Fake eyelashes and nails ... that won’t win MasterChef, Sinitta!
According to Sinitta, pop princess and professional exgirlfriend of Simon cowell, her family rate her as an excellent cook. it was a piece of information that made me very concerned for the wellbeing of Sinitta’s children. Why? Because in the first episode of the new series of Celebrity MasterChef (BBc1) she served squid that hadn’t been gutted, meat that hadn’t been cooked and she couldn’t tell the difference between butter and cheese.
But at least viewers had heard of Sinitta. The same couldn’t be said of fellow contestant Marcus Butler, who described himself as a vlogger. don’t worry, the judges didn’t know what that was either. ‘i must be getting old,’ said gregg Wallace, ‘but what’s a vlogger?’
As Marcus informed us, he basically just makes videos of his life.
Also in the Masterchef kitchen were comedian Tommy cannon and actor and TV hustler Alexis conran. Then there was donna Air, billed as an ‘actor and TV presenter’. She may be originally from Wallsend in newcastle but donna, girlfriend of James Middleton, has gone all posh.
‘Yah, yah, absolutely,’ she said to every comment made by the judges John Torode and gregg Wallace.
For the first challenge the contestants were given a bag of ingredients and told to make something. ‘We’re not expecting great cuisine,’ said gregg. His expectations were met.
Tommy served up burnt mince, Sinitta served up raw mince, Alexis did moussaka but without tomatoes or a white sauce, while Marcus forgot that aubergines needed to be cooked. As for donna, she went top of the class with her dips, filo pastry pie and fig and pistachio yogurt.
The teams were then sent to work in professional kitchens where most of them coped admirably, with the exception of Sinitta, who looked in danger of dishing up her roast cod with a side order of false eyelashes and fake nails.
For their final challenge, the amateurs were given two hours to cook anything they liked. donna’s mackerel with pickled beetroot went down a storm. Alas, she was a little too ambitious with her pudding and her panna cotta didn’t set yah.
Sinitta cooked a ‘spinach burger mousse’ that looked as revolting as it sounded. ‘The meat and pastry aren’t cooked and that’s not great for a meat and pastry-based dish,’ gregg told a confused- looking Sinitta. They went away to consider their verdict but there really was no need. Sinitta was a goner.
Just like jam roly-poly and custard, there is something wonderfully comforting and delicious about celebrity Masterchef, although viewers will find themselves saying ‘who?’ many more times to come as the contestants are unveiled.
The challenges faced by American lawyer Steven Wise were far trickier than cooking a bit of mince. (BBc4) followed Steven’s weird and fascinating journey as he took on the American legal system in his fight to have animals recognised as people.
describing himself as a ‘ nonhuman rights lawyer’, Steven was battling to free chimps being held in shocking conditions at zoos and in laboratories throughout new York State.
His argument was centred on the fact that under the law such non-human things as corporations, ships, states and rivers had been recognised as ‘people’, so why not animals?
At first it was easy to dismiss him as an idealistic eccentric. But when we saw footage of Merlin, a chimpanzee being kept in a tiny cage, it was impossible not to feel admiration for Steven’s work.
Having lost his mate, Merlin was clearly depressed and had taken to punching himself in the face in anger and frustration.
in the end Steven lost his case at the Supreme court, but all the publicity surrounding his battle shamed many of those holding the monkeys captive into releasing them anyway.
The outcome may have been inevitable but it didn’t make the documentary any less compelling — in fact, many a human would be lucky to have a lawyer as dedicated as Steven in their corner.
Christopher stevens is away.