Oh Lord! Am I too rockin’ to be a Rev?

Crowd-surfing with Liam Gallagher. Swigging port at midnight. And feeling a fraud in his surplice . . . the concluding part of an unlikely trainee vicar’s laugh-out-loud memoirs

ON SATURDAY, the Mail began serialising the hilarious and very human diaries of a likely lad who, to his wife’s alarm, decided to become a man of the cloth. In part one, he told how ‘vicar school’ saw him balancing boozy nights with early morning prayers — while wrestling with his and his wife’s childlessness. In this, the final extract, a rock concert prompts a spiritual crisis.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 6

Struggling to get to sleep. I can’t stop thinking about my decision to leave my job as a local news reporter to work for the Church. It feels like utter madness now.

Back then, I was sure enough to leave behind the career I loved and any semblance of financial security.

I can still picture my editor on the york Press crying with laughter when I told him why I was handing in my notice. dad was so upset that he refused to come to my leaving-do. He missed an epic night at the tap and spile. It’s now more than two years since I was driving on the A19 and suddenly sensed god calling me to work for him — and the power of that spiritual moment has become diminished over time.

As I write this in bed, my wife Anna has just sworn at me for giving her a light prod.

she’s heavily pregnant with our miracle twins — conceived after our third go at IVF — and has turned into a snorer. It’s like trying to sleep next to Bernard Manning with a cold.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 7

My Aunty lynne, who’s suffering from cancer, has had a bad week. this morning, I prayed that she’d be completely healed. Why does god choose to heal some and not others? I’m struggling with the theology of many things right now.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 12

The last thing I want to do is make my wife unhappy. I’ve been offered a post as curate at Holy trinity Church in Hull — to begin after I complete my two years at vicar factory. But Anna doesn’t want to budge from our threebedroom home in york.

unless she can see her mother, who lives close by to us at the moment, from our bathroom window, she’s openly hostile to moving anywhere — let alone a city that’s bottom of most lists it wants to be top of and top of most lists it wants to be bottom of.

A couple of weeks ago, her sulking and sobbing reached biblical proportions. today, we discussed it again — and she was initially angry and tearful. But then, to my surprise, she began to talk more reasonably and realistically about a move.

MONDAY, AUGUST 23

Anna has officially agreed to move to Hull! My heart still pounds with an intense love for her.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 9

I settled myself into a huge comfy chair in starbucks to people-watch. there was a huge kerfuffle outside the Marks & spencer opposite after a power-cut forced it to close.

A nervous-looking junior manager in a creased shirt had the difficult job of informing customers. they weren’t happy. It got me thinking about churches and how people would react if they were forced to close on sunday. Would folk be as bothered? sadly, probably not.

shops seem to be the modern places of worship now. the M&s counter is the new altar.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 14

My old buddy Josh and I flew a kite in West Bank Park today. the string kept getting snagged in the trees, so we sneaked onto the bowling green where there was more room.

the park-keeper busted us. He was very unhappy. It was like being transported back to my school days, when I’d be regularly reprimanded for various misdemeanours. trainee vicars should not still be getting thrown out of parks.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 29

I’M getting jittery about going back to live at Cranmer Hall (a theological training centre in st John’s College, durham) at the end of the summer break. essays will soon be coming out of my ears. It will take huge amounts of self-discipline to juggle the work, and then come back to york at weekends to be a dad — our twins are due in less than two months’ time.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 8

In our first seminar on leadership, we’ve been told that charisma is frowned upon. one quote was read out that said: ‘Charisma becomes the undoing of leaders. It makes them inflexible, convinced of their infallibility, unable to change.’

surely it depends on how you define charisma? the Church of england has been churning out too many leaders with a severe lack of it for generations — and look at the state we’re in.

We seem scared to death of leaders with a personality. Instead, we’ve ordained generations of prayerful, introverted, academic and safe priests who effortlessly talk the language of radio 4. let’s now ordain a few who talk the language of Coronation street. glad that’s off my chest.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 17

I knelt at the tomb of st Cuthbert in durham Cathedral with Mum and grandma to pray for my Aunty lynne. It was a holy moment. We each lit a candle for her.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 25

The pain of death. the beauty of new life. We’re seeing it all as a family. In the time two lives have grown within Anna’s womb, Aunty lynne’s body has degenerated to such a degree that she is now on the brink of death.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 6

It’s midnight. We’ve been in a room at york Hospital all day waiting for the babies to be born. Anna’s in agony, moving back and forth on top of a giant birthing ball. It actually looks quite comical, but I daren’t tell her that.

