A step in the right direction

I’M ONLY too aware how complicated life can be and that I can only glimpse the fragments of reality readers choose to share.

Also, people will interpret problems, and my replies, through the prism of their own experience.

It’s natural to say ‘Oh, but this happened to me’ — using subjective ‘knowledge’ to judge other situations. We all do this — and it affects political views, too.

Problems with in- laws always make feelings run high, which is why two readers took issue with my reply to ‘Rosie’ last week.

Both women accuse their husbands’ mothers of narcissism — a term in psychoanalysis indicating extreme self-centredness.

One protested at ‘your repeated advice that people should respect their elders, even when that elder is vile, cruel and damaging.

‘It seems you find this kind of behaviour acceptable, as long as the bully is the older person — as they somehow deserve respect simply by virtue of age. Respect and trust have to be earned.’

I accept that objection and agree with her final point. The word ‘respect’ was perhaps a step too far. I should have advised Rosie to ‘treat them with politeness’.

But I cannot attach labels like ‘narcissism’ to people I haven’t met. Going back to the original letter, the point I had to address was that the relationship was not only under threat due to Rosie’s relationship with the mother-in-law, but also because the couple were quarrelling. She had to find a way forward.

It seems to me there are three ways to deal with situations like this:

1. You do nothing, but the destructive anger and conflict continue.

2. You walk away from those you’re in conflict with — at whatever cost.

3. You take a deep breath, vow to change the situation and step towards them, seeking compromise.

That demanding third way was my advice. And, with or without ‘respect’, it still seems to me to be sensible.