Sharks have feelings too, Mr Spielberg
FoR the second time in under a week, this column has been indundated with furious letters from wild animals complaining about their portrayal in the media.
SIR: Imagine my horror when I found out what Sir David Attenborough earns!
As an ordinary decent hard-working python, never knowing where the next meal is coming from, I have twice been filmed by Sir David and his team.
The first time, I went to great lengths to swallow a baby goat whilst making sure the camera was focusing on my best side. The last thing I need is rude comments on the internet about my looks.
The camera crew couldn’t have been more charming when they were trying to persuade me onto the programme, but they ended up portraying me as the villain of the piece.
The second time, it took me over two hours to swallow a monkey. It turned out to be not at all tasty, and full of bones. But, after all that effort, Planet Earth only screened a five- second clip. On neither occasion was I paid a penny, nor did I rate a mention in the credits. All I got from it was vicious comments from the online goat and monkey community, and other members of the liberal elite.
To hard-working predators, Sir David is just a backseat driver, taking all the credit while leaving the heavy lifting to us. Yet he has won countless awards from BAFTA. Meanwhile, we are ignored and/or vilified.
I find this state of affairs very hard to swallow.
Yours etc., A Python.
SIR: Ever since Spielberg’s hurtful and derogatory propaganda film Jaws (1975), sharks like myself have been treated as pariahs.
For instance, whenever we pop our heads out of the water to welcome swimmers, they just scream with horror and make a rush for the beach.
Over the years, we have engaged some of the world’s biggest public relations companies to emphasise our warm and friendly characters and athletic prowess. But the public just doesn’t want to know.
Last year, I was booked as a studio guest on The One Show, but at the last minute the producer said that I might be ‘too snappy’ for younger viewers. Imagine my consternation when I found out that my replacement was Gordon Ramsay!
This year, a shark colleague of mine was unfairly turned down as a contestant on The Great British Bake- Off, even though he had been happy to sign an agreement not to eat Mary Berry.
Why do wildlife film-makers never show the softer, kinder side of sharks?
Instead of screening the usual biased footage of us attacking divers in steel cages, they should film us engaged in charitable works, or pursuing our many hobbies and recreations, which in my case include swimming, sushi, and needlework. I am also actively involved in my local Book Club. At the moment, I am halfway through A.S. Byatt. She offers a lot to chew on. Sue Shark (Mrs). SIR: Your correspondent Sue Shark complains of unfair treatment at the hands of the media. Fair enough. But my members are treated even worse. Adrian Skunk, The Federation of Jackals, Warthogs, Rats and Hyenas.
SIR: A TV producer recently persuaded the two of us to take part in an episode of the prestigious, award- winning Planet Earth. Imagine our horror when, six months later, we realised we had in fact been filmed for The Undateables. Yours faithfully, Mr Giraffe and Miss Woodlouse.
SIR: I agree with your earlier correspondent, A. Python. Recent close-ups of my face on a major wildlife documentary programme put an unfair emphasis on my grey skin, my wrinkles, the bags under my eyes, and other minor facial blemishes. What sort of message does this send out to aspiring young elephants? Ann Elephant.
SIR: It’s high time wildlife viewers understood that we penguins are not just figures of fun who waddle around in a busy-bodyish sort of way.
Many penguins are highly serious creatures, with a wide range of skills and interests.
I myself am a renowned authority on Victorian water- colourists and the poetry of Percy Bysshe Shelley. The fact that I am also an aquatic, flightless bird with a comical way of walking is neither here nor there. Polly Penguin.