Trump and a nightmare on Downing St
JANUARY 2017
President trump announces the appointment of the next United states Ambassador to the UK. Mr Freddy Krueger, veteran star of the nightmare On elm street series, will take up the position in July.
‘Freddy’s a great guy, with beautiful communications skills,’ tweets the President. ‘ And, what’s more, he’ll be bringing his own cutlery.’
TRANSPORT secretary Chris Grayling announces what he describes as ‘an exciting new development’ in the Hs2 scheme. in response to forecasts of leaves on the track, disruption caused by poor weather, and circumstances beyond their control, the government is to spend £25 billion on a major new Hs2 Bus replacement service, stopping at up to 163 towns and villages along the way. OFCOM, the broadcasting watchdog, receives a strong complaint about natural history programmes from a senior antelope.
‘ Viewers are encouraged to believe that we in the antelope community are simply victims. ‘ time and again, we are portrayed on television as doing nothing more than being chased by wild animals and then eaten. But there is so much more to us than that.at
‘ We are well known for our successful grazing, for instance, but this is only ever shown as a prelude to a chase. no mention is ever made of our successful bi- annual Antelope Poetry Festival, our pioneering interest in Mindfulness, or our love of vegetarian food.’
FEBRUARY
President trump calls for America to heal its divisions.
‘it is my prayer that we begin to heal our divisions and move forward as one country, strengthened by a shared purpose and a common resolve,’ he says. ‘And, by the way, do you know what i plan to do with anyone who doesn’t heal our divisions — i plan to lock them up in a great big beautiful prison.’ PRIME Minister theresa May is rushed to hospital for emergency treatment. ‘ she just kept repeating “the best possible outcome”, “Brexit means Brexit” and “a deal that works for everyone” over and over again,’ says a hospital spokesman.
the Prime Minister is allowed to leave after a couple of hours. ‘it’s a complete cure,’ she says. ‘ And that’s the best possible outcome.’ FOLLOWING complaints to Ofcom from the antelope community, a senior lion complains that lions are portrayed on television as only ever eating and chasing antelopes.
‘there is so much more to us than that. We are famous for our luxuriant manes and our majestic bearing, as well as our appreciation of 17th- century dutch landscape painting, particularly the groundbreaking work of ruisdael and Cuyp. the fact that we sometimes chase antelopes and then eat them is neither here nor there.’
MARCH
THE refurbishment of Buckingham Palace continues apace. ‘it should be ready for the arrival of President trump this summer,’ says a Palace spokesperson. ‘the state dining room has already been turned into a state- of- the- art indoor golf course, and the throne room is a top-of-the-range massage parlour. ‘All that remains is for the duke of edinburgh to move out of his u usual bedroom s so that little Barron trump has somewhere to o play with his go golden X-Box.’
B APRILA
IN PREPARATION for easter, Pippa Middleton publishes My extra special easter Book, full of handy tips on how to spend your easter. They include:
EASTER eggs a alwayslw taste much nicer if yo you remove the silver foil first
WHEN preparing a treasure hunt for little children, it’s best not to hide the eggs in dangerous places, such as at the bottom of a deep well, by an electrical socket or in a drawer full of sharp knives.
An EARLY news report suggests that veteran rolling stones Keith richard has been heard saying something ever so slightly interesting. However, the report turns out to be a hoax.
‘it was an outrageous slur on Keith’s reputation for extreme dullness,’ says a spokesman. ‘ He would never have changed the habit of a lifetime. He remains committed to saying the most boring thing possible, followed by a throaty laugh, to suggest it was amusing.’
In THE House of Commons, MPs from all sides are calling on the speaker to ban speaking in the Chamber.
‘it is both disruptive and distracting to have to hear someone banging on about this and that while the rest of us are trying to concentrate on our mobile phones,’ begins their petition. ‘if someone wants to make a politically motivated speech, they should have the good manners to do so elsewhere.’