I just want him to give me a cuddle

DEAR BEL, WRITING this is hard because I was brought up old school: don’t talk about yourself or the family.

Recently, I was re-called after a mammogram. My husband said: ‘Oh, probably need another photo.’

I said they might have found a lump and needed to check if it was cancerous.

Not bothered, he said: ‘If it is, they’ve caught it early.’ That’s all — no cuddle, no proper talking. Is that normal for a man who loves his wife?

When my letter arrived, I told him the visit could last up to two hours and I could take someone with me. I thought he’d offer. Nothing.

I went alone. The morning of the appointment he just said: ‘Let me know how it goes.’ I thought, is that it? If the news is bad, just text or phone him? We don’t cuddle and never have. Sex — but no emotion. Nor do we discuss feelings. I don’t really go in for that crying stuff, so it suits me, but some basic emotion would be nice.

I don’t know if I can continue in a marriage like this. He’s not fun any more and can be so boring. I’d love to have someone put his arms round me — not for sex but for love.

I’ve wondered if some sort of Asperger’s explains his behaviour. He does a lot of good things: a good provider, makes me breakfast in bed, does lots of housework etc. But the love and emotion is just not there.

I don’t know why I didn’t see it when I was younger. Maybe I did, but ignored it. I’ve made it clear how he’s let me down, but all I get is: ‘Sorry.’ TRISHA

FIRST, let me say I hope your appointment went well and that you have nothing frightening to worry about. It’s very upsetting to be recalled after a mammogram, so I hope your mind is now at rest.

Back to your problems: your husband’s lack of proactive concern at a time you really needed support, as well as your wider dissatisfaction with the marriage.

It’s tempting to assume that the first triggered the second — but I suspect you’ve been frustrated with him for a long time.

Many couples develop habits that are damaging long-term. In my first marriage, I was one of those wives who thought she should ‘just get on with it’ and not tell the husband he was damn well needed.

Much hurt ensued, but the fault was half mine. Yes, a man should know what to do, how to behave, how to show love — but why not instruct a little?

Your reluctance to do so (‘Come on, love, I need you with me — take half a day off!) was part of a marital pattern your email describes quite clearly.

Brought up not to emote, you dislike ‘all that crying stuff ’ — which is a pretty terse way to describe showing feelings! It sounds as if you and your husband were never in the habit of expressing needs and emotions — an on-going weakness in the structure of the relationship.

All relationships require shoring up with conversation and the kind of intimacy that goes far beyond the sex act. Is it too late to start?

It’s very hard to change your ways, but nothing is impossible. Your mention of Asperger’s is not something I can possibly address here, but there’d be no harm in looking it up and talking to him. Could you do that? The conversation has to start somewhere. But ‘making it clear’ should not involve recrimination.

And perhaps it would be good to reflect that there are many ways of showing love (breakfast in bed being one). Please don’t give up on this marriage because he failed to see — and you failed to make it clear at the time — how scared you were.