Magnolia! My skirtings are in Barry White

These days, there are so many different shades and colours of paint that sometimes it’s hard to make the choice. That’s why before embarking on a recent redecoration I sought the expert help of those two veteran interior decorators, Jasmine White and Matt Rose.

First stop was the bathroom. ‘I was thinking of something a little citrus-y. Perhaps a Keith Lemon or a harry Lime?’ I suggested. But my two experts weren’t convinced.

‘Over my dead body’ said Matt Rose, ‘Keith Lemon is far too vulgar, darling!’

‘And you wouldn’t want harry Lime behind those bathroom pipes’ said Jasmine White. ‘But how about something sparky yet reassuring, like Fearne Cotton?’

‘Or why not go bold and unpredictable with Jack Ruby?’ suggested Jasmine.

‘Too dark’ I said, ‘And Jack Ruby tends to clash with everything else. What about Ginger spice?’ ‘Too common.’ ‘Or Walter White? I’m told it’s very reliable.’

‘ Quite the opposite. It turns everything black’ said Matt. ‘But if you’re thinking of a white, how about Peter snow? It’s one of those shades that’s been around for years. It has a lovely nostalgic, homely feel to it.’

‘hmmm. Peter snow might be a bit too imposing,’ I said. ‘ On the other hand, I like this Barry White.’

‘ Oh, but this bathroom would be marvellous in Barry White!’ gasped Jasmine. ‘either that, or a Gilbert White, if you’re after something more period. Or Patrick White, but that can be very difficult. You could always try Jack White, but, then again, that can end up very loud.’

I was beginning to feel that we would never make up our minds about the bathroom, so I suggested we concentrate on the sitting room instead.

‘ I’m after something a little autumnal here’ I said. ‘ Perhaps Gordon Brown?’

‘Darling, but Gordon Brown is so 2009!’ said Matt.

‘At one time, Gordon Brown was all the rage, but it’s years since I last saw it used. Far too gloomy! If you’re set on brown, then why not try Derren Brown?’ ‘Too tricksy!’ ‘. . . or William Brown, but then again it does pick up the dirt, so you’d have to get it in a stain-resistant emulsion.

‘On the other hand, if you’re thinking autumnal, you could always go for something truly upto-date like Amber Rudd.’

But of all the colours on the paint- chart, Amber Rudd has suddenly become so ubiquitous as to be unavoidable, rather like magnolia. All in all, I was really after something more offbeat and retro, like Magenta de Vine or a rich Coral Browne.

still undecided, I moved through to the hallway. I said that I was sure I wanted to go for green. But which green? I scanned the paint chart. I thought my visitors would like to be welcomed by something bold and brash, like a Philip Green.

‘I beg you, not PHILIP GREEN!’ exclaimed Jasmine White. ‘ so unfashionable! No one has Philip Green in their house these days! Anyone who tried Philip Green last year has had to call the painters back and give their house a good going-over.

Why not go for something less controversial, like a hughie Green? Or, if you’re after something really classy and traditional, Charlotte Green.’ ‘Or an eva Green?’ ‘A little too exotic. More suitable for upstairs. You could always try Damian Green, if you’re after a more conservative look, or Al Green, if you want something more funky. Or you could opt to go all sixties. Farrow & Ball do a lovely stirling Moss.’ I’ve noticed that many contemporary kitchens in the colour supplements are painted in dark colours, so when we moved through to the kitchen I suggested something black.

‘ In the first decade of this century, the smart set always used to swear by a good strong Conrad Black, but it’s now considered fearfully infra dig’ said Matt Rose.

‘But Cilla Black looks good on a kitchen unit. Or if you want to go for something more off-beat, there’s something very lyrical about Don Black.’

‘Greys are coming back, too,’ volunteered Jasmine White. ‘Lady Jane Grey fell out of favour after only nine days. Dorian Gray may be a bit 1890s and Linda Gray is certainly 1980s, but there’s still something wonderfully timeless about earl Grey.’

A Frank Bough for the little cupboard under the stairs? Bobby Blue for the shower? Neneh Cherry for the conservatory?

A nice errol Brown for the larder and a bold scarlett Johanssen for the guest bedroom?

The downstairs loo looks good in Fern Britton, but then again, nothing brightens up a room quite like saffron Burrows.

Ah, decisions, decisions!