WHERE DID I GO WRONG?

How a lovelorn Tom Hiddleston might seek advice from the Mail’s Taylor Swift expert JAN MOIR

Dear Jan,

Help! It’s Tom here again. You might remember that I wrote to you in the summer, shortly after I started dating this amazing woman called Taylor.

Back then I was having fun, but I worried that she was taking over my life. What a joke! Because now she has dumped me after three months.

Yes, I’ve been cast aside as if I were a prawn shell, discarded like another luckless lover on the steps of the Taylor Swift Boyfriend Orphanage. Abandon all hope ye saps who enter here! I just have to sit back and wait for the humiliating hit she is going to write about my hideous failings as a human being, just as she did with Jake Gyllenhaal (Red) and John Meyer (Dear John).

Jan, I hate to be so dramatic, but my heart is breaking — along with my possible James Bond contract and my future as a serious AC-TOR. everyone says I have made an utter fool of myself — can this be true?

Do you remember that holiday weekend, she drew her initials on my arm and made me wear a vest that said I love T. S. She said it meant I love The Sea and that everyone in America wore them when they went paddling. No problemo, I said. Where’s the harm?

I did everything she wanted. I went to soppy concerts, I met her parents, I took her to meet my mum in Suffolk. We went on a minibreak to Rome, where I kissed her on the Colosseum. And when I asked her why we were always surrounded by photographers, she just laughed and patted me on the head.

I even posed for selfies and went on a waterslide with her pals. Me! A Shakespearean actor. A Marvel comic supervillain and classics scholar. I started blushing so much about it all that she began calling me her little red Tom-a-To. Oh, how that hurt.

Things started to go wrong when she came with me to Australia — could it have been the wig I wear for the part of baddie loki, an ancient Norse god, I play in The Avengers series of films? Then I asked her to be my date at the emmys, where I have been nominated for an award for The Night Manager. A big deal for me, but she refused.

And then, wham, it was over. She said I was too keen on the limelight and was using her for fame purposes. Well, excuse me. pot. Kettle. Instagram. She says she doesn’t want to be part of a power couple and that we are never, ever, ever getting back together.

I think I want her back, but I don’t know what to do. Where did I go wrong?

Love Tom Dear Tom,

MY DARLING boy. I have been awaiting your letter. I tried to warn you, but you wouldn’t listen. And when I saw you slide down that watery flume of doom in Taylor’s back garden in July with all her shrieking supermodel friends in tow, I knew it was only a matter of time before your final humiliation.

She won’t accompany you to the emmys? That’s harsh. However, Taylor has never walked on a red carpet with a date — and she is certainly not going to start with you because this puts her in the subordinate position of arm candy underling. And Taylor Swift is nobody’s plus One.

Also, remember — she only dates a certain type of man; someone who is hot, handsome and famous, but whose fame must not eclipse or threaten her own. You say she doesn’t want to be part of a power couple? Of course not, because that would mean sharing power — and she is not prepared to do that, either.

Tom, are you absolutely sure you want her back? If so, you’ve got to try harder. look at the state of you! Yes, you’re a single guy, you travel with hand luggage only — but you’ve been wearing the same boring clothes since you met. At least get a new pair of shoes, dude!

She must be sick of you plodding around the world in those grey suede bootees. Do you take them off at night and slip them under her bed, where they steam away like a pair of treacle sponges? No wonder she got fed up. She always made an effort. You should, too. You should play it cool, stop being her errand boy, stand up for yourself now and again!

You could always make her jealous by dating her ‘frenemy’ pop singer rival Katy perry, but that’s a dangerous move — and you don’t seem the type to play games.

perhaps it was just a summer romance, a 90-day PR contract for your mutual benefit? Your profile is certainly higher, but you deserve to be more than an option in a pop star’s life. She’s working out at the gym, there are rumours of a new album — perhaps it’s time to regain your credibility instead of your lost love?

An emmy win will remind the public that you have more to offer than being the much mocked boyfriend of a megastar. One thing is for sure — you are not going to be her Night Manager any more. But take comfort from the fact that while your heart might be broken, your career might be on the mend. And I’m right about the shoes.

Love Jan

Tom slides down the watery so-called ‘flume of doom’ at the July 4 pool party in Taylor’s garden — with a gaggle of shrieking Victoria’s Secrets models behind him. It looks like fun — but is hanging out with party-mad 20-somethings beginning to take...

Two weeks later, on July 17, we are in Australia, where Tom is reprising his role as villainous Loki in the latest Thor movie. Taylor has accompanied him on this trip — and here the dutiful errand boy fetches a takeaway for their dinner. Back to the...

Where it all began! At the Met Gala Ball in New York on May 2, Tom dazzles Taylor in his white tie and tails. Who knew that three short months later his tail would be between his legs?

By June 13, their relationship is already on the rocks — but in a good way! They kiss and five seconds later Tom grins and bares it in the first of a million selfies.

Meanwhile, in New York, a smirking Taylor makes her first public appearance afte after news breaks that their 90-day summer rom romance is over. Her expression suggests a que queenly cat that got the double cream, her sm smile is one of triumph. And...

Ten days later, Tom is holding ring-a-rosie hands with Taylor and a friend after ‘daddancing’ at pop-ette Selena Gomez’s concert in Nashville, Tennessee. Trying too hard to get down with the kidz? Taylor and Tom touch down in London on June 24. He...

Back to Taylor’s Rhode Island home and that infamous Independence Day party on July 4. She exerts her power by making an enslaved Tom wear a vest proclaiming his love for her. Oh dear. Is this the beginning of the end? Still in Rome, and Tom’s starter...

The Loki Factor. Fans think Taylor took fright after seeing her boyfriend transformed into a gothic alien with a mullet a month ago. Tom posted this snap online in August, but if she loved him, surely the gormless look of Thor’s archenemy Loki wouldn’t...

Splitsville! Yesterday, a devastated Tom considers his options after publicity hound and control freak Taylor announces to the world that she has called it off. Why? Apparently our boy has become too fond of the limelight. As if!