It’s the Mind How You Go Awards 2016

They sent armed cops to tackle a Star Wars fan on his way to a convention with his toy lightsaber

YES, it’s that time of year again. The judges have deliberated, cogitated and digested all the entries, over a working lunch of sausage rolls, Mars Bars, wine gums, Jelly Babies and ham sandwiches — the sort that come in cellophane packets.

Connoisseurs of The Sweeney will recognise our seasonal buffet items as the Jack Regan diet for coppers on surveillance, being both nutritious and convenient for storing in the glove compartment of a Ford Consul 3000 GT.

So most of you will have worked out that I’m talking about the annual Mind how You Go Awards, which celebrate outstanding examples of police stupidity, incompetence and abuse of power. Yet again, competition has been fierce. Our judges were particularly impressed by the variety of entries from all over Britain.

Unfortunately, two of the most exciting examples arrived too late to make the cut. Both came from Wiltshire Police, which is still in the running after blowing £700,000 trying to dredge up allegations of ‘ historic’ sex abuse against former Prime Minister edward heath, who — like Jimmy Savile — remains dead.

Although it managed to find such a vast amount of money to investigate Grocer heath, already cleared by the collapse of the Met’s discredited Paedos In high Places probe, Wiltshire Plod continues to plead poverty.

Police stations have been closed and officers are reduced to working out of council premises, which have no cells. A nick with no cells is like a pub with no beer. But this could explain why, instead of sending out officers to make arrests, Wiltshire PD is writing to suspects to ask them instead to make their own way to interrogations.

Inspector Pete Sparrow said: ‘We can’t afford to arrest everyone.’

Which might ring true had we not also learned yesterday that Wiltshire police sent nine — yes NINE — squad cars to arrest a suspected ‘knifeman’ in Salisbury. Unfortunately, when they got there, they discovered a man trimming a bush with a pair of hedge trimmers.

he was somewhat surprised to find himself surrounded by armed police, ordering him to: ‘Freeze!’

This is right up there with police in Devon, who dispatched dozens of armed coppers and a helicopter to lay siege for five hours to a house where a domestic dispute was under way. A man was later charged with damaging a biscuit tin.

The same police ‘service’ also sent a team of tooled-up marksmen to confront a desperado reported to be carrying a shotgun in Plymouth shopping centre. Turned out it was a toy lightsaber and he was on his way to a Star Wars convention. May the Force be with you. elsewhere, in Skegness, Lincolnshire, police charged a mobility scooter user with drinkdriving when he staged a protest at a drive-in McDonald’s. Officers were called after staff at the burger restaurant said they wouldn’t serve 62-year-old Michael Green because he wasn’t driving a car.

Mr Green refused a breathalyser and was arrested for being drunk in charge of a carriage under the 1872 Licensing Act — which was intended to apply to anyone riding a bike, a horse or a cart pulled by a cow.

When they realised that mobility scooters didn’t exist in 1872, Crown prosecutors decided wisely that the case was not in the public interest.

Of course, no Mind how You Go Awards ceremony would be complete without our old friends at the North Wales Traffic Taliban, who won a Lifetime Achievement Award after Tasering a sheep on the A55. This year they deliberately ran over a stray dog on the same stretch of road. Officers said the dog was posing a danger to fastmoving traffic.

For this valiant feat they have been awarded the Mad Mullah Memorial Trophy, named in honour of former Chief Constable Richard Brunstrom, founder and spiritual leader of the Traffic Taliban.

Our judges were sensitive to the fact that in recent years they have tended to overlook the achievements of female officers.

So, in the interests of diversity, consideration was given to the efforts of a number of women in senior positions who have been doing their best to crash through the awards’ glass ceiling.

Special mention must go to former Met Deputy Assistant Commissioner Maxine de Brunner, who was placed under investigation after arranging for police officers to entertain children at her son’s private school.

Dozens of bobbies, along with dogs, horses and patrol cars, were sent to the school in Surrey, including members of the Territorial Support Group and the Chemical, Biological, Radiological and Nuclear Unit.

