The book that’s got grannies in a rage
It’s the series that’s sold 2m copies. But the latest Ladybird spoof ISN’T funny, says VIRGINIA IRONSIDE
Now let me tell you something. Granny isn’t very happy. No, no, granny isn’t cross, granny’s never cross, but perhaps this time granny is just a tiny bit cross . . .
That’s how my Ladybird book would begin, because right now this particular 72-year-old granny is jolly cross.
I’ve just been given the latest in the Ladybird series of spoofs called How It works. This one is called The Grandparent. And just a word of warning to other grandparents: if you’re presented with a copy of this book as a Christmas present, don’t read it.
The Ladybirds For Grown-ups series was a huge hit last Christmas, selling two million copies. The books addressed such topics as The Hipster, The Dad, The Mum, The wife and The Husband.
I gave a dad and a mum a copy and, though they may have been polite, they seemed to enjoy them, chuckling away. occasionally ouch-making, they were written affectionately.
But this latest book isn’t just not funny. It’s downright cruel.
In fact, I’m surprised it got published. we live in a culture in which jeering at people with disabilities is frowned upon. Even saying anything about people being fat is thought to be unkind. But ageism, it seems, is still fair game, even for the politically correct brigade.
Certainly the two authors of The Grandparent think that they can get away with horribly ageist taunts about ‘bladder pains’ and various other ailments of the old from blood pressure, vitamin deficiency, cataract operations and new knees.
Not to mention the underlying snobbery of the whole book in which grandparents are patronised as blinkered suburban house tidiers and general idiots.
‘Gloria has so many photographs in her handbag she can barely lift it. If the world went back to a pre-digital age, Gloria could go from town to town performing as a living version of Facebook,’ goes one caption, showing Gloria waylaying a plumber to bore him to death with her family photos. BUT
not one of my grandparent friends would dream of owning a plain photograph. It is surely they, the oldies, who prop up Facebook, a method of communication that young people gave up ages ago when they realised how easy it was for older relatives to snoop into their accounts.
‘Grandparents spend a lot of time in the garden making everything tidy and pretty, so they have something tidy and pretty to look at while they are doing the gardening.’
It’s true, older people do love gardening. I used to see it as outdoor housework, but now I’m forever out there with a trowel.
It’s nothing to do with wanting things to look tidy and pretty. It’s because we love nurturing and have nothing left to nurture now that the grandchildren are growing up and the children are mid- dle-aged. And as for the cruel jibe about bladder pains . . .
‘Judith is going to the doctor about her bladder pains. on the way she has a cup of tea at the Pavilion Tea Rooms with Steph, a cup of tea with Beatrice at the new Marks & Spencer cafe, a bowl of soup and a cup of tea for lunch at the Co-op, a cup of tea at St Margaret’s crypt and a cup of tea with olive because she lives near the surgery. “I don’t know what it is, doctor,” says Judith.’
Very funny. or not so funny if you’re one of the thousands of older women suffering from chronic urinary tract infections (UTI) — a crippling condition that leaves you drained and exhausted and requires massive doses of antibiotics or days of bed rest to relieve it. UTI in an older person can cause him or her to become extremely confused and they may even need to be admitted to hospital.
So reading this kind of ‘joke’ is painful — like being the boy at school who is bullied and teased because he’s got a stammer.
I did like the jibe about Maureen, however.
‘Maureen’s granddaughter has a gluten allergy, a nut allergy and an egg allergy.
‘Maureen’s cake contains only a couple of ounces of flour, a little bit of walnut and just the one egg, so she is sure her granddaughter will be fine with it.’
My tendency to use everything way past its sell-by date horrifies my health- conscious son, who can’t bear to see me scoop the furry growth off the jam before serving it up to my two grandchildren, not to mention cutting the mould off the cheese.
This book is written by a pair of blokes called Jason Hazeley and Joel Morris. And I wonder what their motives are. Do they hate their parents?
They’re full of anger at the aged, like grown-up schoolboys rebelling against a background they’re trying desperately to disassociate themselves from.
or, more likely, is it their in-laws they’re trying to skewer? Perhaps they’re frightened of the power older people wield?
According to which?, 72 per cent of grandparents are giving money to help their grandchildren through university.
I wouldn’t bring up the subject of money, but, as they used to say at school, ‘they started it’.
The final insult in The Grandparent comes when it turns out the grandparents have blown everything on a boat they refuse to let their grandchildren board and then die penniless, leaving their offspring nothing.
Now, I’m not saying that there isn’t a lot about grandparents to drive people nuts. But on the whole, they’re inspired by a great wellspring of love for their children and grandchildren.
Most would give their lives for them and spend hours planning treats and worrying themselves about their health and happiness. None of this is recognised in this sneering book.
of course, I risk sounding like some unpopular teacher covered with flour after experiencing the ‘ bucket on top of the door’ joke, shouting ‘This is not funny!’ while her class collapses in giggles around her. The butt of a joke is always in a weak position to defend themselves.
However, before you buy this as a Christmas present, let me tell you of the one big truth at the start of the book.
‘ Grandparents are very versatile. They are babysitters, weather forecasters, mother’s helpers, sweet collectors, childminders, knitwear suppliers, au pairs, curators of G- plan furniture and providers of daycare for the under-12s.’
Let’s forget that the last time I saw G-plan furniture it was being flogged at rip-off prices to East London trendies who looked very much like the authors of this book, but do they really want to bite the hands that feed them?
or wound the hearts that love them so much? how it works: The Grandparent (ladybird Books, £6.99).