Who has the best love life ... mothers or their middle aged daughters?
One brave family reveals the uncomfortable truth
At the age of 72, Jackie Murrell has more than just a spring in her step. She has a twinkle in her eye. With silvery blonde curls cut flatteringly short, her make-up fresh and clothes fashionable, she sits next to her attentive husband tony basking in his praise, looking every inch like a woman in love.
tony is a charmer, she says. While that used to worry her as a young woman, and she was often jealous, now after 44 years together, she admits those fears are long gone.
‘At my age, I’m more sure of myself and in our relationship,’ she says, before adding, not at all coyly: ‘My intimate life with tony is still very active. We make love at least once a week and we both initiate it. We also love a kiss and cuddle in bed every day, too.’ Such a passionate relationship certainly belies the old-fashioned assumption that sex is only for the young.
And, perhaps, nobody is more aware of this than Jackie’s 40-year- old daughter Kelly. As a working mum with three children, she is quick to confess that her sex life is often way down her list of priorities.
‘I suspect over the past decade my mum has made love more often than I have,’ she admits.
It is a comparison that few are prepared to make. Because the natural assumption made by every generation is that they have a more active sex life than their parents.
Recent research, however, suggests that the baby boomer generation may, in fact, be making love more often than their middle-aged children.
More than half of men and almost a third of women over 70 surveyed by the University of Manchester last year said they were still sexually active.
Additionally, one third were still having ‘frequent’ sex, defined as at least twice a
month. But the same cannot be said for younger couples — a study published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behaviour this summer, found that many now have considerably less active sex lives than their baby boomer parents.
Other research carried out by University College London suggested that the frequency with which 16 to 44-year-olds are having sex has been steadily decreasing over the past two decades. In other words, the differing experiences of Kelly and her parents are far from unique.
BUTwhat explains it? The usual answers that are wheeled out are lack of time — children and work conspiring to leave no window for passion — along with the fact that older, post- menopausal women often feel liberated once the prospect of unwanted pregnancy has disappeared and enjoy a more carefree sex life as a result.
Divorced from her children’s father, but living with a new partner, Kelly admits that domestic responsibility and the care of young children has meant her own personal needs have taken a back seat for years and her love life has inevitably suffered as a result.
This isn’t the whole story, though, as she admits her sex life was dwindling long before her divorce.
‘When I was married to my exhusband we had sex once a month, if that. I wasn’t interested in sex at all. If I could have gone without it, I would,’ she says.
While Kelly largely puts her dwindling libido down to feeling exhausted and lacking in confidence about her body, she feels there was another reason.
‘ The children came first,’ she confesses. ‘ My ex did get jealous, fighting for attention with our sons. But with a baby, there is no choice, is there?’
Is there really no option but to sacrifice intimacy with your husband when you have a family?
The reality is that Kelly’s parents had similar commitments to juggle. Might it be that because they dealt with the demands of parenthood differently, they are reaping the benefits in older age?
Jackie believes that is the case. She is convinced that it’s only because she put her 73- year- old husband and marriage first that the relationship has endured, thrived and deepened.
‘In her marriage, Kelly had less time to devote to the intimate side of their relationship. She put the children and herself first,’ says Jackie. ‘ It’s not something that sits comfortably with me.
My generation simply didn’t do that. Our mothers put their husbands first and we followed that path. There was never a time I put the children before Tony’s needs.’
This generational difference is marked, says Phillip Hodson, 70, broadcaster and author of the book, How Perfect Is Your Partner.
‘With previous generations, children were lower in the pecking order than they are now. Their wishes were regularly subordinated to those of their parents,’ he explains. He believes that with this generation, chil come higher up the list. overly high,’ explains Ho you want the parents’ re thrive you must quite qu enough space, “oxygen”, t It doesn’t have to be a lot regular time.
‘The problem is that all are either growing or dyin stand still. If you keep ta never putting anything b
broke. In a relationship, it’s the intimacy that breaks.’
So how do you maintain that intimacy when pressured on all sides? Tony and Jackie were themselves both busy people when they were their daughter’s age.
Tony owned a grocery store, and Jackie ran a hair salon. They have three children together, but always insisted on making time for themselves and ensured they went out in the evening as a couple at least once a week.
‘If you’re married or in a long-term relationship, you cannot act like a single person or play the “mum card”,’ says Jackie.
She believes that as well as putting children before their husbands, women of Kelly’s generation have a tendency to be selfish.
‘It’s about them first, they love their “me” time. When you’re married, you don’t go out with the girls on a Friday night. That’s like purposefully going out looking for a member of the opposite sex. Tony and I have always gone out socially together.’
By doing this, Jackie believes it meant that when the children had grown up their relationship was still very much alive.
‘We both say that it was when our youngest left home that our life really started and by then, I was 52,’ says Jackie.
Ten years ago, the couple sold their business and moved to a retirement village near Canterbury.
‘This is now our time. While we’re in good health, we’re making the most of every day.’
