Should I let my wastrel son go to jail?

DEAR BEL, I WAS a single parent in the Seventies and struggled to make the best life I could. I went to college and qualified as a teacher to enable me to take school holidays, as I had little help with childcare.

I did well and bought a house, and later married a wealthy man. My son, an only child, did well at school, but seemed to resent my marriage. He got into mischief, fell in with the wrong crowd, sailed through GCSEs, but failed his A-levels. He then neither wanted to go to university or leave home.

He had a series of dead-end jobs beneath his capabilities. He’s had serious relationships, but they all ended due to his failure to commit. He’s never been able to manage his money and is always in debt. Now he lives in a house owned by us, but his life seems to be spiralling downwards.

We tried to help him start a business, but that failed. He has been unemployed for some time and I have discovered he has huge council tax debts. I suspect he has a gambling problem, but will not admit it.

He’s never been in trouble with the police, but I worry it might be a matter of time, given the company he keeps. He is in his 40s and I fear he is becoming too old to change.

I am in a position to help financially, but do not want to be enabling him. I am seriously considering allowing him to be jailed for non-payment, as I wonder whether this would give him a wake-up call — or would that create an insurmountable barrier?

I am all he has in terms of family — there is no contact with his father, who abandoned us when he was born. My husband has never accepted him as a son, as he has his own children who have all done well.

I wonder if counselling or tough love would help, but I am retired and getting older with less energy to devote to him. I would really appreciate some advice.

DEIRDRE

RECENTlY, I’ve received a number of letters from mothers having big problems with their adult sons. It’s a telling reminder of just how hard and long a ‘sentence’ motherhood is, with no parole available. That may sound bleak, but any mother who’s known tough times with one (or more) offspring will know exactly what I mean. Sometimes, you can look back on all the stress with disbelief; nevertheless (as I know well) you bear the scars.

In the past, I’ve often counselled ‘tough love’ — since it can be useful. most parents will agree there should be a limit to how long you go on bailing out an irresponsible adult ‘child’. But although that’s all too easy to say or write, the reality is more complex.

When we read of parents who shield their children from the police, we may disapprove morally, but would we do the same, in extreme circumstances? I tend to think: ‘There but for the grace of God go I.’

This is a sad story — mainly because you clearly married at the very time when you son was most vulnerable and needed maximum support.

You admit a painful truth: ‘my husband has never really accepted him as a son, as he has his own children who have all done well.’

I’m not making excuses, just asking you to acknowledge it must have dealt a blow to his self- esteem when his mother was distracted by a wonderful new relationship with a man who did not care about him. He sought companionship elsewhere — and so (you think) the rot set in. Surely these are mitigating circumstances?

To ‘ allow’ him to go to jail would be a dramatic step, although I don’t quite see how or why such a decision is yours.

You’re talking about money, of course, and you can’t be expected to go on bailing him out financially. on the other hand, if you do, surely you can attach conditions.

I’m sure you must have talked this through, suggested counselling and so on. The man clearly needs help, but you cannot be the person to give it. And as you imply, at a certain age you just become tired of all the problems.

Why should you permit this man in his 40s to exhaust you and continue to annoy (I’m assuming) your husband? It’s a painful question — one answer being: ‘Because I’m his mother.’

Which takes us full circle, doesn’t it? I think that would be my own response. But I wish somebody you know well could intervene. Does your son have a friend you approve of? Is there a member of the family who could help? What is the attitude of his half-siblings?

No matter how much of a wastrel he is, nevertheless he is enmeshed in all your lives, and that’s why a jail term would impact on you, too.

So please don’t accept that it is too late for him to change, but make one last effort to persuade him to get help, by any means.