The choice: my partner or my son?

DEAR BEL

MY PARTNER of nearly five years (he is aged 47 to my 48) will not host my 22-year-old son. Our house is mine, although we chose it together and he contributes half of the costs. My son has mental health issues, which only recently came to light: a diagnosis of high-functioning autism and possibly ADHD. He has dropped out of university twice, tried suicide a few times, is extremely adept at lying and has caused his father and I major upset in recent years. He lives with his dad (we divorced more than five years ago) as I had to move away for my job and he wanted to stay in the home town. I’ve tried to help, sourcing and paying for private therapy, contacting societies who could support him, making suggestions, contacting medical professionals, etc. But he’s neither in employment nor training and has made no steps to help himself. His dad doesn’t have much influence and generally leaves him alone, so he spends all his time in his bedroom, not moving his life forward. He’s brought me to the brink of depression. Now he’s an adult I can’t make him better. Only he can do that — a huge challenge. I want him to visit me, but my partner says he will go to a hotel if this happens. He doesn’t want to see him as he doesn’t like him and how much he’s upset me. I understand that, but if I can give him a chance, why can’t my partner realise how much he is hurting me with his attitude? My son will always be part of my life. I accept my partner’s sons (aged ten and 18) staying part of the week at our house, even though they ignore me and do nothing to help or show any appreciation. At the moment my partner’s view is that if we buy a place together, which is our plan, he won’t allow my son in the house. That’s a problem I can’t tolerate. So my choice seems to be my partner or my son. I know my son has to prove the lies have stopped, try to live a productive life and take up all the help offered to him. I’m in the middle of this problem, which is unresolvable. I want everyone to be happy, to get along like adults. But I suspect we will have to separate as my partner is stubborn. What do you think?

ANNETTE

MOST weeks I try to find letters with different subjects, but sometimes there are so many family problems I can’t help

using two.

Each of this week’s involves deep frustration with difficult young people: your partner’s intolerance here and (above) the anger of grandparents.

In both cases, I can understand why the complainants feel the way they do. Yet I have far more sympathy for you, the person caught between two very different loves.

Your problem is, as you say, being caught in the middle of a situation you describe — with despair — as ‘unresolvable’. So we have to start with that statement and examine how true it is.

At this point, this week’s And Finally column is relevant because it raises the eternal problem of an intractable ‘either/ or’ view of life.

Does a man have to choose between his mother and his wife? Does a mother have to choose between her partner and her son? Because so many people see life in black and white, huge family rows happen, relationships break up, children suffer and friends fall out.

Instead, I would loudly proclaim the virtue of seeing life in shades of grey — had not that trashy, best-selling sexfest ruined the phrase for ever in my eyes …

In your unedited letter you remind me that you have written twice before. The first was to assure me that there is life after divorce, the second to complain of a disparity between your partner’s attitude to buying presents and your own. I only mention this as it suggests unresolved issues within your relationship that have nothing to do with your son.

This unfortunate situation has brought them dramatically to the surface so I do urge you to talk frankly with your partner, then try some counselling so that both of you can put your points to an objective outsider.

It’s not hard to see why your partner finds your history with your son hard to tolerate. On the other hand, there’s intolerance in the way you write about his offspring, too.

Such tensions are not uncommon in ‘ blended’ families and require both adults to display superhuman understanding.

Unfortunately, we are mere mortals, which is why we often need other people (advice columnists, family members or therapists) to point out errors that can become catastrophic.

I do not think this situation is hopeless, nor that you should be forced to choose between your unfortunate son and partner. Your partner has to realise what’s at stake, and that he has no right to dictate to you instead of giving emotional support.

You should ask him (gently, please) how he’d feel if you banned his 18-yearold from the house, tell him you love him and say compromise not separation is the only way forward.

To choose a hotel rather than being under the same roof as your son for one night is aggressive — and absurd. He could easily go out with friends that night and just come home to sleep.

You can choose future loneliness or take a tough middle way — together.