Aunty lynne finally succumbed to her cancer at 4.30am. A time to be born. A time to die. I spent an hour in the chapel, asking god to help me make sense of it all.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 7

Esther rose and Heidi Mae came into the world at 3.20pm and 3.41pm. esther weighed 5lb 7oz, Heidi 5lb 10oz. All that waiting. All that longing. It was like holding hope. An indescribable love coursed through me as I looked down on Anna’s face.

I couldn’t stop thinking about the GP who told me that we would be forever childless because of my low sperm count. But anything is possible with god.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 8

We’re mourning the loss of a precious life and celebrating the birth of two new ones. And I am front and centre of both. I fled the twins to sort out Aunty lynne’s funeral service, which she wanted me to take.

the funeral director presumed I was an old hand. ‘Where do you want the commendation in the order of service, Matt?’ he asked. I was thinking, ‘What’s a commendation?’

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 10

Esther’s unbearable screams go right through me. And I’m a nervous wreck. At the slightest murmur from the Moses basket, I run in to roll a glass against the twins’ bare legs to check for meningitis.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 11

I Keep praying for god’s peace. surely there comes a time when you begin to find your children’s cries endearing?

MONDAY, DECEMBER 13

I commended Aunty lynne to god at york Crematorium today. A wonderful serenity possessed me as I looked out on all the grieving people. this is my calling. My privilege.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 18

endured another worry-filled, sleepless night. this time, I’d convinced myself that esther’s heavy breathing was severe asthma or cystic fibrosis. I’ve got to relax.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 12

I’M already worried about esther and Heidi meeting boys. If I’m dead, girls, and you’re reading this, convent life is not as bad as it sounds.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 16

Leaving my girls to drive back to college in durham was horrendous. I cried with Anna on the doorstep. the last time I slept in my college bed, Aunty lynne was alive and we were childless. How quickly the seasons of life change.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 26

I’M A deeply unpleasant, insecure man at times. today, I found myself engineering conversations so I could let people know that I got 87 per cent in my preaching assessment.

this is not priestly behaviour. If I’m the future of the Church of england, then it’s really in trouble.

later, after an intense evening of study, I joined [fellow-student] Paul Bromley in his room at midnight where we drank port . . . and finally I heard Paul laughing himself to sleep in the room next door.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 8

Reading leviticus has unsettled me. Verses 13 and 14 are a good example: ‘the lord said to Moses: take the blasphemer outside the camp; and let all who were within hearing lay their hands on his head, and then let the whole congregation stone him.’

And that’s just what they did. I tried to imagine Jesus making that decision. He wouldn’t, would he?

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 15

For the good of his craft and his future in theological academia, I wish I’d had the guts to gently tell our new student lecturer how unhelpfully dull and uninspiring his session was today. someone needs to tell him. sensitively. so it can’t be me.

TUESDAY, MARCH 8

Lent fever has gripped Cranmer. the place is abuzz with talk about what people are giving up or taking up.

Some of us are so self-righteous. We’re essentially trying to out-penance each other. the fasts are getting longer, the personal sacrifices more extreme.

THURSDAY, MARCH 24

It’S late. I’ve just burst into the senior common room to chastise three drunken students for being too loud.

When did I start telling people off for a bit of drunken noise? It’s a slippery slope.

How long before I’m thinking that sandals and socks are an acceptable combination, or that gardening’s a worthwhile pastime on my day off?

FRIDAY, MARCH 25

Ordination looms. It’s all getting very real now. I don’t feel ready. I’m scared. We’ve come away to a secluded retreat house for three days of silence.

Instinctively, I want to rebel. My natural instinct is to be heard. to say something.

SATURDAY, MARCH 26

The only words I’ve spoken all day have been to God.

that’s a world first. It dawned on me how all-consuming and frenetic my life has become. It’s no wonder I struggle to hear God sometimes. I don’t listen.

In the late afternoon, I had a startling moment during a walk in the grounds.

It’s not easy to articulate. Suddenly, I became unmistakably aware of God’s presence in everything I saw, heard and felt.

