My oldest friend’s moving away — and I feel bereft
Novelist, grandmother of four and ex-Blue Peter presenter, Janet ellis, 61, answers your questions . . .
QI’M 55 and have known my best friend since primary school — we’ve never lived more than about half an hour’s drive away from each other. However, she’s recently told me she plans to move to rural Ireland with her husband and I’m devastated.
While I realise I should be happy for her, the truth is I’m crushingly sad about the whole thing. I cannot imagine a life where we can’t meet up for a coffee or a glass of wine.
When I try to talk to my husband about it, he just says: ‘Cheer up — it’s Ireland, not the moon!’ Crying on my friend’s shoulder would feel selfish, but I want to make sure she knows how important it is to me that we keep in touch.
AFriends do occupy a special and irreplaceable position in your life and your heart. When we say we ‘ make’ friends, it’s precisely that: the careful crafting of a relationship that suits you both, often over years. You’re entitled to feel sad and approach this loss with some trepidation.
Your best friend will be feeling the same. even if she wasn’t going to miss you, leaving a place and people she’s known all her life for pastures new is daunting. she may be putting on a brave face, but you aren’t the only one who’s anxious.
The change won’t just affect you two, either. i’m sure your husband’s cavalier attitude is because he’s concerned he won’t fill the gap. Your friendship was probably partly fun, partly therapeutic, as most close friendships are, and that’s a difficult role to fill.
He’d hardly be so offhand if you announced that you were leaving him (i hope!), and he may even be a little bit jealous about how strong your feelings are. You need to be constructive about how you’ll manage your friendship once she’s moved. if she hasn’t broached the subject of keeping in touch, it could be that she’s worrying you’ll find it easier to hook up with other people nearby instead. she won’t want to make demands on you as she’s the one giving you the problem. Tell her you’ll miss being spontaneous, but from now on you’ll simply have to plan your chats. do you prefer skype or email, letters or a phone call? Whatever you decide, you have to stick to it. Leaving it too long before you connect will make it harder to continue the conversation. i think it’s important that you try to visit her as soon as possible after she’s moved to ireland. Being able to picture exactly where she is when she answers the phone in future will shrink the distance between you. Perhaps you could plan a short trip away together. The miles between the two of you could make you appreciate what’s special about your friendship. it isn’t based on geography, but a great deal more. Those things can’t be undermined by moving away. Focus on making this change as smooth as possible for her, and she’ll be able to reassure you, too. After all, that’s what friends are for.
If you have a question for Janet, please email it to janetellis@dailymail.co.uk