Raising my children will cost £1million (not to mention 10,950 hours of lost sleep)
What people don’t tell young women thinking of starting a family is that your children cost you. Not just financially, but emotionally, mentally and physically as well. Some people try, though. Before I got pregnant, my sister — who has seven children — kept trying to tell me that my time would no longer be my own, my finances would take a battering and my sense of self would be skewed beyond all reasoning, but I wasn’t listening. I was entranced and enthralled by the idea of being a mother.
and it has been entrancing and enthralling. But it has also come at a cost.
I know that I love my children with my whole heart. I also know that everything in my life would feel utterly different — and probably not in a good way — without them in it.
But now I have reached the age of 50, I have begun to question what it would have been like if I hadn’t had them — or at least not quite so many of them.
My eldest son, Raymond, is 20, and I have three more children aged nine to 13. By the time my daughter — the youngest — leaves home I will be 60, and Raymond 30.
I will have spent half my entire life looking after children. I will never not be a
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mother. It’s not something I can shrug off and step over, nor would I want to, but all those years ago, when I had my first son, I had no concept of what I was signing up for. But does anybody?
So I thought that it would be interesting to tot up just how much having four children had actually cost me. Read on for the results . . .
THE FINANCIAL EXPENDITURE
IN REAL terms, I have pretty much been solely financially responsible for my children. Raymond’s father hasn’t contributed any money and I never set up an official financial arrangement with the father of my youngest three children.
CHILDBIRTH: I had Raymond on the NHS in hospital but the other three at home with a private mid-wife at the cost of £6,000 a birth — £18,000.
The EARLY DAYS: these tiny creatures weigh next to nothing, consume only breast milk for months, and live in pyjamas, yet when you add up the cost of nappies, baby bottles, sterilisers, breast pumps, bibs, muslins, dummies, baby toys and sleep suits, it’s staggering. I estimate around £600 per child, per year for the first two years — £4,800
THEN there’s all the things you feel bad if you don’t have them — the rockers, the baby bouncers, the educational toys, the soft toys, the books, the boxes full of plastic you swore you’d never have. I had to have a double buggy and then spent a small fortune on having special tyres put on that didn’t puncture. For the four of them, I easily shelled out £6,000.
NOT forgetting the classes you thought were unbearable before your own came along — Aquatots, baby Mozart, baby trampolining, Tumble Tots, tiny tots’ football, baby dance — all in all, £3,000
AND of course, I couldn’t be there the whole time. I had to work. So there were babysitters, nannies, au pairs, nursery . . . In all, I’d estimate that I paid out around £200 a week, every week for 15 years. That’s a total of £156,000.
THEN I totalled up school fees; the three older children (now 20, 13 and 12) spent their junior years at a private school. My daughter did her first three years at the same school, but now all are at local state schools. even so, the 15 years of private education cost £120,000.
THEN there’s the packed lunches I’ve made: 27 school years’ worth of them — 4,860 at £3 a lunch — £14,580.
IN TeRMS of food generally, I spend maybe £300 a week — it is expensive, but I do try to buy organic for health reasons although I am trying to get this cost down — including treats and snacks and some supermarket-bought toiletries, which comes to £15,600 a year so, in total so far £312,000, by far the biggest expense.
WhILe basic soap and shower gel come in the weekly shop, my mind boggles when I think of the other toiletries I have had to buy over the years — spot gel, hair gel, shaving equipment, tangle brushes, nit lotion, medicine, Calpol — I’m going to say £4,000 in all.
TheN there have been the holidays. A holiday is expensive enough when you’re just paying for yourself but multiply that figure by two, three and four and it’s truly jaw-dropping.
I reckon taking five people on holiday costs around £5,000 a year, but then some years — such as the two when we went skiing — have been more expensive than others. holidays in the UK are cheaper. In all, that’s around £100,000 and that doesn’t include school jaunts which I’d put at around £5,000 so far. So, in total, that’s £105,000.
eVeN a lunch in a cafe — a rare treat — can cost three figures when there’s five of you. Going out for dinner once a month, I probably spend £ 200, so, over 20 years, I’d estimate the cost as £48,000.
AND let’s not forget Christmases and birthdays — all those presents and parties, not just for my own children but the continuous social whirl that is all their classmates’ parties, and the £10 presents for them here and there.
Plus the gifts for favourite teachers and cake sales at school, weekend after weekend. That’s £ 1,000 a year, per child. Between them my children have celebrated 54 Christmases, bringing that figure to a cool £ 54,000. And counting . . .
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THEN there are the clothes, which even when you include hand-me- downs, probably work out at around £300 per child per year since the age of two. In total, that adds up to £15,000 for the four of them.
I AM astonished at how much the school uniforms and club sports kit have cost me. P er child I have spent £200 a year from the ages of five to 16 — so far £6,000.