MONDAY, APRIL 4

In preparation for today’s conflict resolution class, we had to fill out a long, detailed questionnaire on how we handled people in a range of scenarios.

My score of 40 was something of an anomaly, apparently.

according to the assessors, someone in my category ‘readily accepts difficult challenges’, has ‘high energy’ and ‘quickly wins the confidence of others’.

the downsides are that we often ‘innovate to avoid boredom’ and have a tendency to ‘manipulate and abuse others’ loyalty and integrity’.

So, in summary, I’ll be a force for positive change in the Church of england, but could end up defrocked by my second year.

TUESDAY, APRIL 12

I think I’m having a pre-rev-life crisis. I crowd-surfed [being lifted above the audience] for the first time while watching Liam Gallagher’s band Beady eye in Liverpool tonight.

It was one of the most euphoric experiences of my life. Liam seemed to give me a nod of respect. Or was it a signal to security that a nutter was being surfed his way?

On nights like this, every part of me wants to resist becoming a reverend. I feel like I’m getting ready for a life in a cage, where my every move will be scrutinised and judged. I want to live freely and spontaneously. and irresponsibly at times. I want to be where real people are and real life is happening. Is that possible when you’re wearing a dog collar?

THURSDAY, APRIL 14

I continue to have major doubts about my calling. It would help if I actually liked going to church.

Will that dog collar drive the passion out of me? Will it change who I am? am I signing up to a life of encouraging people to come into a cold, decaying, alien building? I couldn’t go through life as some kind of holy fraud.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 27

Esther and Heidi held each other’s hands as they breastfed tonight. that melted me.

When I see a sight as beautiful and delicate as this, it helps me believe in God. It’s divinely inspired.

SATURDAY, APRIL 30

I read this corker from deuteronomy [in the Bible] this morning: ‘If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity.’

FRIDAY, MAY 6

Today, I met up with neal Barnes, the vicar I’ll be working with in Hull after my ordination. there’s a gentleness and kindness about him that makes me want to cradle him, stroke his thinning hair and tell him that all will be well.

I can tell he’s desperate for the cavalry to arrive. He wants me to dream crazy dreams for what our huge church could be used for.

He also warned me that the bars and clubs surrounding Holy trinity are wild at weekends with marauding drinkers. and that’s just the women.

THURSDAY, MAY 19

My Clerical clothes arrived today. I stared at the black Matrix-movie-style robe with the 39 buttons, the white surplice, black shirt and dog collar for a long time before trying them on.

It doesn’t feel real. It doesn’t feel right. no matter which angle I looked at myself from in the mirror, I still felt utterly ridiculous.

Who am I trying to kid? It’s not me.

MONDAY, MAY 23

Today, I had a meeting with tina, one of Cranmer’s most experienced pastoral priests.

She was blunt and honest: ‘Basically, Matt, you need to learn to zip your mouth.’ She also suggested I learn to speak more tentatively and increase my quiet periods. I felt like eliza doolittle in My Fair Lady being schooled by rex Harrison. But I came out of the session full of confidence. I’m determined to be calmer and gentler, with a mouth that zips more frequently.

SUNDAY, MAY 29

anna’S going to have to cope with being a vicar’s wife. I said if she’s going to do it properly, she’ll need more flowery dresses, a greater willingness to bake and a much larger bottom.

FRIDAY, JUNE 10

This is it. My last day of two years at Cranmer. I’ve made it without walking out or being chucked out.

I collared our college principal to draw from his massive intellect one last time. ‘any final words of wisdom?’ I asked. ‘Be yourself,’ he replied. He surely can’t mean that!

SUNDAY, JULY 3

Today, at york Minster, we all filed in behind archbishop Sentamu and processed into the nave to the sound of a deafeningly grand organ piece. It felt like a coronation.

I was intensely moved as I kneeled before Sentamu at the crunch moment. He laid his hands on my head and said: ‘Send down the Holy Spirit on your servant Matthew for the office and work of a deacon in your Church.’

then he anointed my head with oil. In that holy moment, I was ordained. I am the reverend Matt Woodcock. Lord help us all.

ADAPTED from Becoming Reverend: A Diary by Matt Woodcock (Church House Publishing, £9.99). © Matt Woodcock 2016. To buy a copy for £7.99, visit www.mailbookshop.co.uk or call 0844 571 0640 (offer valid until November 12). P&P free on orders over £15.