The delicate art of apologising (without making it worse)

By psychologist HARRIET LERNER who’s studied the subject for 20 years

The two most healing words in the english language are: ‘I’m sorry’. They have the power to remove anger and hurt, to strengthen relationships and increase self-esteem.

Yet so many of us don’t know how to say them. We either don’t apologise at all — or we over-apologise, something women are particularly prone to.

Many of my post-war generation were raised to feel guilty if we were anything less than an emotional sponge and sounding board for others. We may be quick to feel responsible for everything, and apologise constantly as a result.

even emails sent by women are more apt to contain apologies: ‘sorry for the delay’, ‘sorry for the confusion’, sorry for whatever.

We can never know for sure what makes us over-apologise. It may be a reflection of low self-esteem, an unconscious wish to avoid criticism before it even occurs, an excessive wish to placate and please, or a desire to show off how well-mannered we are.

But you don’t need to know what causes something in order to fix it. If you over-apologise, tone it down. If you’ve forgotten to return your friend’s salad bowl, don’t apologise numerous times as if you ran over her kitten.

Over-apologising interrupts the normal flow of conversation. It will irritate your friends and make it harder for people to hear you when you offer an apology you really do need to give.

Finding the courage to apologise well is at the heart of family, friendship and love; apologies that are insincere are often worse than no apology at all.

As a clinical psychologist, I’ve studied this subject for more than two decades. Read on to learn how to harness the healing power of a good apology — and avoid the perils of a bad one . . .

Short and sweet

The best apologies are short and don’t include explanations that run the risk of undoing them.

An apology isn’t the only chance you’ll ever get to address the underlying issue: problems with time-keeping or not listening, or whatever it may be. Instead, it’s the chance to establish the ground for future communication.

This is an important — and often overlooked — distinction.

It’s not about you

An APOLOGY full of remorse and self-recrimination — ‘I’m so deeply ashamed of myself and what a terrible person I am; I always say the wrong thing’ — can leave the other person feeling even worse than they already do.

If the hurt party starts feeling the need to make you feel better, take it as a signal to tone down the emotion. A heartfelt apology is not about you. Save your emotions for another conversation.

Never be needy

THE WORDS ‘Do you forgive me?’ or ‘please forgive me’ are a valued ritual in certain close relationships, and it’s fine to apologise and ask for forgiveness if the hurt party appreciates this.

But if you expect or demand forgiveness, or request it prematurely — in other words, make the apology about you — you may end up failing to apologise at all.

‘I’m sorry’ shouldn’t be viewed as a bargaining chip. Demanding instant reconciliation can make a person feel rushed and wronged all over again. Apologies often need time and space to take hold.

Think about it first

An AUTHENTIC apology does not mean that we passively accept criticisms we believe are wrong, unjust and off the mark.

If someone is being critical and asking you to say sorry for something you don’t feel is your fault, don’t apologise just to avoid conflict.

Tell them that you see things differently, but you’ll continue to think about the conversation. And then really do think about it.

Always follow up

UNDERDOING an apology can be just as offensive, and the hurt caused by a wimpy apology can even compound the original issue.

‘I’m sorry’ may also feel empty and half-hearted if there’s no attempt to make restitution.

If you apologise ten times for spilling coffee on your friend’s rug, but don’t get up from the sofa to help clean it, or offer to pay for the dry-cleaning bill, it’s not a real apology.

Never add a ‘but’

MORE than anything, the hurt party wants to hear an apology that is sincere.

So when an apology is followed by a ‘but’ (‘I’m sorry I snapped, but I wish you’d pull your weight around the house’), it undoes the sincerity and almost always signals an excuse, cancelling out the original message.

It doesn’t matter if the statement you make after the ‘ but’ is true — it makes the apology false.

...or an ‘if’

THIS is another sneaky little add-on. Almost any apology that begins with ‘I’m sorry if . . .’ is a non-apology.

For example, ‘I’m sorry if I was insensitive’ won’t cut it as a genuine expression of regret.

Far better to say: ‘The comment I made was offensive. I’m sorry I was insensitive and it won’t happen again.’

Don’t shrug it off

SIMILARLY, one of the most common ways that we slither away from taking responsibility is by apologising for the other person’s feelings, rather than for specific behaviour on our part.

‘I’m sorry you felt embarrassed when I corrected your story at the party’ is not an apology. You get to feel good about yourself because you’ve ‘apologised’ when, really, you’ve shifted the responsibility to the other person.

Instead, try: ‘I’m sorry I corrected your story at the party. I understand, and I won’t do it again.’

Make the first move

TO HEAL a large hurt, a simple and genuine ‘I’m sorry’ is only a good first step. More needs to follow in order to set things right.

high-stakes situations — such as infidelity, or betrayal of a friendship — call for an apology that may take many months and require us to listen openly to the wounded party on more than one occasion.

Apologising doesn’t always lead to reconciliation, either. The best apology in the world can’t restore every connection. The words ‘I’m sorry’ may be absurdly inadequate, even if sincerely offered.

Sometimes, the foundation of trust cannot be repaired and, though an apology is accepted, it may still mean the hurt party never wants to see us again.

ADAPTED by Alison roberts from Why Won’t You Apologise? by Harriet Lerner, published by duckworth at £12.99. Offer price £9.74 (25 per cent discount) until January 30. To order, call 0844 571 0640 or go to mailbookshop.co.uk, p&p is free on orders over £15.