Pupils were allowed to wear riot gear, wield truncheons and try on handcuffs. They even got to stage a mock riot, charging the police and pelting their plastic shields with tennis balls. The cost to taxpayers is estimated at £10,000.

De Brunner has plenty of previous, including being found guilty of sex discrimination against a male officer — even though she was in charge of the anti- discrimination unit at the time.

And three years ago, she spent £660 of taxpayers’ money on a ceremonial tricorn hat, when the Met was having to make £500 million of spending cuts.

Unfortunately, Miss de Brunner is no longer eligible for an award as she was allowed to retire quietly to escape disciplinary charges.

Meanwhile, in the name of diversity, a number of police forces announced that they were going to treat ‘misogyny’ as a ‘hate crime’. This followed a pilot scheme in Nottingham aimed at arresting men who wolf-whistled at women.

In the same spirit, the head of West Midlands Police said that female officers should have the right to walk the beat wearing burkas, in a bid to attract more Muslim women recruits.

That should stop anyone wolf-whistling them, at least.

West Midlands also submitted a late entry, introducing taxpayerfunded classes for male coppers on how to handle women going through the menopause. Riot shields and helmets all round!

But the runaway winner is Greater Manchester’s Assistant Chief Constable Rebekah Sutcliffe, who was suspended from duty after getting involved in a heated spat with a female superintendent, Sarah Jackson.

Both had been drinking at a Senior Women In Policing conference when an argument broke out over which of them had the most attractive breasts.

The row revolved around accusations that Supt Jackson’s chest was surgically enhanced. Sutcliffe got her breasts out to prove they were real, saying: ‘Look at these, look at these. These are the breasts of someone who has had three children. They are ugly but I don’t feel the need to pump myself full of silicone to get self-esteem.’

Sutcliffe was found guilty of serious misconduct, but allowed to keep her job. her behaviour has also won her the brand new Prosecco Trophy — sponsored by the Italian Wine Growers Association, backers of the coveted here We Go Looby Loo Awards.

But now we get to the serious stuff. Wee Burney’s Private Army — or Police Scotland as it is more commonly known — imprisoned a toy collector over a minor dispute about three Dinky cars, valued at £16, which he had advertised for sale on the internet.

Sounds like a civil case at best, one for the small claims court. But Police Scotland accused him of fraud and treated him like a hardened criminal.

Charles Traynor, from Glasgow, was arrested at his home, taken into custody, thrown in a cell for four hours, fingerprinted, and had his DNA taken.

MR TRAYNOR, who suffers from diabetes and a heart complaint, had to wait 467 days before learning that no charges would be brought against him. Not only that, but McPlod refused to apologise. Sound familiar? how many innocent lives have been destroyed by over-zealous police inquiries in recent years?

Journalists, blameless celebrities, politicians such as the late home Secretary Leon Brittan. Perhaps the most ghastly and unforgivable was the hounding of 92-year-old war hero Lord Bramall by the Met’s Nonce Squad.

All of this happened under Commissioner Bernard hyphenhowe, dubbed The Man Who Shames The Met by the Daily Mail.

his arrogant refusal to apologise or admit mistakes; his criminalisation of any contact between coppers and the free Press; his reign of terror at Scotland Yard; all had police officers and reporters alike longing for the golden era of his hapless predecessor Ian Blair.

And yet he still managed to give us a giggle when he sent subordinates to holland to study a plan to employ eagles to bring down rogue drones guided by terrorists and criminals.

It brought a whole new meaning to the term: Flying Squad.

he was due to receive the World’s Worst Copper trophy from the current holder, Mad Mullah Brunstrom. But he can’t be with us tonight because he is attending an all- expenses paid ‘ security conference’ at a six-star hotel in the Middle east — just as he was when he failed to turn up to explain himself to a select committee of MPs.

Fortunately, hyphen- howe is retiring in February. So put your trousers on, Bernard, you’ll not be missed.

Mind how You Go.