And every night, it seems. Despite the fact that they have separate bedrooms because of Tony’s snoring, they confess to regularly liking a kiss and cuddle.
‘We enjoy it more now than when I was my daughter’s age,’ she says.
WHICH
is not something that Kelly would dispute. She now lives with her partner Nathan, 47 and her three children aged 20, 13 and ten. She admits that time for intimacy is still limited.
‘My life is very different to mum’s. There are so many reasons for sex taking a back seat. There’s work, being a mum and then there are those issues I have about my body.
‘I’m heavier than I’d like to be and I do lack confidence. All those factors massively impact on my desire to make love.’
But Kelly agrees her marriage suffered because they didn’t put the relationship first. ‘ We weren’t spend- ing enough time focusing on each other. Having children didn’t help as they had to be the priority. Even though I was a full-time mum, domestic life was full on. Intimacy took a back seat and our marriage paid the price.’ Her mother believes that her daughter has learnt the hard way. ‘Now that her boys are growing up, there isn’t that excuse anymore — she knows she needs to make time for the physical side of her relationship, too,’ Jackie says. Kelly knows this, but still finds it hard. ‘The problem is my body clock is all over the place, so even if I’m drained and tired I’ll do it, but not as often as I should. I do my bit and although we don’t pencil in sessions, I try to be as adventurous as I can.’ Kelly and Nathan are planning their wedding for next year and know that keeping the spark alive is important. But there are still weeks when Kelly realises a fortnight has gone by and they haven’t had sex. ‘I do worry and recognise I need to keep on my toes in the bedroom. But with work and the children, I’m constantly exhausted.’ According to Jackie, prioritising the relationship — including building a strong friendship — with your other half is key to getting you through the tough times. ‘Anyone can fall in love, just as you can make love to anyone. But if you want a relationship to go the distance, and I’m talking about decades, then you have to get to know one another first.’ The importance of nurturing friendship and kindness in a relationship is consistent with findings of a recent Gransnet survey on sex in your 60s, carried out earlier this year. It found that mutual support, kindness, good communication and friendship were rated as important by 97 per cent of respondents for keeping a relationship alive. A third of respondents (average age of Gransnet users is 64) also reported having sex once or more a week, while two per cent reported that making love is a daily occurrence.
‘Lots of younger people don’t like to think about older people having loving relationships and good sex, which is odd when you consider that for many of us it’s the best case scenario,’ explains Gransnet editor Cari Rosen. ‘We see plenty of evidence that people in their 60s and beyond enjoy and sustain active romantic and sexual lives.
‘Sex might be seen as the preserve of the younger generations, but that’s not borne out in our surveys or in the frequent conversations on our forums. These would indicate that couples who prioritise sexual, emotional, romantic connections with each other often have the most long-lasting and loving relationships.’
Meanwhile Relate, the counselling charity, sees many younger couples who are struggling to make time for each other in hectic day-to-day living.
‘It’s very common for couples to find sex being squeezed out of their relationship because of the pressures of work, children and running a home,’ says Relate therapist Clare Prendergast. ‘It can affect the intimacy of the relationship as a whole.’
She says that it is vital to keep making an effort, even if it is just to let your partner know you find them attractive.
‘It’s important to have some sort of contact and intimacy, but a cuddle, a wink or a sexy text from the office might be enough. If you don’t have the time or energy for sex, find other ways to see them as desirable.’
Jackie and Tony agree it is putting one another first and keeping the romance alive that has seen them through. ‘Every day without fail, Tony will turn to me and say, “Have I told you I love you today?”.
‘I know he worships the ground I walk on and I couldn’t think of anyone else I’d rather spend my time with,’ explains Jackie
They have a rule that they never go to bed on a row, and even though Tony might be asleep in his chair by 10pm and they have separate bedrooms, Jackie will always join him in bed before slipping off to her own room.
Phillip Hodson also believes that thoughtful romantic touches are important to maintaining intimacy into old age.
THRouGH
researching his books on relationships, he often sees older couples where the husband and wife insist that their partner is still beautiful. The idea that everybody at 75 is having bedroom gymnastics might be a bit optimistic, but intimate touch, love, a sense of romance, humour, and caresses, are all important, he says.
‘I’ve been with my partner for nearly 50 years and I’ve just put 11 candles in our bedroom,’ he explains. ‘Atmosphere and mood are so important to love and good sex. It is a psychological and emotional process as well as a physical and biological one.’
Kelly admires the relationship her parents have, and feels she has learned from it.
‘They’ve always put one another first,’ she says. ‘ This time round I like to think I’ve learnt from my mistakes. I’ve followed my parents’ mantra. It’s something they’ve drummed into my sisters and me: get to know them as a friend first. That’s exactly what I did with Nathan. It worked.
‘As we discovered how much we had in common, our feelings grew for one another. We’ve started from a solid base. We’re open about talking (just like my parents are), and we’re now a tight-knit couple. I see how in love and lust they are and want that for me, too.’