My partner cheated but at 65 I’m afraid to be alone
NOVELIST, grandmother of four and ex-Blue Peter presenter, Janet ellis, 60, answers your questions . . .
QI’M 65 and have been with my partner, who is nearly 71, for three years. We had a very happy, easy relationship, with barely a cross word.
Since I became a widow at 58, I’ve very much enjoyed his company, introducing him to my daughter, and my grandchildren like him very much.
But a few months ago, he confessed to having an affair. He begged forgiveness, saying it was a one-off with a woman he had dated a few years before we got together. He says he’s sorry, he loves me and wants to be with me.
If I leave him, I’m worried I’ll live out the rest of my life alone — it’s not easy to find a partner at 65. But is it worth staying with a man who has so little respect for me? I’m desperate for advice.
ACAN we take age out of the equation for a moment? If we put aside the numbers, it still leaves us with the other facts.
A man who was lucky enough to win your heart, welcomed into your life by you and your family (and who undoubtedly had a spring in his step because of you) has deliberately chosen to pull the plug on all that.
There are two big questions for him to answer: why did he have an affair and why did he tell you?
Do you suspect, as I’m afraid I do, that the woman he told you about wasn’t the only one? Do you have a clear and honest picture of his relationship history before he met you? It’s likely those two lines of inquiry would lead to the same place — a man who isn’t capable of fidelity and prides himself on his ‘way with women’.
When you met him, although you were still relatively recently bereaved, I don’t suppose you had any trust issues. If you’d had a happy marriage (and your willingness to share your life again certainly bears that out), then you’d have embarked on this new relationship confident you’d be able to enjoy another one. Neither of you were in the first flush of youth, it’s true, but that means you were both old enough to realise you want to hang on to a good thing. He would have understood what he was risking when he embarked on his affair, even if it was only for a night. Even the most generous interpretation doesn’t allow for the fact he deliberately saw a former partner without telling you, and in circumstances where they were able to sleep together. It doesn’t sound like an accident, does it? I’d be saying the same thing if you were 21, not 65. The most damning thing is that he not only concealed the truth but then, presumably to make himself feel better, he confessed. He’s done you a favour in a way, by revealing what he’s capable of. Bizarrely, he expected his apology to make it all right again. Trust is rather hard to rebuild after such an effective demolition job. I think you’ve answered your own question about staying with him, as you’re quick to point out how little he respects you. That leaves your inevitable concern about facing a lonely old age. You’re well on your way to meeting someone else as you’re so open to the possibility. Age is no barrier to love. Don’t cling on because your age makes you fearful — instead, let go because your life and experience have made you wiser.
If you have a question for Janet, please email it to janetellis@dailymail.co.uk.
Ward off weight gain
HORMONAL changes mean extra pounds can creep on in middle age — particularly around your tummy.
Food cure: cinnamon and avocado
CINNAMON can help reduce insulin resistance — a common condition when the cells stop listening to the hormone insulin, resulting in weight gain and an increased diabetes risk — as insulin encourages the uptake and utilisation of sugar in the bloodstream.
eating avocado will help you feel fuller for longer, which helps to curb cravings for high-sugar foods. I also recommend avocados to anyone who is struggling with hormone regulation, as they contain fats that are required for the production of sex and fertility hormones in both men and women.
They are packed with vitamin K, vitamin C, various B-group vitamins, potassium and vitamin e. Regularly including them in your diet can improve your skin, regulate your blood pressure and reduce inflammation.
Try this easy avocado recipe . . .
Get a good night’s sleep
THE ultimate Catch-22 of the menopause is fighting feelings of fatigue throughout the day, then lying awake in the early hours unable to sleep. Upping your intake of leafy greens will boost your magnesium levels. magnesium is known as a muscle relaxant and can help you unwind.
Food cure: legumes and cherries
PACKED with fibre and protein as well as the mineral magnesium to help you sleep, chickpeas, lentils and beans should be a regular part of your diet.
Chickpeas combine important plantbased protein with plenty of fibre and carbohydrate. Their protein helps maintain muscle mass, makes you feel full and boosts your skin and hair.
The fibre aids the body’s detoxification process by cleaning out the digestive tract and feeding beneficial bacteria colonies to increase nutrient absorption, while their carbohydrates contribute to a well-functioning brain as well as filling you up (so you’re not tempted to snack between meals) and stocking up your glycogen stores to prevent muscle wastage after exercise.
Beans, too, act as an intestinal broom, cleaning out the digestive tract, keeping bowel movements regular and removing toxins from the colon.
Cherries, meanwhile, contain an important antioxidant — melatonin — which plays a big role in regulating sleep/wake cycles.
The body naturally produces melatonin (under the right conditions and with the right balance of nutrients), but boosting intake can be a godsend if you have trouble sleeping.