It’s OK, Rio — there is nothing wrong with the stiff upper lip
Some men hide their feelings. They deal with grief by keeping a tight grip and getting on with it. But in an age when everyone is expected to sob uncontrollably at the first whiff of emotion, that’s no longer good enough.
Former england football captain Rio Ferdinand lost his wife Rebecca, the mother of their three children, to cancer in 2015. She was 34 years old and had been diagnosed just weeks earlier.
How Rio has coped with this devastating loss was the central theme of Being Mum And Dad (BBC1), as he talked to other widowers, orphaned children and therapists. He seemed guiltily convinced that he had not ‘grieved properly’.
But the fact he found it almost impossible to talk about his dearly loved wife, or think about his sadness, is not a sign of failure. Quite the opposite — he’s clearly done a fantastic job of looking after his kids.
In the first days after Rebecca’s death, he admitted, the temptation was to drink himself to sleep each night. He wasn’t suicidal but, for the only time in his life, he could understand why people did away with themselves.
Instead of wallowing in those destructive emotions, Rio hurled himself into a whirlwind of activity. He’s a devoted and conscientious parent, who keeps his little girl and two older boys busy with sports and holidays outside their schoolwork.
And after a career at the top of his profession, he has investments and businesses to manage, as well as media and charity work.
Not long ago, Rio’s approach would have been the ideal prescription for surviving a shocking bereavement. Stay positive, concentrate on your blessings and the people you love most, and wait for time to do its healing. The pain will never go away, but the ability to bear it grows.
Such an understated, British response is no match for the Facebook era. Social media demands displays of emotion for the rest of the world to see and approve and to instantly forget.
The documentary ended with Rio and his children writing down memories of Rebecca on pieces of paper and posting them into a memory bank shaped like a giant cola bottle. It was a comforting game, but not the great moment of catharisis that the programme pretended.
Any show that helps bereaved viewers deal better with their own losses is to be commended. For Rio, this was a valuable exercise, too, because it had a purpose. Like most men and many women, he needs above all to be ‘doing something’.
But no one should be brow- beaten by the vogue for tears on demand. It’s oK not to cry, too.
The messy, dirty- mouthed sitcom Catastrophe ( C4) confronted death and grief as Sharon (Sharon Horgan) rushed to Ireland to help nurse her father after he suffered a stroke on a plane.
‘I should have known when he said he could smell strawberries,’ fretted her mother (Frances Tomelty). ‘Fresh fruit on Ryanair, that’ll never happen.’
This series has been far darker than the previous two and, because the characters are so deeply written, it works.
We believed in Sharon and husband Rob (Rob Delaney) when they were struggling with nappies and sleepless nights, and we’re still convinced as they slide towards alcoholism and bankruptcy.
That’s more than just catastrophe. It’s an abyss. Hard to know how the couple can pull through this while still making each other, and us, laugh. one thing’s sure: crying won’t help.
MUCK-RAKING OF THE NIGHT: Inside Kensington Palace (C5) was an excuse to dredge up assorted royal scandals, including the Charles and Di divorce. It was even claimed German PoWs were tortured in the grounds in World War 2. Shoddy stuff.