My daughter’s baby will be MY burden
novelIst, grandmother of four and ex-Blue Peter presenter, Janet ellis, 60, answers your questions . . .
QMY 38-YEAR-OLD daughter is pregnant for the first time. The father knows about the pregnancy, but has made it very clear he isn’t interested in raising a baby. I know my daughter feels this might be her only chance at motherhood and wants to go through with the pregnancy, but I’m worried the burden is now going to land on my shoulders.
My daughter works long, irregular hours, so I can’t see how she could continue to do that unless I provide the childcare. If she does leave work, then there’s nobody to support her financially apart from me. Of course I want my daughter to be happy, but I feel she is taking a decision here that will impact both our lives, not just hers. How do I tell her that I don’t think she should go through with it?
AThe short answer is that you can’t dictate her decision. No one has the right to tell an adult woman that they shouldn’t continue with a pregnancy and I’m sure you agree. But your panic is understandable: this is obviously a huge surprise.
It sounds as if you don’t know the father very well — if at all — and had no idea a pregnancy was on the cards. When your children announce they’re going to become parents themselves, it’s inevitable you’ll have mixed feelings about the situation, even if it’s a planned arrival.
It doesn’t seem very long since your son or daughter was a child themselves and you tend to worry about how they’ll cope as much as you celebrate the announcement. If the news is coupled with all sorts of concerns about the future, as in your case, no wonder you’re looking on the down side.
Despite his assertion that he doesn’t want to be involved, the baby’s father does have responsibilities. Does your daughter want him in her life, or is she certain they don’t have a relationship worth working on?
Your daughter’s boyfriend won’t be the first man to react adversely to discovering that he is going to be a dad. If they care for each other, then you are ideally placed to help them to adjust to the situation and encourage them to look forward to their baby’s arrival. If they’re definitely not going to be together, he should still provide some financial support and be encouraged to maintain some contact with his child. It doesn’t sound as if your daughter has asked you to be on hand for childcare, let alone help with money. She’s been in employment long enough to have a good idea of what’s on offer, during maternity leave and after her child is born. Your letter is peppered with hypothetical situations, each one more alarming than the last. If your daughter’s mind is made up, then you need to be positive, too. She’s right that this might be her last chance to have a baby and she hasn’t indicated that she is anything other than optimistic about the future. Tell her you want to help as much as you can, even if you won’t be offering unlimited childcare. I suspect that once you’re a grandmother, you might feel differently about your contribution. I’m sure she’ll have considered her options carefully. She’s not a little girl, remember, and I’m hoping that the reason she hasn’t confided in you is because she has a proper plan of action. Once she has reassured you, then you can both enjoy the rest of her pregnancy and look forward to this new and exciting time in your lives. It might ring a bit hollow at the moment, but let me be the first to offer my sincere congratulations.