The art of being a slummy mummy!

Tiger mums be damned. As a slew of new books celebrates being an imperfect parent, shambolic mum-of-four SHONA SIBARY gives her (sauvignon-soaked) guide to...

Surely that big dollop of tomato ketchup counts.

Sometimes, when I’ve had a really bad day, my kids get breakfast for dinner. This involves offering them cereal, toast or — if they’re really lucky — a Pop Tart. It’s never killed them and it frees up an extra hour for me to drink more sauvignon.

ENTERTAINMENT? THERE’S ALWAYS A&E

On a rainy Sunday afternoon recently, I took Dolly, seven, to a local trampoline park. It’s one of those hideous places that resembles a padded cell — the only upside being they have a half-decent cafe.

anyhow, she bounced and then landed badly, which necessitated an icepack on her elbow and a reminder from management that I’d signed a damage waiver form.

She’d stopped crying by the time we reached the car and there were no obvious bones protruding, so we

could have gone home. But a whole afternoon still stretched ahead and our outing had been cut short. So we took a detour to have an exciting X-ray!

now, I’m not saying for a moment that I did this to kill a few hours on a wet, boring weekend (honest), but who knows when there might be a hairline crack?

I also happened to remember that the a&E children’s waiting room has magazines, a TV and lots of lovely stimulating toys.

Better still, it was free. What’s not to love about the NHS?

A TIPPLE FOR PARENT TEACHER EVENINGS

SOME (sensible) schools serve tea, coffee and biscuits. my daughter’s school has, thank God, seen the light and realised that the edge can be taken off bad news by offering copious amounts of alcohol.

Well, to be fair, it’s supposed to be one glass per parent, not one glass per teacher appointment, but annie is doing eight GCSEs and it’s all very stressful.

GET OUT OF SCHOOL SPORTS

IN BAD moms, there is a moment when one of the characters — single mum Carla — admits with refreshing honesty that she would ‘rather go to afghanistan’ than watch another school sports fixture.

at last, thank goodness, some- body has admitted something so many mothers have been feeling for years!

But there are ways and means of avoiding this tedious parental duty. Embarrass your children enough and you’ll never get asked again.

I once turned up at a school netball tournament with my daughter’s sports bra and waited until she was just within earshot before yelling: ‘Do you want this now, or shall I hang on to it until half time?’ Job done.

EMBRACE THE TV AS A BABYSITTER

WE all know good nannies are expensive, but I have found the perfect solution. She is stimulating, affordable and occupies my slackjawed offspring each weekday evening, and — hurrah — also reports for duty all weekend.

I am, of course, talking about the TV. It was brought home to me how reliant I have become on my black box babysitter when high winds blew a branch in front of our aerial. as the picture went fuzzy, panic broke out in the living room.

my husband Keith, in utter desperation, grabbed a ladder and balanced it precariously against the trunk of the tree. no matter that there was a force seven gale. Then he climbed, axe in hand, to the top, swaying unsteadily. all I can remember thinking as I watched my husband risk life and limb is this: ‘If he falls, I’m going to have to call out an emergency engineer.’

SWAP MUSIC LESSONS FOR COCKTAIL LESSONS

LET’S be honest here. How many adults do you know who still play the violin? Exactly. It’s an utter waste of money. But teaching your children how to make a decent G&T is a life skill that will see them gain friends and influence people.

In our household, no drink is too great a challenge. Want a French martini? monty, 13, knows exactly how much Chambord it needs.

They all learned how to mix mummy a cocktail before storytime — because I couldn’t face Biff and Chip or any of the ridiculously named Oxford Reading Tree characters without a little assistance.

RECYCLE THEIR HOMEWORK

WHEN you have four children spanning 11 years, you realise how little the educational curriculum actually changes.

For example, my oldest three have all had to make a castle out of papier mache. We have also thrice suffered the project on Tudor Times and made Roman bread (nope, me neither — I got Keith to do it).

am I looking forward to going through this tedious process all over again with Dolly? Don’t be ridiculous. I saw the light third time round and stored everything very

carefully in the understairs cupboard for ‘recycling’.

AND IF ALL ELSE FAILS . . . HIDE!

WANT to check your Instagram or have a quick five minutes on Facebook? Here’s what I do. Initiate a game of Hide and Seek.

‘mummy is going to hide first. Count to 100 — yes 100 — these are my rules not yours. Then come and find me!’

now, move fast. Rush upstairs, grab a double duvet, wrap it around yourself like a cocoon and roll under the bed. lie incredibly still. Breathe. Try to ignore their plaintive pleas to appear. You’ll get at least ten minutes. It works every time.