I fear I’ll never see my granddaughter
DEAR BEL I’M AT my wits’ end, having found out I have a sixyear-old granddaughter.
My son looked for his ex-girlfriend on Facebook and saw pictures of her with her daughter. He showed me and my heart sank, she was so like him.
The two-year relationship ended acrimoniously and I know he was hurt.
After it finished, she told him she was pregnant with his baby. He didn’t believe it was his, as she had been seeing someone else, and when asked for proof she didn’t give any. Then she left her job and the town and moved back to her home in the North.
They’ve spoken on the phone and texted and he’s seen his daughter twice. It was going to be on a regular basis: they made arrangements, but now his ex keeps changing her mind and not replying to his texts.
His beautiful little girl turned seven on July 20 and they’d planned to go to Blackpool, but it didn’t happen. My son is hurting deeply, though he tries not to show it. I can see it in his eyes.
I am desperate to see my granddaughter, feel very worried it will never happen and don’t know what to say or do to help.
I’m getting depressed and not sleeping. I don’t know if I have any rights as a grandmother, though I wouldn’t dream of doing anything yet.
I know it’s still early days, but he hasn’t seen his daughter for two months and is desperate to try to make up for lost time.
He says he will never give up, sends money for her birthday and said he will help in any way financially, even set up a direct debit.
I’m sure his ex is still angry he didn’t believe her. Maybe she wants him to suffer. Any advice?
YVONNE
MANY times have I heard from grandparents devastated because they are no longer able to see adored grandchildren, even when they’ve played a large part in childcare.
As a grandmother myself, I always find such letters utterly heartbreaking. I fear the law is no help (to find out more, see thefamilylawco. co. uk/ information/ whatare-grandparents- rights).
National Family Mediation also has an informative leaflet to download ( nfm. org. uk/help-me-im/a-grandparent).
For broader support, Grandparents Plus ( grandparents plus.org.uk) is a charity that champions the vital role of grandparents in children’s lives — especially when family circumstances are bad or they have lost contact with children.
Tuck that information away, although (as you acknowledge) at this point it’s premature to think of anything other than supporting your son. he sounds like the kind of man who doesn’t give much away, but you do need to encourage him to share his feelings.
Reading between the lines, it sounds as if his relationship with his ex ended when she was unfaithful and he was hurt. No man will judge him for doubting the child was his — although now he is writhing in anguish because he could have played the situation differently.
I feel sorry for him and for you, forced to carry the double burden of witnessing his pain while feeling your own.
It’s certainly useful to consider what might be going on in his ex’s mind. Seven years on, she may well harbour bitterness — yet she has to realise that her little girl is far more important than anything else.
If your son is keen to be a responsible father in providing financial support and a loving dad in wanting regular contact, then frankly she would be mad not to allow this to happen. As well as wrong.
The only way forward is for him to convince her that he has the little girl’s interests at heart and wants to be friends with her mother. he needs to achieve this by talking on the phone and emailing (not texting — texts are a ridiculous way for humans to have any sort of conversation) as much as possible, always controlling his feelings.
he cannot afford to let anger or offended pride show — not even sadness and need, because if she does indeed ‘ want him to suffer’, she will like that. he must be matter-of-fact: calm, pleasant, fair — and reassuring.
he could point out that if they come to an arrangement about regular access, it will give his ex more freedom. It could be helpful for them to sit down and discuss what went wrong with their relationship.
You’ll notice I’m not suggesting he seek legal advice at this time. That’s because it’s vital the ex is kept ‘sweet’ and not challenged — at least, not yet. I repeat, he has to keep his ‘desperate’ feelings in check for the sake of the greater good.
I’d love to know whether she is in a relationship now, because that could be influencing her decisions. We also don’t know what her family members are saying, especially if (perhaps) she didn’t tell them the truth about the break-up.
You may feel cheated that I haven’t addressed your own feelings of anxiety and sadness.
It’s not that I don’t sympathise, it’s just that right now you have to be strong in order to support your son. I’d go to see your GP about the sleep problem, because you are no help to anybody if you’re exhausted.
And if I were you, I would visualise a future in which this is sorted out and the child is a part of your life. Faith and determined optimism can be very powerful.