Mary Berry and the Great Train Robbery
NEW YEAR FUN TIME — COOKING UP A TREAT FOR 2017
Odd One Out Competition
The Answers a) The Duchess of York. The others are all currently appearing in Mother Goose at the Astoria Theatre, Great Yarmouth. b) Mary Berry. All the others took part in the Great Train Robbery. c) The pedal bin. The other X Factor finalists failed to make Sharon Osbourne cry. d) John Prescott. All the others have been spotted flaunting their curves and leaving nothing to the imagination on recent beach holidays in the Maldives. e) Jeremy Clarkson on a pogo stick with a blancmange. f) The third wheelie bin on the left behind Tesco in Carshalton. The others are all hiding places used by Sir Philip Green. g) Dame A. S. Byatt performing the chacha- cha on Strictly Come Dancing. h) The dead mouse. The others have all won the Turner Prize. The dead mouse was only a finalist. i) Nigel Farage is the only one regularly employed to shine Mr Trump’s shoes. j) John McDonnell was not one of the original Teletubbies. k) Alastair and Lady Colin Campbell. The other couples are all divorced. l) Geoffrey and Susan. The others are all names of the Beckhams’ children.
New Year Tale
Diane Abbott narrates The Cat Sat On The Mat (Part 1 of 2,000) ‘The cat — and, I’m very sorry, but, if you’ll just let me finish, I see absolutely nothing wrong, nothing wrong AT ALL in employing a cat or indeed cats in a story, it’s entirely legitimate, by which I mean that I’m well within my rights and, if you’ll just let me finish, what I was going to say was that this cat — and I’m not going to name names, firstly because it wouldn’t be fair, and thirdly because it’s got nothing whatsoever to do with the point I’m trying to make, and I’m very sorry but every cat, right, has the right to anonymity, and it’s simply not good enough to say that it hasn’t, well, I know you didn’t say that, but I’m sure you were about to, so, if you’ll just let me finish, the cat in question, and here I’m talking about the same cat I mentioned earlier, the cat in question decided that, for whatever reason — and I’m sorry, but he, she or they was well within his, her or their rights — the cat in question decided, after a totally democratic vote after a full and very constructive discussion, if you’ll just let me finish . . .’
New Year Clerihew
Mariah Carey Remains wary Of missing her cue: ‘I can’t mime, if miming is without
you-ooo-ooo-ooo’
Special Recipe for New Year
Lemon Drizzle Cake by Top Chef Gordon Ramsay Ingredients: 1 ½ large eggs 3 oz self-raising flour 3 oz caster sugar 3 oz butter ¾ tsp baking powder Finely grated zest of ½ lemon Method 1. Preheat the oven to 180c, gas mark 4. 2. Beat the ingredients together in a large mixing bowl. Not like that! Don’t you even know how to beat the ingredients together? Yes, you — I mean YOU! You’re useless! What are you? Yeah, useless. I can’t believe it! You might as well get out of the bloody kitchen now. Go on! I don’t want to see you in my kitchen again. You’re a bloody disgrace. I’ve just about had enough. Why do I bloody bother, that’s what I want to know. 3. Bin it.
Six Expert Predictions for the Coming Year
1) Under the leadership of Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin, the world will become a much happier, safer place. 2) The Labour Party will rally round Jeremy Corbyn. 3) employing their masterly skills, Boris Johnson, Liam Fox and David Davis will ensure the european Union accedes to all of Britain’s demands. Brexit will be smoothly concluded to the complete satisfaction of all countries involved. 4) Animals on wildlife programmes will stop chasing and eating each other. Instead, they will prefer to just hang out together, chilling. 5) Teenagers across the world will treasure the accumulated wisdom of their elders. 6) Texting and tweeting will go out of fashion, to be replaced by conversation.
EXPERT predictions supplied by top pollsters pigs Might Fly