as the birth of a baby, an engagement, a wedding, a christening or graduation.
H is for Hats
on in the royal enclosure. OFF during the national Anthem. on at a christening, funeral or a wedding but . . . OFF in the church, if you are a man. on when you are outside. OFF inside, unless you are woman and your hat is part of your outfit. on in the street but . . . OFF when a funeral cortege passes by. on when on public transport or in public spaces. OFF at the theatre, cinema, opera, ballet or anywhere you could be blocking someone’s view.
I is for ‘It’s six o’clock somewhere’
THE only day in the year when it is socially acceptable to drink at breakfast is christmas Day, when in certain circles it is practically obligatory.
if you are out for brunch, a Bloody Mary or a Buck’s Fizz can respectably be ordered before noon. A martini cannot.
Wine or beer at lunchtime is fine, as long as it is drunk with a meal. on holiday, you may have your first drink at midday if you wish, but pace yourself: there’s nothing well-mannered about a boozy Brit stumbling over the sun loungers mid-afternoon.
evening drinks: six o’clock is the witching hour.
J is for Jokes
WHEN i started out as a professional public speaker 40 years ago, sexist and racist jokes were commonplace.
i shared a stage with Bernard Manning, who was very funny (and rather nice), but his material was appalling. i also shared a platform with a lovely black comedian called charlie Williams whose act included lots of self- deprecating jokes that were positively racist.
‘if you don’t laugh,’ he’d say, ‘i’ll move in next to you.’
everyone roared. that was then. Happily, this is now. And political correctness means that racist and sexist humour is now wholly, and rightly, unacceptable. Jokes at the expense of fat people are taboo now, too.
oddly, ageist humour is tolerated. My friend nicholas Parsons is 92 and we panellists on Just A Minute regularly make fun of his maturity. i suppose if he weren’t completely on top of his game we wouldn’t.
K is for Kith and Kin
SOME people behave very well with strangers and with those they perceive to be their social superiors, but not so well with their own families.
that is a very strange way of going about things. Good manners start at home, and you should use your best manners towards those who matter to you most.
L is for Lipstick
WHAT is and isn’t acceptable when it comes to making up in public? Well, i have sat at table with the Queen (in a public place) where she openly reapplied her lipstick . . . so re-applying a little lipstick or powder once at the table is acceptable in my book.
if Her Majesty is doing it, who are we to argue? repeated applications look a little vulgar. And if more repair work is required, it’s better to excuse yourself to freshen up. (in the royal programme for the Queen when she is out on a visit, her comfort breaks are listed as ‘opportunity to tidy’.)
M is for ‘More tea, vicar?’
THE correct etiquette for serving tea is as follows: use loose leaf tea, not tea bags. Hold the cup and saucer in one hand when pouring and the pot in the other. Don’t pick up the cup separately.
Milk goes in second. lemon as an alternative is a nice touch. A pot of hot water should be served alongside.
tea should be stirred back and
forth, not in a circular motion. Place the cup back on the saucer between sips. Don’t stick your pinkie out. Don’t cradle your cup in your hands. Don’t dunk.
N is for Neighbours
‘Love thy neighbour as thyself’ is seriously good advice. You can drop your friends, but you can’t change your neighbours without moving, so if you want friendly, helpful, considerate neighbours the only thing to do is be one yourself.
O is for Offering up your seat on public transport
Is THAT woman pregnant or just a bit tubby? If I stand for an older gentleman will he feel I am saying he is weaker/older/over the hill? Likewise, if a younger lady offers a seat to an older lady, could it be seen as insulting?
If you are in a quandary, you can always subtly vacate the seat so they can take it without losing face. Another option is to offer them the seat, but couch it with ‘I’m getting off in a moment anyway’ so it seems as though it’s no bother.
P is for Pudding not Sweet
IT’s riding, not horse riding. IT’s black tie or dinner jacket, not dinner suit. IT’s ill or unwell, not sick, if you are in bed; it’s sick if you’re at sea. IT’s false teeth and spectacles, not dentures and glasses. IT’s die rather than pass away. IT’s sofa, not couch or settee. IT’s drawing room or sitting room, not lounge. IT’s lunch at lunchtime and dinner or supper in the evening. It’s ‘What?’ rather than ‘Pardon?’
And, whatever you may think of any of the above, it’s definitely napkin not serviette.
Q is for Queuing
WITH the traditional British queue, everyone stands in line, facing forward, almost to attention, and in silence. That’s the kind of queuing I understand and like because, with it, you know where you are.
Idle conversation is ‘ bad form’. Queue-jumping is very bad form. If you find you have queue-jumped by mistake, apologise and move imme- diately to the back of the queue, looking suitably chastened.
