Am I daft for loving this fickle woman?

DEAR BEL, ABOUT a year after a messy divorce and financial settlement in my ex’s favour, I fell for a widow. Six months later, her daughter began a series of abusive phone calls that lasted 18 months. My partner defended her daughter and left me several times over the ensuing rows — but came back.

When her daughter died, her granddaughter inherited the house. One day, I went there, by invitation, and got thrown out for waking her up at NOON! Another row ensued, my partner moved out — then back in again. This has happened nine times in 15 years and on the last occasion, I warned her if she ever threatened me again, that would be it.

For nine months I’ve not been sleeping properly ( prostate trouble). My partner moved out on the day of my prostate consultant appointment — because I’ve been ‘surly and uncommunicative’ and because I refused to marry her.

She knows I haven’t proposed for historical reasons. For 15 years I’ve supported her financially and even loaned her a lot of money to refurbish her house prior to sale and downsizing. I recently heard she’s planning on giving her house to her feckless son.

If we married (given her desertion history), divorce could follow with another financial settlement and I’d be on the street at 80. To marry under such circumstances would be insane.

I feel pathetic and ashamed of my own stupidity because I still love her and I am left alone. Advice? BARRY

Sometimes, dear sir, i reach the end of a screed of unhappiness like yours, then see the dreaded ‘L’ word — and want to run screaming with frustration until i have no voice left. Do you know what i mean? i think you do, because of the words that start your last paragraph. But isn’t it time to stop feeling ‘ pathetic and ashamed’ and do something about your life?

if you’d written, ‘ Dear Bel, i keep smashing my head against the wall and trying to see through the blood — do you think i’ll feel better if i stop?’ what would my answer be?

this is such a peculiar story. Why did the daughter abuse you? indeed, why did she die? What effect did that have on your lady friend? Did you care?

Was it the granddaughter or the gran sleeping until noon? Does the mother of a foul-mouthed daughter (RiP) and a ‘feckless’ son know how you describe her offspring?

Did you ever whisper that a man with prostate problems might like some tLC? Come to that, did you ever talk meaningfully about anything over the past 15 years, or was it all rowing and packing of bags?

i doubt there’s a man reading this who isn’t saying: ‘ For heaven’s sake, man, this “relationship” is a no-no, so be glad she’s gone!’ You bemoan the fact you are now ‘alone’ — yet it’s obvious to any rational person that you were pretty alone when her daughter abused you and mummy stuck up for her. And when the consultant discussed your prostate with you. And every time the woman left in a temper.

You insist on calling her your ‘partner’, but i reject the word — because a partner is someone who shares and cares, and it doesn’t sound much as if sharing and caring has marked this doomed affair. on the part of either of you, frankly.

i can see exactly why you were afraid of marrying again, given her volatility.

surely now you have to accept it’s over — and consider carefully whether ‘love’ is actually the right word to describe your feelings. Perhaps you are afraid. Perhaps you prefer the tumult to which you have become accustomed to mature peace and solitude.

my advice to you is to consider all this very carefully, to vow to make the most of the time you have left, to make friendships where you can, but to think twice before you entangle yourself with another lady. For a good while at least.