My wife’s left me and all I have is the dog and a broken heart

DEAR BEL, YOU often receive letters from people claiming to have had their hearts broken. Until very recently, I would have doubted this possible. However, I have now unfortunately become a victim.

I’m nearly 70 and have been married to a high-profile, business-type lady for 16 years.

But now I am alone, because she left me at Christmas, telling me she no longer loved me as she should love a husband. This has devastated me. I have adored her for as long as I can remember — even when she was married to somebody else.

My confidence is shattered. I burst into tears all the time and can’t focus on anything. Everything seems pointless and futile.

I try to stay busy — and to some degree this helps. I have the company of my German Shepherd dog, who also misses her, and we have a go at some normality. My lady and I still meet, and although I love seeing her, afterwards the pain consumes me and the next few days are dreadful.

Very few friends have contacted me, but I suppose, with me being so lost, they really wouldn’t know how to handle it. Some people who have ‘been there’ advise me that time will heal. I really hope so, because I am getting on my own nerves with this misery.

From your writing you seem so level-headed and practical — and I thought I was, too; until now, when I’m fretting about everything.

The thing is, she and I both get upset when we’ve been out and she has to leave me to go back to her rented accommodation.

She’s in tears — and I break down later, as I’m doing now. I’ve tried to give her space in the hope she’ll come back, but on several occasions she’s said that she won’t.

I’m like a lovesick child — broken — and don’t know what to do. RICHARD

Afew weeks ago (on easter Saturday) I printed a letter from a 70-year-old woman desperate because her husband had called time on their 47-year marriage.

I’ve since heard back from ‘Sara’ and I’m pleased to report that she sounds positive — absolutely determined to rebuild her life, which is admirable. Comparisons are pointless, but reading your sad letter I find myself thinking that in many ways it is easier for her, because she is in no doubt that her marriage is over. But you are perpetually hoping, aren’t you — forever set on a rack of hope.

five months after your wife’s shock decision, you are as miserable as ever. And I see no end to this, unless you were to stop seeing her. which of course you will not — nor would I counsel it.

what is extraordinary is that both of you are so affected. what’s going on? Since she wants to continue with these meetings, she must still have feelings for you. So why, at

this time in your lives, has she chosen to be alone rather than live with a man for whom she retains affection? It’s not easy to be alone when you are used to marriage. Why did she take that huge step?

You give me so few details. It would be interesting to know how you first met, what happened to her first marriage, whether she has children, whether she’s met another man through work, perhaps, for whom she has feelings.

YouR letter was handwritten on paper torn from a ring-file, which sends a message to me about a man of a certain age (an age perhaps once used to Basildon Bond) who isn’t much bothered about appearances — perhaps unlike his ‘high-profile, business-type lady’.

I’m guessing here, trying to imagine the possible incompatibility that led her to choose separation from the devastated, loving man who clearly adores her.

I’m sure you’ve looked back on the 16 years you shared, though I have to say that many men are not that good at emotional intelligence — meaning the ability to analyse relationships and be honest about their fault-lines.

You say you always doubted the extreme of emotion, like heartbreak, so perhaps you are one of the many who tend to chug on without noticing too much. I wonder if you have talked to her about such matters? Surely she must have given you more reasons for leaving, other than that she no longer loved you as a husband?

Naturally, as patron of Relate, I would have loved you to have sought proper counselling for the problems she perceived (and you clearly did not) before it was too late. I hope all those who are thinking of ending marriages will think of going to counselling for their problems, because I know it can help. Even if that help means understanding why it is all over.

I feel such compassion for you, Richard, and wish there was something positive to advise. If your wife no longer wants a physical relationship, maybe she has lacked the courage to spell it out.

HAvE you thought of suggesting a new sort of relationship, where perhaps you live next door to each other and offer each other support and companionship?

You could walk your dog together, chat, try to relax into a new way of being. But as long as she believes you are going to ask her to come back to you, this new way is unlikely to flourish.

I think you must do your utmost to control your feelings (easier said than done, I know) and appear to her to be the man she first fell in love with.

Perhaps you could surprise her by saying you accept the way things are. You never know where it might lead, so be quietly hopeful. But you being calm and unpressured is the way forward.