I HAVE also splashed out on mobile phones and computers and Xboxes and other electronics to the cost of £8,000 to date.
DRIVING lessons for Raymond, plus three theory tests, two driving tests, buying and insuring a car for him plus tax and MoT has come to £6,000 (which of course I’ll have to find for the younger ones when they get there too).
HELPING out with Raymond’s university fees and accommodation (although he does have a grant which hasn’t come through yet) has added up to £2,500 so far.
THE extra- curricular activities that have taken place over the past two decades become almost impossible to keep track of; there’s been a dizzying round of kayaking, sailing, canoeing, rowing, rugby, football, cricket, acting lessons, singing, dance, piano, drums, guitar, street dance, choir, clarinet. Over the years, for my four children, that’s around £16,000.
THE PHYSICAL COST (AND MORE OUTLAY)
My CHILDREN have cost me more than just cold, hard cash. The fact that I have carried such huge babies (all coming in at around 10lb each) has put intolerable strain on my physical frame — which has taken time, dedica - tion, energy and — naturally, more cash — to repair.
SINCE pregnancy number three I’ve had a bad back that I’ve tried to keep at bay with weekly £60 private Pilates sessions that I had for four years. And £10-a- class yoga sessions two to three times a week — this tots up to £30,000.
I HAVE put on weight and so I have yo -yo dieted, signing up for three bouts of Dukan (at £30 a month for three to six months including all the extra supple ments and oat bran you are encouraged to buy, around £400 worth in all).
I have invested in endless diet supplements, weight-loss books, strange foodstuffs and one boot camp, an experience I will never go through again, costing me a total of £5,000. I spent about three years having one -to-one personal training at £40 a week , which comes to £6,240.
And I have forked out around £ 15,000 on clothes, including maternity clothes, and then endless variations of outfits in different sizes depending on where I am with my yo-yo-ing weight.
AND, as every parent knows, I have done all this on not enough sleep, plagued by the exhaustion that makes putting one foot in front of the other , let alone going for a run, seem like a Herculean task. I have suffered from 20 years of sleep deprivation.
For the first ten years, I reckon I lost about three hours a night of the recommended eight, then maybe two for the past ten. This means I have been deprived of 10,950 hours of sleep and, as we know sleep effects your brain cells, I have obviously got fewer than I should have.
THE INTELLECTUAL AND EMOTIONAL TOLL
HAVING children has not stopped me from having a career — in many ways I have probably been more successful because I have had to work intensely in short bursts. But I have made decisions about work based on the principle that I have wanted to be at home with them as much as possible. This means that I haven ’t fully explored my working life in a way that I might have done if life had been a little bit different.
BEFORE I had children, I thought I’d blaze a trail through the world, pushing myself to be successful, useful, helpful. I thought I’d work for the UN or for Oxfam or write stunningly original novels — ha!
None of this has happened and, now I am getting older, it probably never will. I probably won ’t effectively manage to stop fracking single-handedly, I won’t become a politician, a newspaper editor or a publishing magnate.
I HAVE also had to accept the fact that, rather than watching some cutting - edge new theatre production, I’ve been sitting through Peppa Pig Live.
And I can’t help but think of all the art exhibitions I didn ’t go to, the interesting talks I didn ’t hear, parties full of interesting people I haven’t gone to and great jobs that someone else took on because I gave up opportunities that would take me away from home for too long.
So I said no to ‘finding myself’ in Andalucia, no to a week in Morocco at a five-star hotel, no to countless food/ wine/ spa/ travel trips . . . numerous things I haven’t done. But it is how I have chosen to do it.
So, in many ways, I don’t mind. I have four kids. y ou don’t get to lead the high life when you have decided to bring four new people in to your world. But sometimes, just sometimes, the- thingsI-haven’t-done-but- could-havedone niggle at me.
BUT maybe the most difficult cost — and the one that ’s the certainly hardest to put a value on — is the emotional one. I am convinced there is a huge plus point, emotionally speaking, when you have children.
I genuinely believe I have learned more about myself, others, life and the universe through having children. They have exposed every part of me and I often feel as if I am wearing my nerves on the outside of my skin.
I have never laughed more in my life than when I am with them, but I have also never felt quite so raw at times,
So, financially speaking , my children will probably cost me over £1 million by the time they leave home (and, let ’s face it) it probably won’t stop there — which is mind boggling.
Some people would definitely have done it cheaper . Other people would have spent thousands more. They might pay for ponies, tutors, endless private music lessons and even more school fees . . .But, still, a million pounds!
For better or for worse we have our children, we love them and want the best for them and will do everything within our power to help them discover who they are and support them to be the best person they can possibly be.
Would I do it all again? y es, undoubtedly I would.