DEAR BEL, BELMOONEY
ALTHOUGH I love my wife, she does not love me. Probably because I’ve aged less gracefully than she has, but I don’t think I’m that bad looking in my mid-50s.
We have been married for nearly 30 years and up to 2004 I think we were a happy family with our three children and both of us in good jobs.
But then I moved for work and finding a job for her was difficult. I felt she was depressed, but could do nothing about it. We joined a sports club and I thought she was happier, but I suspected she might be seeing someone else.
Then she said it wasn’t working and wanted a divorce. I begged her to give our marriage a second chance. Two years went by and nothing changed, but we saw Relate relationship counsellors.
When they asked why she wanted a divorce, she said she wanted something more exciting. We had a few counselling sessions, but at £50 an hour both decided to stop. We lived in separate rooms. Our kids were young and I didn’t think it fair on them to live apart. I saw emails between her and a ‘friend’, which suggested something happening.
I contacted the (married) guy and said if he wanted to be with my wife, I’d divorce her and he could move in, if he divorced his wife.
He told me my wife meant nothing to him now, meant nothing to him in the past and would mean nothing to him in the future. He was using her. Once she realised this, she cut contact. Again we agreed to try to be together, but separately.
Financially, I’d be a great deal better off if I did leave her, but I don’t want to. We are really good friends, I can’t change my looks, but we all grow old and I keep hoping that one day she will see me as more than just a friend.
This is where I need advice. Every time I try to make something happen between us, I feel she’s likely to leave. Without a job she relies on me, so if she left now, she’d have a very difficult life.
And I could never have her back because I would never trust her again. Ideally I want you to say: ‘ Keep your relationship going — sex is not everything.’
But I don’t want to live the rest of my life not feeling the warm embrace of a woman.
L