If you see someone else queuejumping, intervene at once and pleasantly point out where they will find the back of the queue.
(I remember a party at the U.s. ambassador’s residence where Tory grandee Michael Heseltine, then Deputy Prime Minister, marched boldly to the front of the queue, only to be told by the ambassador: ‘Back of the line, Michael. We’re Americans. We call it democracy.’)
R is for Rudeness
THE well-mannered person is never rude and always calm. Whatever the provocation, follow Noel Coward’s advice: ‘Rise above it. Nothing annoys them more.’
S is for Standing up
STANDING up when a lady leaves the room or gets up from the table is another of the customs that my father took for granted, but has now all but disappeared.
That’s a pity, and I would say that, regardless of gender, when someone enters the room it is good manners to stand up to greet them. It says they are worth the effort of getting up for. If you remain seated it, it appears you can’t be bothered — and forces the other person to cross the room and bend down to greet you, which can be construed as a power play.
It is also good manners to stand to say goodbye to whoever is leaving. This standing up business does seem old-fashioned, but people like it. one of my favourite actors, Peter Bowles, was sitting on the sofa as a guest on BBC1’s The one show.
A lady arrived to join him on the sofa and Peter got up — forgetting he had a microphone attached to him — and inadvertently disconnected the sound and knocked over lights and microphone stands. everyone was completely charmed.
T is for Tipping
IN JAPAN, China and Iceland, they do not believe in tipping. In Albania and the U.s., tipping is essential. In France and Italy, tipping in restaurants is an optional extra. In Mexico and Uganda, you are well advised to tip the police when they stop your car to check your driving licence.
Different countries do tipping in different ways and the only way to find your way through the minefield is to get a local to advise you.
In the UK, oldies like me still tip taxi drivers; youngsters don’t. My advice is simple: if a service charge does not feature on the bill and the service was good, leave a tip. Ten per cent will do.
U is for Umbrellas
WHEN walking down the street with an open umbrella, pay attention and adjust your umbrella — lifting or tilting as appropriate — to avoid a clash of brollies.
When you get on to public transport with a dripping-wet umbrella, close it as firmly as possible so it isn’t causing an obstruction and place it by your feet, not on the seat next to you. When going into shops and restaurants, put it in the stand provided rather than leaving a trail of water behind you.
The Queen always carries her own umbrella. It may appear gallant to hold an umbrella over a lady, but inevitably it leads to a trickle of cold water going down her back.
If circumstances force umbrella-sharing, then the taller person should hold the umbrella and walk at the pace of the smaller person.
V is for Vaping
THE etiquette of vaping — that is, smoking e-cigarettes — is still being established. Many restaurants and bars have a ‘no vaping inside’ policy, and it is frowned upon on public transport, though acceptable on the platform. It isn’t good manners to vape at the cinema or theatre or anywhere the vapour could be a distraction.
In someone’s home, it is acceptable to ask if you can ‘vape’ given the vapour doesn’t smell or cause damage to the furnishings, but don’t be offended if the answer is still no.
smoking in people’s homes is no longer permissible, but you can ask if you may smoke in the garden or on the balcony.
My wife and I were good friends with the actor Kenneth Williams, an inveterate smoker. When our children were small, we asked Kenneth not to smoke in the house — and we fell out with him over it.
W is for Walking and Talking
IT Is an old-fashioned courtesy for the man to walk on the outside of the pavement to protect the lady from the noise, dirt and danger of the traffic, as well as the potential of being splashed by water as the horse-and- carriage/volvo comes thundering by.
It is a courtesy not much adhered to these days and not much offence will be taken if you fail to do so. In fact, most people won’t even notice. But I still do it.
When you are walking along the street alone, do not have your nose buried in your iPhone. If you do, you risk bumping into a lamp post or a fellow pedestrian. And if you insist on talking on your phone at the top of your voice in the street you may find that I am about to kill you.
X is for X, the electronic kiss
IT Is acceptable to sign off a text or email to a friend or family member with a kiss (x) or even two (xx), but only if it is someone you would kiss if you met them.
It is never acceptable to sign off with an X when writing to someone you have not met or in a professional or work situation. Young people do it all the time. They should not.
Y is for You’re never too young
THERE are few things more unattractive than a squawking, indulged, undisciplined, obstreperous child. If you want to help your child to lead a good life, teach them good manners from the get-go.
Z is for Zzzz . . . bedtime manners
FROM dawn to dusk, manners matter. They matter all the time and they matter everywhere — at work, at play, at home. I reckon they matter most within a marriage.
If you want to make yours work, mind your manners. And, in my book, nowhere do they matter more than in the bedroom.
Head to bed at the same time, if you can. Turn out the bedside lights together. And always say ‘goodnight’ with a goodnight kiss.
goodnight.