Not even Horace Rumpole had to practise walking

All you need to know about the Brexit pantomime currently being played out in the ‘supreme Court’ is that the judges involved are reported to have spent part of the weekend practising their ceremonial entrance.

they held a dummy run ahead of the hearing to make sure they could walk to their thrones and sit down without falling over in front of the TV cameras.

there’s only room for seven of them, but all 11 wanted to be in the movie, so special seating arrangements had to be made. It’s the first time the full complement of judges has assembled for a single case.

Proceedings are being streamed on the internet, as well as the rolling news channels. Ostensibly, this is hailed as a triumph for ‘transparency’, but my guess is that there’s an alternative motive.

the judges wanted to ensure that their performances were preserved for posterity, so they could watch the video with friends and family over and over again at Christmas — a judicial version of It’s A Wonderful life.

If football referees play back their games on a Monday morning, why not judges?

‘look darling, that’s me — third from the right, next to old Nobby Neuberger. Maybe I should have gone with the MCC tie, instead of the National liberal Club.

‘It’s true what they say, though. TV does put 10 lb on you. Do you think I should go on the 5:2 diet before we hand down our decision? Probably a good time to lay off the jam roly-poly for a few weeks. I’m turning into Rumpole of the Bailey.

‘By the way, have we got any more of that Chateau thames embankment from Aldi in the pantry? We have? Fabulous!

‘Hang on, wind it back. that was a terrific point of law I just made, about article 49, clause 12, subsection 14.

‘Back of the net!’

SOME might accuse me of lacking respect for the judiciary, but what the hell. I’ve always belonged to the Dick the Butcher school, from shakespeare’s Henry VI, Part II. ‘First thing we do,’ says Dick, ‘let’s kill all the lawyers.’

Works for me, starting with all those two-bob spivs who advertise for ‘trip and fall’ comp-en-say-shun claims on daytime TV, right up to M’lords and laydee who sit in the ludicrously titled ‘supreme Court’.

Any faith I had in the judiciary went out of the window during the leveson Inquisition into the Press, conducted by sir Brian — or My Noble lord, or His Royal Majesty, or el Presidente, or whatever he calls himself this week — leveson, who displayed a level of understanding of my trade which bordered on the cretinous.

His reward was to be appointed Chief High executioner, or something, on the thick end of a couple of hundred thousand sovs a year. Cue Gilbert & sullivan, and bring on the dancing girls.

there was a dopey bird on the wireless yesterday, claiming to represent Britain’s 15,500 barristers, accusing the Daily Mail of behaving like Hitler for daring to question the impartiality of judges. Oh, for heaven’s sake, grow up, pet. Your puerile hyperbole only serves to prove our point.

And who knew that we had 15,500 barristers in Britain, on top of the assorted solicitors, paralegals and PPI parasites? What do they all do, apart from make a bloody nuisance of themselves?

look, for the record, I acknowledge that we need the rule of law. But I have the utmost contempt for most of its practitioners, who think they are the law, rather than its mere custodians. In the immortal words of tony Hancock: ‘Magna Carta — did she die in vain?’

Maybe it was always thus. Peter Cook was making a good living poking fun at judges in the sixties. But the rot really set in after the labour landslide in 1997. Don’t forget that Blair claimed the incorporation of the corrupt european ‘yuman rites’ act into British law was his proudest achievement in politics.

Of course it was. His missus and her mates made a killing, hoovering up millions in legal aid for representing terrorists, rapists, murderers, illegal immigrants, child molesters and assorted chancers.

And these days the Wicked Witch is a judge, too, when she’s not buying another house or lecturing us loftily on ‘parenting’.

HERE’S a top tip, Cherie baby. We’re not interested in what you think about anything, sweetheart. But the whole point of the Blair Project was to install judicial activism above popular democracy.

the intention was always to lock us in so tightly to the EU that the judges would be able to scupper any vote to leave. this week’s ‘supreme Court’ spectacular was in the script. And that’s precisely where we’ve arrived.

Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn about whatever decision the so- called ‘ supreme Court’ hands down eventually, even if it goes the way I’d prefer. the simple fact is: they shouldn’t be involved in the process at all.

this whole attempt to sabotage the democratic will of the British people should never have been allowed to get this far.

But, as always, everybody has to be in the movie — and this time it’s the judges’ turn to take centre stage. they’re like those gormless prats who stand behind TV reporters on location, waving and pulling faces at the camera. Hello, Mum! Only in the case of judges, it’s not just about being on telly, it’s about showing us plebs who’s boss.

What they don’t begin to understand is that, to employ a cliche, they’re part of the problem, not the solution.

When Britain voted leave, we were rejecting the whole rotten edifice — up to and including the self-regarding, self-important, selfperpetuating judicial class, who despite their aloof blather about their ‘independence’ are ultimately subordinate to europe.

And still we’ve ended up with the future of our nation pivoting on a perverse show trial, conducted by 11 ‘learned friends’ who don’t even trust themselves to put one foot in front of the other without falling flat on their backsides in front of the TV cameras.

Makes you proud to be British.