This woman is all wrong for our girl

DEAR BEL,

I NEED advice on how to deal with our family issue.

I am the mother of two beautiful kids, a daughter and a son.

My daughter, who’s just turned 19, has started dating a lesbian who is 30 years older than her. It’s been going on for almost a year now.

She was raised in a conservative fashion in the Philippines as a Roman Catholic. We are now living in Los Angeles.

We do not want our daughter to become a lesbian and end up with this tattooed person in her life for a long time.

Is there anything we can do to stop her from seeing and becoming totally influenced by this lesbian? Please help me.

ANYA

ADvIce columnists should probably try their best to be neutral, but when you deal with very personal matters that’s pretty well impossible.

Sometimes I have to take a deep breath, push my own feelings to one side, and try very hard to put myself in the position of the person writing the problem letter. This is one of those times.

So I’ll begin by making it clear that I have no feelings of homophobia whatsoever. People can write in to me as angrily as they like, but nothing will persuade me that it is wrong for two people of the same gender to fall in love and make a life together.

If that makes you furious or contemptuous, I can’t help it. I just suggest you stop reading now.

But I hope you don’t, because I do understand that discovering your child is gay might be a shock to any parent. I have a friend who is immensely intelligent, left-liberal and middle-class who was deeply upset and disappointed to discover that her daughter is gay.

Why? Because she had expected for her beloved girl the usual pattern of study, career, marriage to a lovely guy, children . . . and suddenly it was all called into question. Of course, she knows that nowadays her daughter could still get married and have a child, but that’s not the point.

I totally understand her confused feelings — as I do those of another woman I’m very fond of (from a very different background), who has had to accept her daughter’s love for a woman. But when she first told me (about four years ago), she was very shocked and upset.

Neither of these mothers is a bad or intolerant person. Both have had to adjust to a situation that is hardly uncommon, but is still not what they expected or wanted.

Having tried to understand why it can seem difficult to other people, I now have to tell you that I find the tone of your very short email rather horrible. Its very terseness suggests you can’t be bothered to tell me more about your own child.

What is she like? Did she have boyfriends before this? Have you tried to talk to her in a gentle, exploratory way? Does she seem truly to love this other person? I suspect you probably don’t know or care about the answer to that last question.

What bothers you most? That the woman is 30 years older, or that she has tattoos, or is a lesbian? I can understand that you might worry about such a large age gap, even if your daughter’s partner was a man. Age gaps can bring problems (although they can also bring much happiness), so, fair enough.

But supposing the tattooed lesbian were just three years older: would that make it better? I think not. What we have here is absolute disapproval of the appearance and sexual orientation of the person your daughter loves. You fear her ‘influence’: I wonder if that implies you think she’s turned your daughter gay?

Many parents have to face the fact that their kids choose partners they dislike. It happens all the time.

But, as I asked the second woman I mention above: ‘Would you rather your daughter shacked up with a guy who beat her up? Or that she loves a terrific lady who loves her, too — and is happy?’ Surely that’s a question you have to ask yourself.

You must be aware that there really isn’t anything you can do to stop the relationship. All the talking and criticism and threats in the world will not stop a 19-year- old from seeing somebody he or she is crazy about. Far better to just shrug, smile and say: ‘Whatever floats your boat, baby.’

If I were you, I’d summon up some tolerance from the depths of your being, where unconditional love for your child should have begun 19 years ago, and wait and see what happens. That is, if you want to still have a daughter.